Stephen and I dubbed 2018 The Year of Exhaustion. We spent 2018 depleted
in all the ways. I hesitate to share our story from this past year for two
reasons. Primarily, I don’t want anyone to feel slighted, unappreciated, or
like a burden. My intentions are to be transparent while avoiding adverse
impacts. If my words do incur negative consequences because they are damaging,
I am sorry and would welcome the opportunity to make amends. Also, other people
are hurting in much more obvious ways, and I don’t want to dismiss or diminish
their agony while focusing on myself and my family in this post. But anguish
isn’t a competition, and we are all wounded in one way or another. Rather than
keep silent about the ways I was driven to the brink of destruction, revealing
my struggles can unite people to bear the burdens of one another while seeking healing
and wholeness.
Recap
Last year, we bit off more than we could chew while adjusting to life
with a newborn. One month into 2018, with a 3 and a half month old, 1 and a
half year old, and newly turned 3 year old, we started a 7 month journey sharing
our home with a beautiful family, totaling 10 people in our three bedroom house.
The family was part of our small group, and God called us to open up our home
as a solution to their needs. The other family included a brand new baby, born
one week after move in, a 2 year old, a 4 year old, and a 6 year old. We didn’t
realize how much we had altered our lives until after they moved into their own
place. We had transported everything from our office to the spare bedroom of
the apartment where some cherished friends live so that we could transform the
office into a room for us and Levi. This opened up the master bedroom with the
large closet and separate bathroom for the three older kids in the other
family. Everything from the master bedroom and closet found a new home with
another friend for 7 months. Our older two kids commenced sharing a room and
loved it, though naptime presented challenges I was not always prepared to
handle. By moving Emma Kate to Joshua’s room, this opened up the guest room for
the new baby and our friend.
Within the first week, most of us got the flu. Germs were readily
exchanged, and sickness ensued regularly, including a couple of bouts of a
stomach bug that even infected little Levi. I’m ashamed to admit the hygiene of
the Pappas family plummeted as it was not a top priority. A clogged toilet led
to a $100 bill from the plumber. Preparing dinner for two families most nights
of the week, as I wanted and asked to do, proved to be a much more difficult
task than I anticipated. Laundry for 10 people was a terrifying sight to behold.
Knowing the routine and personalities of the kids in the other family meant
needing to be home or rearrange plans to stay home, even with little notice, to
assist the incredible friends who stepped in as baby-sitters to rotate through
our house every couple of hours each time our friend had to work or was called
in to work. We quickly learned that my introverted husband had limits we had
not yet discovered. My achiever personality could never get ahead, which I was
acutely aware of and drove deep depression as I was continually confronted with
my inabilities to do more and be more. To top it all off, Stephen and I had the
worst argument of our marriage the last night our friends lived with us, and I
grabbed my pocketbook and keys, slammed the door to the Honda, and disappeared
into the night at 2:00 in the morning after telling Stephen he could take care
of our kids by his damn self, determined to start an independent life.
I poured myself out, trying to give my very best to everyone, and things
didn’t always proceed as I hoped they would. I don’t offer up information from the
past year for others to think I am great, because I am not. I never did
anything radical by biblical standards regarding the life of a believer, and I
failed many times. I served, but not always joyfully. Sometimes it was with
great groaning, and no one wants to be with someone who only gives assistance because
she feels obligated and makes that known through body language, actions, and/or
words. I am human and limited in my time, energy, and resources. I am a sinner
with such pervasive flaws that quickly come to light when I am in close
proximity to others. Serving those around me wasn’t easy, as sacrifice never
is, but obedience to what God is prompting is always the right action. Further,
when you love people, you lay things down to lift them up and demonstrate you
want their flourishing. I didn’t follow God’s leading to get anything. No one
owes me. I just trusted my good Father and walked by faith.
God may not ask us to open our home in 2019. We may be asked to do less
than this or far more. Inevitably, though, it will involve opening wide our
wallets, our hands, and our hearts, with no strings, but all the feelings,
attached. This is what following Christ entails.
