So You’re a Parent. Now What?

I want to share two conversations that capture what it’s like to be a parent, especially a parent adjusting to life with a new baby. One of the exchanges was via Facebook messages. The new mom wrote to me, “I think I thought once she was here, she would fit into MY life instead of the reality of a whole new life.” The other took place on Good Friday when my husband went to get Chick-fil-A for us for breakfast. While Stephen was in Chick-fil-A, he saw a friend of ours who was headed to work. Our friend asked if Stephen had the day off; he was shocked that Stephen was already awake since he didn’t have to go into work. Stephen replied, “I’ve got kids.” His response [maybe] begins to uncover the all-consuming nature of parenthood.

I believe that many new parents, myself included, are shocked to experience all the changes associated with being a mom or dad. People seem to gloss over the difficulties of a new baby when talking to expectant parents. No one talks about the realities of involuntarily boarding a hormonal roller coaster, little to no nighttime sleep for an unpredictable amount of time, not having time to take a shower or eat, doubt as every decision is second-guessed, the tough work of breastfeeding, or relearning how to communicate with your spouse, let alone the possibilities of post-partum or paternal postnatal depression, a colicky baby, infections while breastfeeding, and isolation as well-meaning friends stop inviting you to events because they assume you won’t be able to come. Your life is drastically and irreversibly altered. [Side note: Parenthood is extremely rewarding, and I love being a mom. I wouldn’t change my life, but my life was changed when I became a mom.]

Maybe people don’t tell expectant parents about these aspects of parenthood because they forgot (the beautiful parts of being a parent really do make the early challenging phases fade). Maybe they don’t want to steal the glow of the pregnant mom or be seen as a “Negative Nancy.”

One of the problems with not being authentic about the struggles is that when those dark clouds roll in and the storm strikes, new parents often feel like they are alone, afraid to reach out for fear of being seen as weak and wondering, “What’s wrong with me?” I see this especially in parents who longed and prayed for a baby. They can’t understand why they aren’t always overcome with thankfulness for the new life that has radically rocked their worlds. This is followed by overwhelming guilt for having any thoughts that don’t express gratitude. I remember a friend texting to ask, “Aren’t you just so in love?” after my first child was born. I certainly wouldn’t use the words “in love” to describe my initial reaction to my baby being out of the womb. Tired and terrified were more like it. Sure, I wanted to hold and hug my little one, and I felt maternal in the sense of, “Don’t even mess with this Mama Bear,” but I “fell in love” with him as I got to know him. Every parent is different and no two newborns are exactly the same, so it makes sense that there is a wide variety of experiences surrounding parenthood. Add to all of this the pressure of everyone giving contradicting advice and spending hours reading blogs and websites, and an emotionally exhausted parent is at the end of the equation. Forget enjoying your baby or sleeping when the baby sleeps. There’s too much to do and not enough time.

The newborn stage is characterized by hardships, though the ways new parents are affected are as varied as the parents themselves. Some parents transition into parenthood with seemingly little effort. They return to church with their baby who is a week old, look well rested, and honestly feel all the love for their little one. There are also parents who take a six week break from church, have bags under their eyes for months, and feel such bitterness and regret at times that they want to run away from the duties and responsibilities of parenthood. Instead of romanticizing life with a newborn, I think we should be bold in sharing the trials with one another, eager to support new parents who are battling tough times and rejoice with parents when things are going well.

No matter where a parent is on their journey, the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases. His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning, and His faithfulness is great (Lamentations 3:22-23). Further, the Father did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us. He will graciously give us all things (Romans 8:32). We can encourage expectant parents with these truths and continue speaking them into the lives of new parents as they adapt to life with a newborn. 

Caring for a Full Quiver: An Interview with Christie Chambers

Throughout my life, the Lord has richly blessed me by surrounding me with godly mothers who share their wisdom and lives with me. Christie is one of those moms who has been present for me, encouraging me and speaking truth, since the Lord first brought her into my life. When I met Christie nine years ago, she was the sweetest mom to three little ones. Now, she and Phud are expecting their seventh baby blessing. Her kids range in age from 17 weeks gestation to 13 years old. I’ve long wanted to sit down with Christie and get her advice on all things mothering to help me and other moms in this sanctifying role. My heart was so blessed to soak in her presence and hear her heart, especially as I prepare to welcome baby #3. I hope your heart is blessed, too.

Background

How did you and Phud meet?

