A Family Characterized by Humility: Why We Aren't Teaching our Kids to Stand up for Themselves

Even in Christian circles, I hear the phrase, “He needs to learn to stand up for himself” regarding my son. Recently, I’ve been hearing it more, so I started thinking about what God has to say about humility and considering others, with explicit commands concerning this. I desire for the Lord Himself to be my authority in parenting, not the culture, as I navigate what it looks like to parent my children in a way that honors Christ and shows them that they are in need of a Savior. Rather than teaching our kids to stand up for themselves, I think the more difficult lesson to teach them will be how to lay down their lives for the good and joy of another. I am not suggesting they be weak and let others “walk all over them.” On the contrary, think of the self-control and strength it requires to share a toy you want to play with, let your friend choose the game you play each time, or to pray for your enemies. [As a side note, I am also not advocating for our kids to continue letting someone harm them or not speak up when they see injustice. Those, and other situations like them, are different than willingly letting someone else’s sinless preferences be more important than our own.]

J and I have memorized John 15:13 together. “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.” Next, we will memorize Philippians 2:3-5. “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus.”

Did you catch verse 5? The only way this mindset is mine is because of Christ Jesus; subsequently, the only way it will be J’s mindset is if he trusts Christ and Christ gives him that mindset. Since reading Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp, I have asked myself the question, “What does it take a changed heart to do?” This has shaped the way I respond to situations and how I encourage my son to respond. For example, it doesn’t take a changed heart to grab a toy, yell when you don’t get your way, boss someone who is bossy, ignore offenders, or hit back. It does take a changed heart to love an enemy and pray for one who has persecuted you (Matthew 5:44) or to not repay evil for evil but to bless (1 Peter 3:9).

Adults and children who don’t see themselves as selfish sinners see no need for a Savior. I would be doing my son a serious disservice if I taught him to stand up for himself in the way society portrays standing up for oneself. Apart from Christ, we are naturally bent to look out for ourselves and get what we want, regardless of how it affects others. When Christ makes us new creations, we are commanded to put to death the deeds of the body (Romans 8:13). James tells us that “where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace” (James 3:16-18).

Consider with me the example of Christ in Philippians 2:5-11. We are told, “Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore, God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.”

In his book The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness, Timothy Keller explains that “humility is not thinking more of myself or thinking less of myself; it is thinking of myself less.” John the Baptist, in speaking about Christ, said, “He must increase, but I must decrease” (John 3:30).

The way we parent in this regard may go against the preferences of other parents, but this is where grace comes in during our interactions with one another. Our family, like many others, values humility. The avenues we take to cultivate the mind of Christ in our children may look different from other parents. We aren’t saying our methods are better, though we do think they are the best routes for our family. We believe that declaring and demonstrating the humble attitude of Christ to our children by counting others more significant than ourselves and looking to the interests of others, even when it’s inconvenient for us or we’ve been wronged by others, are ways to teach them how to lay down their lives for the glory of God.