Stresses
While I deeply appreciated all the help we did receive, being
consistently met with the same handful of generous and kind people often led to
fending off bitterness. I also internalize what others are feeling, yearning to
carry the weight and take it to Jesus with them. My friend was faithfully
persevering and reminded us to consider how she felt if we were experiencing
burn out with the two of us and others coming to our aid. This fueled
resentment toward the multitude who knew the circumstance but weren’t offering
any level of support. I was reluctant to communicate all of this with others
because I didn’t want to seem ungrateful or to discourage them from making
drastic changes in their lives to love the men, women, and children they
encountered. I also wanted to avoid the generally unhelpful judgments and
critiques that were readily given without request. Instead of humbling myself, I continued
letting my self-reliance and independence play integral roles in influencing me
to bottle everything up and just push through. As genuine interactions became
increasingly scarce, apathy and indifference became close companions. Were it
not for my tender husband and the memories I could recall of the steady friends
who checked in on us, brought Starbucks, dropped off groceries, prepared
dinner, folded laundry, and cheerfully attended to our needs, darkness would
certainly have enveloped me during the battles I was fighting against
depression.
2018 also included a continued discerning of the need to deconstruct nearly
three decades of indoctrination in the propaganda of white supremacy, toxic
masculinity, and purity culture. The iniquities I was instructed in were
subtle, but they have shown themselves to be deadly, as all sin is. The current
political climate also ushered in a wave of sexual allegations against numerous
influential individuals. I witnessed people who claim to know Christ devalue
victims, smear their characters, and mock their pain, which painted a bleak
picture of the Church for me, confirming that there are few people who can be
trusted with the details of the sexual violence I experienced throughout the
first two decades of my life. Posts and reactions on Facebook about sexual
violence were harmful to me and other survivors and verified that I was
expected to relive the most traumatic times of my life in hushed whispers and
behind closed doors, only with those who didn’t place their comfort over my need
to be heard and healed. I was simultaneously diving deeply into the Enneagram
pool and engaging in self-reflection and introspection, which don’t come
naturally to me. The results the first time I completed the test led to
questioning, searching, and doubting. As I researched the Enneagram more, I unearthed
my type and didn’t receive it well. Motivations that I didn’t know about lurked
beneath my performing and surfaced while I faced my image consciousness and
need for validation. I was unlearning much of what was core and foundational to
my existence while wrestling with being unsure of who I was. I felt numb and
confused, while trying to piece back together some semblance of the life I once
knew, trying to make sense of the chaos in light of the character of the God
who never left me.
Add to all of this tough conversations and harsh accusations coupled
with the loss of or strain on several friendships for various reasons, and I
was cynical. Why was I expected to repeatedly subject myself to the disdain and
contempt of others? What is the point of pretending like problems don’t persist
when humility is needed to pursue true unity? Why should I invest in people who
seem to just use me and discard me when I no longer serve a purpose for them? When
should I answer a fool so that he is not wise in his own eyes versus not
answering lest I become like him? Do I give up on people who disagree with me
if they are willing to insult my intelligence and threaten me? What did I do to
cause some of the people I most admired to lash out at me, withdraw from me, or
entirely ignore my presence? Confusion marked my mind and spilled over into
every aspect of my life. “Clarity” became my anthem the
second half of the year as I desperately sought God for wisdom.
Periods of intense despondency gave way to depression, and I
contemplated suicide several times. I needed therapy (and still do), which I’m
not at all ashamed to admit because, truth be told, we all do. I also recognize
all of this may sound overly dramatic to some people. It is a privilege for these
to be the stresses of 2018 for me as others fought for survival the whole year in dire
conditions. I am tempted to refrain from splurging the details of the paths I
navigated, but I remain hopeful that these words can minister to others,
inspiring them to reach out and find refuge for their weary souls.