We met when Phud transferred to Charleston Southern University. We actually met on his first day in January of 1996 during the second semester of my freshman year. Phud’s friend Jughead had convinced him to transfer to CSU for youth ministry, and I was friends with Jughead’s girlfriend.

How long did you date before Phud proposed? How long was your engagement?

We started dating in March of 1996, and he proposed May of the next year. We got married in June 1998.

How old were you when you got married? How old was Phud?

I was 20, and Phud was 23.

Describe life as newlyweds. What surprised you the most about marriage?

We lived in married housing at CSU. I was doing my student teaching, and Phud was working for CSU as an enrollment counselor. He was also working part-time at a church in their youth ministry. Being newlyweds was fun. It was great to just be together and get to hang out with our friends who provided a support system for us. One of the biggest challenges was balancing our new life as a family and figuring out what that looked like with our parents. Putting our new life together first and how our families worked in that was difficult. I was most surprised by the role of working in a church and how that affected us during holidays. I wasn’t able to be a part of holidays with my family in the same way I was before getting married because we were needed at the church.

What were your thoughts about having children before you and Phud got married? Did you always want children? When did you want the children to come? Did you want to have your children close together?

We both wanted a lot of kids. We had a plan, in our own minds, for me to finish school and get my Masters and Phud to finish seminary prior to having kids. Phud was thinking long-range at the time. I was ready to begin having kids right away. I think that if we could go back, we probably would have kids sooner. We didn’t really talk about having our kids close together.

What influenced your decision to begin trying to have children? What thoughts ran through your mind during the months leading up to getting pregnant? Can you share your experience?

During Phud’s first year in seminary while I was teaching, he took an ethics class that influenced our decision for me to stop taking my birth control. I was taking birth control because of a ruptured ovary and polycystic ovary syndrome. I was medically advised not to stop my birth control until I was ready to start fertility treatments because when I had stopped taking my birth control a few years before, I had developed more cysts. I wasn’t supposed to be able to naturally conceive, but when we decided that I would stop taking my birth control, we didn’t start fertility treatments. It took us a year to get pregnant. We were actually going to schedule an appointment with a fertility specialist the month we found out we were expecting our first baby. During this time, there were many fears running through my mind. I feared what would happen medically, not being able to get pregnant, and having to be hospitalized again. We had to fight for patience and trust.

Baby Blessings

How long were you married before finding out you were pregnant with Jaycie?

We were married 5 years when we found out we were pregnant for the first time.

What was your initial reaction toward pregnancy and a coming baby?

There was extreme excitement, and I was completely overcome with gratefulness.

What other thoughts and reactions did you experience prior to Jaycie’s arrival?

I experienced normal fears. I also went into preterm labor 3 months early and was put on bedrest for 2 months. The medication I had to take made me shake. Fear of losing Jaycie was present throughout this time.  

Describe your adjustment to motherhood.

The adjustment was really hard. I had post-partum depression, was scared, didn’t know what I was doing, and didn’t want to do anything that would hurt Jaycie. She was colicky and screamed all the time, in addition to other problems she had. I was often home alone, especially at night, because Phud was working third shift at UPS, he had school, and he was volunteering as a youth minister at a church. I developed recurring mastitis and had to have surgery. I was also reading books that I now regret reading because they caused me more stress as I tried to follow the book instead of doing what was best for Jaycie.

Did having a baby affect your marriage? If so, in what ways?

Having a baby definitely strengthened our marriage as we had to depend on each other more. Phud saw sides of me he hadn’t seen before and handled it beautifully. We were scared together. There was certainly an added strain on our marriage, but it brought us closer through it. We also had a community group pushing us toward Christ.

What has been your initial reaction toward each pregnancy? What other emotions have you experienced during your pregnancies?

With Charis, Aiden, and Mackalla, we were shocked but excited. Then came Liam. Haha. We wanted to get finished with Phud’s PhD so this wasn’t in our timing. I had also been put to sleep for a medical procedure before knowing I was pregnant, so I was worried about the baby. I also had a disc rupture in my back when I was 20 weeks pregnant and couldn’t move. When I got pregnant with Tristan, we were again shocked but excited. Finding out about Evangeline was a little more difficult for me. I wasn’t ready to be pregnant again because I’m old and my body is tired. Selfishly I also wanted to lose some more weight, and I wanted to get my varicose veins fixed to prevent this risk of blood clots in a future pregnancy. With each pregnancy, I’ve experienced fears and anxieties. 

How would you describe each adjustment to a new child?

There are hard things about adjusting to a new child each time, but they are quickly overcome. For the most part, the kids have always adjusted well. They get more dependent on daddy, which is good for him. Also, reading Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child helped me tremendously in each subsequent adjustment to a baby after Jaycie. This book aided me in understanding the chemical makeup of our bodies and how to naturally establish healthy sleep routines. I trust myself more to feed the baby when the baby needs to be fed and this had made the transitions easier. Ensuring the baby is fed, happy, and well rested and simply being comfortable with the decisions I make instead of comparing myself to others or feeling like a failure for not doing what the authors of a book say have made the adjustments smoother.

How far apart are your kids?

They are all 2 years apart except Mackalla and Liam who are a little over 3 years apart.

How much sleep do you get?

It depends. I get anywhere from 5-7 hours of sleep a night. Right now, I am getting the most sleep I ever do because Phud sends me to bed. I go to sleep between 11 and 12, get up to use the restroom throughout the night, and wake up around 5 and try to go back to sleep until 6 when Tristan wakes up each morning.

How have you been challenged or encouraged with your current pregnancy as you are expecting your seventh baby blessing?

We had a test done at 12 weeks. The ultrasound revealed extra fluid on her neck. The midwife was so upset that she couldn’t even tell us what was going on as this was an indicator that something was wrong. She told us it could be a heart defect or an indication of special needs. She told us to pray that Jesus would heal her, and we did. We had faith that He would while trusting Him even if He didn’t and believing that He is good and in control and will carry us no matter what. 6 days later, we had an appointment with Maternal-Fetal Medicine, and Evangeline is seemingly healed. The doctor said she still could be born with problems, but nothing measured incorrectly. We were so overjoyed. The specialist didn’t even understand. He pulled up our original ultrasound to check and couldn’t explain what happened. All of this was a huge encouragement to see Jesus’ healing hand and the power of prayer.

How do the older children assist with housework?

When I was pregnant with Liam and the disc in my back ruptured, Jaycie was around 9. She had to step up. She started helping with cooking as I instructed her from the couch. Phud started giving the kids little chores to do, such as clean their own rooms and work together to clean the school room. As they got older, he gave them more responsibilities. Now, the four oldest kids all have specific kitchen chores after every meal and at 3:30, the kids do daily house pick up chores. This includes them cleaning their own rooms, the hallways and stairs, the loft, the school room, and Tristan’s room. We recently implemented “deep clean Friday.” The kids vacuum, clean the bathrooms (toilets, showers, counters, and mirrors), and empty the garbage cans throughout the house. I still do the laundry, but they put it away. I have to keep on top of them to make sure their chores are done correctly, but they do a good job. When they do their chores begrudgingly or complain, we remind them that we are a family and this is what it means to be part of a family, and we pay for their food, housing, and clothes, so they can certainly help keep the house clean.

Describe your “typical” day during the school year.

There is a lot of trial and error to figure out what works especially since things are always changing. Right now, if the kids are up before 9, they start their school work. I wake up with Tristan at 6, and at 7:30, I go for a walk with Tristan and Aiden. Liam sometimes comes with us. When we get back, I cook breakfast, and we eat at 9. At 9:30, the kids clean the kitchen. We officially start school at 9:45 in the school room. I work with the kids and rotate as needed. Tristan wreaks havoc! We have lunch at 12, and the kids clean up the kitchen at 12:45. From 1-3, the kids finish school. When they finish, they can go outside and play. At 3:30, the kids complete their daily house pick up chores. At 4:00 Monday-Thursday, I take whoever has ballet. The kids play outside until it is time for dinner. We eat dinner around 5:30 or 6. The kids clean up the kitchen again. One of us picks up the girls from ballet. Some nights we pick up at 8 and other days are different. Technology is reserved for the weekends. This, of course, is a perfect day, but let's be real... not every day goes perfectly. (At all! Haha!!). As my college professor, Dr. Lynda Karges-Bone, used to tell us, "Monitor and adjust!" Haha!! 

What are comments, positive or negative, you hear as a mother of seven?

I mostly hear, “Woah, that’s a lot of kids” or “I could never have that many kids.” Recently, a young woman pregnant with her first child said, “What a blessing!” I’ve also heard, “You do know what causes this?” or “There are things you can do to prevent that.” We’ve also been told, “One of y’all needs to get fixed.”