Joys
By God’s immeasurable and undeserved kindness, I
gained depth with those closest to me while forming new relationships. God exposed my pride as I realized how hindered I
was from only accepting spiritual input from people in similar circumstances as
me. I am humbled that I have been part of authentic and vulnerable
conversations with some of the wisest people I know. The people of color in my
life have opened up and patiently challenged me with weighty facts accompanied
with their perspectives. In small group the past couple of months, some of my dear single sisters and brothers in Christ have trusted me and blessed me with their
insights and experiences. Women in my life who are married without children
also helped broaden my understandings. Friends who persisted through difficulties
pointed me to Christ. Women and men welcomed me into their homes and hearts and
have functioned as therapy while nurturing empathy in me. God brought together
a squad of beautiful people to pursue peace and justice with in the world
around us. People from diverse walks of life were unified
in “Your Kingdom come” moments last year, and God allowed me to partake in what
He is accomplishing in His Bride.
The pinnacle of the year was becoming besties with the wonderful man I
began a relationship with ten years ago. I’ve always enjoyed my time with him,
but in the month of May, as we celebrated eight years of marriage, we reached a
turning point. During our anniversary dinner, we engaged in candid conversation after reading some commentary on Genesis 3:16. That night propelled
us into six months of dialog about gender and growing together in such intimacy
with a renewed sense of wonder as I soak in innovate ways to love this guy and
laugh with him. My appreciation for Stephen has exponentially increased as I
realize that he is so rare in his ability to humbly converse with me even when
we disagree because he isn’t threatened by me and my opinions. I didn’t capture
every moment on camera with him that I wish I would have, but the ones I did
will suffice.
For all the losses and pain, God has been oh so faithful. I don’t want
to reduce the very real sorrow that characterized moments of 2018, but the
bright spots that shone through were such glimmers of hope and joy that
reminded me that I am not defined by the defeat I felt. God graciously taught
me through grief, and I suspect I would not appreciate the grace and the
teaching apart from the anguish.
Memorable Moments, Events,
and Trips
* Bestowing kisses on us, rolling, giving high
fives, growing new teeth, clapping, saying simple words, eating solid food,
crawling, walking, and dancing were the highlights of the year for Levi
* Yelling “Steve” from across the house,
pretending to be a dog with Joshua, quickly and efficiently solving problems,
functioning as a back-up dancer for Joshua, picking the noses of other people,
potty training, expanding her vocabulary, stuffed animals (pink bunny, blue bunny,
and reindeer), dancing to the “Spirit” theme song with her beloved Daddy, and
ponytails sum up Emma Kate’s year
* Joshua spent the year imagining he was a dog
and that he owned several dogs, singing “Angels We Have Heard on High” loudly,
introducing himself as Gilroy and Emma Kate as Gil Girl, asking to watch TV
before Daddy got home, correcting common mispronunciations while adding new
words to mispronounce, learning to read, getting brave in picking up bugs,
guessing people’s ages, and being Super Gilroy
* Two rounds of Black Panther in the theaters in
February
* King’s Kaleidoscope and Propaganda in April
* Celebrating eight years of marriage complete
with an adorable mug collection in May
* Pulling off a pixie cut, sporting Louise rose
water Warby Parker glasses, and The Gospel Coalition Women’s Conference in
Indianapolis in June
* A weekend visit to Charleston to see the Jaco
family and meet baby Eleanor (who is birthday buddies with Emma Kate) in August
* My 29th birthday in September spent
sleeping in, eating all the food, and celebrating with some of my favorite
people (There are many others I wish I could have seen on my birthday!)
* Embarking on a Racial Justice Pilgrimage, Truth’s
Table Live, and a service at Christ Central Church where tears steadily
streamed down my face in October (There were times throughout the service at
Christ Central I didn’t even realize my eyes were leaking. The humility of
Pastor Howard Brown resonated with me and struck chords in my heart.
Intentionally crediting the women of Truth’s Table and other women in his life
for teaching him opened the floodgates that didn’t stop flowing.)
* The week of Thanksgiving, I set a goal to
finish the four books I was reading and complete six additional books by the end of the year. The four
books I finished were Heaven by Randy
Alcorn, We Were Eight Years in Power by
Ta-Nehisi Coates, The Color of Compromise
by Jemar Tisby, and the EJI publication Lynching
in America. I utilized the local public library to secure 5 books: The Beautiful Struggle by Ta-Nehisi
Coates, Between the World and Me by
Ta-Nehisi Coates, Is the Bible Good for
Women? by Wendy Alsup, I’m Still Here:
Black Dignity in a World Made for Whiteness by Austin Channing Brown, and Unashamed by Lecrae. When I decided on
the tenth book I wanted to read, I was cautious as I told Stephen my choice. I
prepared him by saying, “All I want to hear is encouragement if you want to say
something.” I told him I wanted to read the whole Bible in the last month of
the year. He endorsed the endeavor and supported me the month of December to
achieve my goal.