How do you respond to negative comments, if you have received any?

I just smile and say, “Yep, it’s a lot” or “Yes, we do” when someone asks if we know what causes pregnancy. I always say, “They’re a blessing.”

What would you want to say to someone who makes negative comments?

The comments don’t bother me. I have just never cared and expect it.

What sacrifices have you made in order to stay at home with your children? How do you feel about making those sacrifices? Can you share about your current work experience?

When we were engaged, a married couple advised us to live off one income so that when we had kids, one of us could stay home and it wouldn’t be a shock. We’ve always been wise with the income God has given us and are used to frugal living. We learned to not have things, buy things, or go places. We rarely take vacations. We try not to take on new debt, and we save up for what we want. We sacrifice spontaneous outings, rarely dine out, and don’t have new items. Sometimes it’s hard because I want to be able to spontaneously have fun with the kids, like going to an amusement park or going out for ice cream, but I’ve gotten used to it. The kids have also learned to save their own money if they want to purchase items. Recently, Aiden bought a bike for himself. I am still working for The Cordial Churchman. It can be unpredictable since it depends on the number of orders, but typically Phud and I start working on bowties after the two little ones go to bed. I usually sew from 7:30 to midnight. Some mornings, I have to finish bowties before making breakfast if an order needs to be mailed out that day. 

How has your mothering changed over the years?

I’ve gained more wisdom the older I’ve gotten and the more experience I’ve had. I have learned to give grace to the kids, understanding they are all different, need to be disciplined differently, and things need to be handled differently. My mothering includes more relying on Jesus to carry me through instead of doing and solving things on my own. I am on my knees more and trusting more that He will give the wisdom and strength. I also pray the kids will forget what I say and do when I’m not parenting by the strength and grace of Jesus.

What does parenting a teenager look like?

Oh, bless it. Parenting a teenager requires a lot of patience. We have good moments where we do well navigating through the emotions. Then there are times I don’t do well, but we talk when we both are calm. I pray for God to give me His words and His wisdom. It really is a lot of fun, too. Teenagers can understand things on a different level, but it is challenging because they are still children in a lot of ways and need guidance. Neither teenagers nor I know how to deal with their hormones. We are learning to roll with the moods and shepherd in this in a different way than we’ve ever had to.  

What is it like having a baby in the womb all the way up to a teenager?

Lots of tired- ha! I am exhausted, but the older kids are so sweet. They massage my feet and take care of me. The hard part is I can’t do a lot of things with the kids because I’ve got to focus on the baby. I miss out on fun things and Phud takes them. It is sweet and fun watching the older kids interact with the younger ones and seeing how they love one another.

Additional Advice and Encouragement

When did Phud plant Remedy? Describe the church planting experience for the Chambers family. What is it like being a pastor’s wife? How can we be praying for you?

Remedy started in August of 2008 and officially launched in January 2009. The church planting experience was a bag of mixed emotions. It was so challenging and exhausting, but it was also exciting to see what God would do through us and in us. There were encouraging and discouraging moments. There were bouts of being overwhelmed and questioning, “What have we done?” God used it to bring us closer to Him and to one another. Being a pastor’s wife is probably one of the loneliest places I’ve ever been. There are moments of great reward, watching God work in people’s hearts and lives, and great sadness at seeing the hurt and anguish in people’s lives. It’s difficult trying to keep our family focused, cared for, and together. I think there’s also a misconception that everyone else is caring for the pastor’s family, while expecting us to meet everyone’s needs in the church. I want to be there for everyone, but I can’t. There is so much pressure to always be available. There’s also the side of meeting new people and welcoming them, which results in not knowing what is going on with old relationships. It’s difficult to love everyone well and like I want to. You could pray that the Lord will protect and strengthen us and give wisdom in raising our children well and in leading the church well. Also, pray for older people to share their wisdom with us and invest in us.

Tell me about everything your family has going on right now? How has your family seen God working in the midst of this busy time in your lives?

Phud is the Lead Pastor at Remedy. He is still working on his PhD. He is writing his dissertation and has to be done in the next year and a half. He is also part of the Acts 29 assessment committee, writing for a blog that a professor at CSU started, teaching at CSU every Monday, and coaching flag football. After flag football is over, he will coach basketball. The girls do ballet. We make bowties for The Cordial Churchman. I am homeschooling the kids. I also cook dinner for corporate prayer once a month. We have seen God giving us strength, patience, and perseverance because we get tired. He is also providing for us in ways that blow our minds. It’s rare but means a lot when people give us sweet notes and encourage us.

What does it look like to live missionally in the Chambers house?

Living missionally means being out and on sports teams that aren’t Christian sponsored, living in ways that people can see that Christ has changed us. We get to build relationships with people through commonalities and spend time with other families, loving on them and living out being a witness of Christ. We get to share Jesus and talk about Him and what He has done. We also read the Word with the kids and equip them to have conversations with their friends.

What aspect of motherhood has been the most surprising?

I’ve been most surprised by how fast everything goes by with the kids.

What has been your greatest joy in motherhood?

Just being with the kids, watching them laugh and enjoy one another, and seeing the little ones learn brings me great joy.

What has been your greatest struggle in motherhood?

The greatest struggle is battling fear when the kids get sick or hurt.

What is the most important lesson you have learned as a mother?

I’ve learned to treasure every day with them as if it was my last, savor every fleeting moment, slow down, and enjoy them.

How has God used your children to change your heart? Describe how He has changed you and is changing you.

God has used my kids to show me my sin. He humbles me greatly when I see my sin come out in them. He has helped me give more grace to others and myself.

Do you have any regrets? Is there anything you would want to do differently or that you would change?

I have lots of regrets. I would want to change how I disciplined Jaycie. If I could change my parenting back then, there would be more grace, more relying on God to give me strength, and more talking her through things.

What does it look like for you to abide in Christ during this time in your life?

Abiding in Christ means praying continually, begging for His words and His wisdom, begging for control of my tongue, and reading and memorizing the Word to fight against satan.

If you could give new moms one piece of advice, what would you tell them?

Stay in the Word, stay on your knees, and trust God to give you the wisdom you need to parent and nurture your child. Confidently implement the wisdom He gives.

What are you and Phud doing to invest spiritually into the lives of your children?

We are praying for them, reading the Word to them, teaching them truths, and disciplining and instructing them in the Lord.

How do you and Phud protect your marriage in the midst of raising your children?

Phud reiterates to the kids that we are a team and our marriage relationship comes first. At night, we spend time together and talk. Now that Jaycie is older, she can watch the other kids sometimes for us to do things. We pray for our marriage and for God to keep it strong.

What would your response be to the question, “How do you do it?” in regards to being a mom of seven?

Only by the grace of God! And it’s true! I need to live in His forgiveness, grace, and strength. There are really hard days and really awesome days, and His grace is sufficient for both.

Thank you, Christie, for opening up about what life looks like caring for a full quiver. I am challenged and encouraged by your faith in Christ in every season as God changes you as a wife, mom, friend, disciple, and maker of disciples inside and outside of your home. May God continue to be glorified as you sacrifice moment by moment to point your children to everlasting joy in Jesus.   

What is love?

As a follower of Christ, I know I am commanded to love. This love encompasses God, my children, my husband, the oppressed, the hurting, all the saints, my friends, my extended family, people who disagree with me, my neighbors, and my enemies.

“Love others” seems like such an easy command, and I can fool myself into thinking I love someone else. When I closely examine how the Bible defines love, I can see how short I fall in living out the commands to love. Just the other day, I was challenged by a friend on Facebook who posted about love and charged her friends to embrace the full definition of love. I want to share her insights.

Love:
- lays its life down for others (Romans 5:8, John 15:12)
- is patient and kind, not jealous, rude, or arrogant (1 Corinthians 13:4)
- is not irritable or bitter [and does not insist on its own way] (1 Corinthians 13:5)
- rejoices in truth (1 Corinthians 13:6)
- endures, is long-suffering, and perseveres (1 Corinthians 13:7)
- follows the example of Jesus in humility and service to the point of death (John 15:12, Philippians 2, Ephesians 5:1-2)
- doesn't deflect from its own sin to point at others (Matthew 7:3-5)
- walks as children of the light, knowing the fruit of the light is "found in all that is good and right and true" (Ephesians 5:9)
- exposes the works of darkness (Ephesians 5:11)
- confronts sin, starting with self (1 John 1:8-10)
- builds up (1 Corinthians 8:1, 13:4-13)
- cares about what causes another to stumble or hinders his growth in Christ, willing to give up our rights for another (1 Corinthians 8:1, 9-13)
- aims for restoration and reconciliation (2 Corinthians 5:14-21)
- is following Christ's commands (John 14:15, John 15:10-11, John 13:34, 1 John 2:3-6, 1 John 5:1-3, 2 John 6)
- is knowing God (1 John 4:7-12, 16)
- should characterize our every act (1 Corinthians 16:14)
-fulfills the law: you shall love your neighbor in the same way you love and care for yourself (Leviticus 19:18, Matthew 22:36-40, John 13:34, 1 John 2:7-11, 1 John 3:23-24)
- is truth in action (1 John 3:18)

“By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers. But if anyone has the world’s goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God’s love abide in him? Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth. “ 1 John 3:16-18

So, when compared to the biblical definition of love, how are we doing? I know I can get discouraged when I see all the ways I have failed to love others, specifically in insisting on my own way and not laying down my life and rights for the good of others. But there is hope for the follower of Christ! If our hope is in the death, burial, and resurrection of Christ, His Spirit abides in us, as does His love. We are therefore equipped and empowered to live out the love He commands us to have for others. We look to Christ as the One who demonstrated His love for us by laying down His life for us, and we examine our own lives. In the areas where we are not loving others as He commands, we repent. Then, by His grace, we extend love, even when it is inconvenient, even when it is costly, even when it hurts, because Christ’s love cost Him His life. Our love should follow His sacrificial and generous model in every aspect of our lives, towards God, our children, our spouses, the oppressed, the hurting, all the saints, our friends, our extended families, people who disagree with us, our neighbors, and our enemies. 

A Family Characterized by Humility: Why We Aren't Teaching our Kids to Stand up for Themselves

Even in Christian circles, I hear the phrase, “He needs to learn to stand up for himself” regarding my son. Recently, I’ve been hearing it more, so I started thinking about what God has to say about humility and considering others, with explicit commands concerning this. I desire for the Lord Himself to be my authority in parenting, not the culture, as I navigate what it looks like to parent my children in a way that honors Christ and shows them that they are in need of a Savior. Rather than teaching our kids to stand up for themselves, I think the more difficult lesson to teach them will be how to lay down their lives for the good and joy of another. I am not suggesting they be weak and let others “walk all over them.” On the contrary, think of the self-control and strength it requires to share a toy you want to play with, let your friend choose the game you play each time, or to pray for your enemies. [As a side note, I am also not advocating for our kids to continue letting someone harm them or not speak up when they see injustice. Those, and other situations like them, are different than willingly letting someone else’s sinless preferences be more important than our own.]

J and I have memorized John 15:13 together. “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.” Next, we will memorize Philippians 2:3-5. “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus.”

Did you catch verse 5? The only way this mindset is mine is because of Christ Jesus; subsequently, the only way it will be J’s mindset is if he trusts Christ and Christ gives him that mindset. Since reading Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp, I have asked myself the question, “What does it take a changed heart to do?” This has shaped the way I respond to situations and how I encourage my son to respond. For example, it doesn’t take a changed heart to grab a toy, yell when you don’t get your way, boss someone who is bossy, ignore offenders, or hit back. It does take a changed heart to love an enemy and pray for one who has persecuted you (Matthew 5:44) or to not repay evil for evil but to bless (1 Peter 3:9).

Adults and children who don’t see themselves as selfish sinners see no need for a Savior. I would be doing my son a serious disservice if I taught him to stand up for himself in the way society portrays standing up for oneself. Apart from Christ, we are naturally bent to look out for ourselves and get what we want, regardless of how it affects others. When Christ makes us new creations, we are commanded to put to death the deeds of the body (Romans 8:13). James tells us that “where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace” (James 3:16-18).

Consider with me the example of Christ in Philippians 2:5-11. We are told, “Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore, God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.”

In his book The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness, Timothy Keller explains that “humility is not thinking more of myself or thinking less of myself; it is thinking of myself less.” John the Baptist, in speaking about Christ, said, “He must increase, but I must decrease” (John 3:30).

The way we parent in this regard may go against the preferences of other parents, but this is where grace comes in during our interactions with one another. Our family, like many others, values humility. The avenues we take to cultivate the mind of Christ in our children may look different from other parents. We aren’t saying our methods are better, though we do think they are the best routes for our family. We believe that declaring and demonstrating the humble attitude of Christ to our children by counting others more significant than ourselves and looking to the interests of others, even when it’s inconvenient for us or we’ve been wronged by others, are ways to teach them how to lay down their lives for the glory of God.  

When Other Christian Moms Parent Against My Preferences

Christian moms are unique in that we should share a common goal: raising our children to know and love God wholeheartedly. In a culture of “Mommy Wars” and shaming other mothers, we should stand against these mindsets as women who are united in purpose, though we differ in preferences.

We as Christian moms have a clear calling from Scripture to make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that Christ commanded (Matthew 28:19-20), and this would include our children. When questioned about the most important commandment of all, Jesus responded, “And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength” (Mark 12:30). By the power of the Holy Spirit, we should be striving to live out this commandment and shepherding our children’s hearts to do the same. Proverbs 22:6 instructs us to “train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” From childhood, Timothy was acquainted with the sacred writings, the Old Testament, which are able to make us wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus (2 Timothy 3:15). The commands of God should be on our hearts. We are to teach them diligently to our children and talk of them when we sit in our house, walk by the way, lie down, and rise (Deuteronomy 6:6-7). Numerous other verses remind us to tell our children of God’s wondrous works and faithfulness (Deuteronomy 4:9, Deuteronomy 11:19, Isaiah 38:19, Psalm 78:4, and 1 Chronicles 28:9).

Knowing we are unified in the Lord who has given us a mutual objective should transform the ways we interact with one another regarding parenting. All too often, moms in the Church publicly and privately slander other moms, Christian or not, simply because they disagree with the approaches used in parenting. I am guilty, even if it’s “only” in my heart, of questioning a mother’s style when it differs from mine. I need to remember just as much as other Christian moms that we employ different methods that best enhance the personality of our individual families while making disciples.

I want to add that I am not advocating letting other mothers practice sinful or abusive tactics in parenting, for we know that our system of training our children should be administered in a way that honors Christ. We are not to provoke our children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4). We should see to it that no one (our children or other moms) fails to obtain the grace of God, that no root of bitterness springs up and causes trouble (Hebrews 12:15). We are to do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others (our children and other moms) more significant than ourselves (Philippians 2:3). We are to be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger (James 1:19). We can use the guiding principles of God’s Word and be led by His Spirit to make our own decisions in how we parent, all while extending grace to other moms who are being led differently.

One way to fuel our worship of our creative and faithful God is to see how He has equipped a beautiful body of believing moms to raise up a generation for Him. There is no “one size fits all” methodology, but there is grace lavished on us by our good Father, and we should be leading the way in extending that same grace to other moms, regardless of their preferences in parenting. 

My Husband Knew I Was Pregnant before I Did

I just knew I was pregnant. For days, I had been experiencing symptoms. Then, Kate sent me a link. She didn’t know that I suspected I was pregnant. When I asked her if she was trying to tell us something, she replied that she was just giving me some expectations now that EK was getting to the age for me to get pregnant again. She thinks she’s funny.

As I read the post, I was checking things off in my head, with the hormones reference resounding most deeply, further confirming what I believed to be true. I still didn’t share my thoughts with anyone except Stephen, who had to regularly hear me say, “I’ve got to be pregnant.” We talked about life with a third baby, three under three. We were going through all the emotions, prepping for the positive pregnancy test I would take in a few days.

Friday, January 27^th came so slowly. I anxiously took the pregnancy test and stared, hard, for three minutes anticipating the second line, the one that never appeared. No matter how I held up the test in the light or squinted, it was negative. How could I have been wrong? I spent the next week wondering what was the matter with me if I wasn’t pregnant, asking why I couldn’t wake up in the mornings and was exhausted during the day, even when I was clocking a tight 8 hours each night. I honestly questioned if I was depressed and just didn’t realize it as my hormones raged and exhaustion gripped my body each morning as I literally staggered out of our bedroom while only desiring sleep.

Saturday, February 4^th, was the day everything changed. I took a nap that afternoon, and it was one of those naps where you wake up with drool all over the pillow. As I wiped my wet face, I realized I had passed out without turning on the fan for noise. I can never fall asleep without the fan drowning out the cars I can hear driving on the main highway near our house. It was then that I decided to call Stephen and ask if he could pick up another pregnancy test on his way home from running some errands just to ease my mind about the negative result from the week before.

Around 3:30, I took the test. It didn’t turn positive right away like the tests did when I was pregnant with J and EK, so I just crawled back into bed, pulled the covers over myself, and tried to fall back asleep. Stephen, on the other hand, waited the appropriate three minutes and went to check. As I’m attempting to drift off, he asks, “Is this a second line? If so, it’s really faint, but I think that’s another line, unless my eyes are playing tricks on me.” When I registered what he was saying, I screamed, “What?” as I threw off the covers and almost broke my neck trying to get into the bathroom. (It seems to be becoming a trend for others to know I am pregnant before I do.)

My initial reaction was to ugly cry while saying, “That’s a line. That’s a line, and you know it” in a tone that sounded as if I was accusing Stephen of deliberately trying to play a trick on me. He just hugged me and let me sob on his shoulders as the weight of a third child hit me. Unlike the week before, I hadn’t prepared for a positive result. But I was also relieved that there was an explanation for the extreme fatigue and my terrible attitude fueled by my rapidly changing hormones.

It was a difficult journey trying to become parents the first time, so I assumed it would be hard each time. Lord willing, we will have three under three in October, and I am thankful He is abundantly blessing us quickly. I know people who struggle for years to conceive once and experience pain again and again and others who have lost their precious little ones. I don’t want my pregnancies to cause heartache in the lives of people I know and love, and I want to mourn with those who mourn. I am currently trying to stumble my way through how to rejoice in the gifts God has given us while being sensitive to those who are hurting. The very real fear of losing this baby or my older kids can cripple me at times, so I share our news of expecting our third child to implore you to pray for us and our children. Please pray the Lord’s will be done and for our trust in Him to be firm in all circumstances. I wholly believe He is able to sustain my life, Stephen’s life, and the lives of all three of our kids, but even if He doesn’t, pray that I wouldn’t waver for He is good. 

That Time I Had a Stomach Bug on Christmas Eve

Facebook cares about me, so this past Christmas Eve I was reminded of something I posted the previous year. I thought I had food poisoning, so I asked people to pray for me as I had been sick the whole day. [Thanks?? I mean, who wouldn’t want to look back on a full 24 hours of, well, you know.]

I was about two months pregnant at the time, and Stephen and I had gone out for dinner the night before to celebrate his birthday. I thought my burger had turned against me when I woke up queasy in the early morning hours on Christmas Eve. I spent the whole day, well, you know. [Side story, I contracted a stomach bug during my first pregnancy and did have to get an IV because I got dehydrated. That’s why I asked people to pray that I would stop getting sick. I really didn’t want to spend Christmas Eve with an IV in my arm.]

Still under the impression that the burger was the culprit, I texted Lori, my amazing and supportive midwife. She didn’t hesitate to come over with a couple of natural remedies in tow to try to help my body be able to keep food and drink down more quickly. Y’all, she is awesome. I still can’t believe that she came to our house on Christmas Eve. Lori, if you read this, I’m still sorry that I unknowingly exposed you to a stomach virus the day before Christmas, and I’m so thankful you didn’t catch it.

Like every important moment in life, there was a line from a song by Lecrae that I kept replaying in my head as I got sick. In his song “Boasting,” a section stuck out to me. 

“God has never been obligated to give us life. If we fought for our rights, we'd be in hell tonight. Mere sinners owed nothing but a fierce hand. We never loved him, we pushed away his pierced hands. I rejected his love, grace, kindness, and mercy. Dying of thirst, yet, willing to die thirsty. Eternally worthy, how could I live for less? Patiently you turned my heart away from selfishness. I volunteer for your sanctifying surgery. I know the Spirit's purging me of everything that's hurting me.”

Each time my body seemed to betray me by expelling the liquids I consumed, I had to remind myself that it is actually good that my body was attempting to purge me of the wretched food poisoning (since that’s what I thought it was at the time). I couldn’t help but meditate on the line “I know the Spirit's purging me of everything that's hurting me” as I thought about how growing in holiness and putting to death the deeds of the body is painful as God’s Spirit works in me to purge me of the sin that brings death. The Lord was near and good to me in those hours, granting me joy and thankfulness in the midst of undesirable circumstances. I had a husband who took care of me, a midwife supporting me, and my friend Kate praying for me and holding my hand. I felt the Lord’s presence through the people He put around me who encouraged me and loved me when I looked less than lovely.

“So, how did you discover it was a stomach bug and not food poisoning?” I know that’s what you’re thinking. I may have given Stephen and Brantley and Kate's kids an additional present that manifested itself on Christmas Day. Again, I am so very sorry for sharing my stomach bug with you Stephen, Kate, Brantley, and Lori. You guys are all amazing!