* The kids and Stephen watched fireworks with our
neighbors while I got ready for a New Year’s Eve party some friends were
hosting. We had decided that after getting the kids down for bed, I would go to
the party for a couple of hours and Stephen would get a head start on sleep. I
wanted to celebrate with my bestie, but he likes the slumbering. While at the
party, one of the guys asked for my insights on a topic, and we talked for
almost an hour. This simple act of seeing me, hearing me, and valuing my
perceptions filled me with eager expectation for the new year. After another
encouraging conversation with a precious friend, it was 11:30. I called Stephen
to see if he was awake and was elated when he answered the phone. I rushed home
and rang in 2019 with the one I love so dearly.
Lessons
The most impactful lesson I learned firsthand was that the path to power
is marked by those who cache control, those who begrudgingly bequeath as little
power as possible, and those who joyfully bestow power and honor to the least
of these. It requires discernment to tell the difference between them in order
to follow the least likely leaders, the ones that don’t look like they are
leading at all. The ones who humble themselves to intentionally seek out the overlooked,
who listen with soft and receptive hearts and then act on behalf of the
marginalized, and who don’t shy away from rebuking those who misuse and abuse
power are the ones worth following for they most closely mirror Jesus. Most
leaders I have known throughout my life, even faith leaders, are not interested
in laying down their lives for those entrusted to them. Self-preservation is
more highly treasured than self-deprivation for the good of others. In 2019,
I'm going to make conscious decisions to follow those who declare and
demonstrate the desire to die to themselves and their preferences to truly
count others more significant. Jesus gave up everything, He laid down
every privilege and right in order to repair brokenness He was not responsible
for, establish unity, and demonstrate that people have value as image bearers.
If someone thinks it foolish to do the same, he fails to understand the Gospel.
I also learned: ~I live from the approval of God and not for the
approval of man ~truth spoken in love isn’t always met with gratitude but speak
anyway ~friends who want to spend time with one another will make the time
while simultaneously being gracious when the time is hard to come by ~when
idols are attacked I, along with the rest of humanity, tend to get defensive ~achieving
biblical community requires great sacrifice ~intentional and rewarding care
happens at the most inconvenient times ~living on mission often takes place
inside four familiar walls, inviting others in so that you can love and be
loved ~silence is not spiritual ~pro-birth is often politicized as pro-life ~the
pro-life movement has racist roots as the Religious Right emerged to oppose the ruling of Brown v. Board of Education ~it isn’t enough to not be racist; one must be
anti-racist in following the biblical pattern of putting off and putting on ~unconfessed
sin evolves ~reparation must accompany true repentance, as evidenced by Zacchaeus ~a broader
narrative sketches a more complete history, connects seemingly disconnected
facts, and illustrates a logical progression of past events to the present ~the
syncretism of nationalism and Christianity is wicked and dangerous ~anti-police
brutality is not the same as anti-police ~I reserve the right to research and
revise my stances as often as I want to without having to explain myself to
others ~there are those who do not want answers but arguments, and they are inclined
to “win” the debate at the expense of the relationship ~I don’t want to be that
person, no matter how convinced I am of my views ~we can’t all sacrifice the
same way, but we can all sacrifice in some way ~reading the stories of others
fosters empathy ~all the commandments can be summed up in the exhortation to love ~love God and
love others.
The Wrap-Up
I am anxiously (re)embracing how God created me and the ways I
reflect His image, aspects I have stifled in recent years due to the belief
that they were unacceptable attributes for me to display. “Three” was an instrumental catalyst, and the best memories of last year were made when
I was with people who appreciated and cultivated my gifts, talents, and skills.
Changes are coming, and some people won’t understand my decisions, but I pray
productive conversations can transpire. I am going to get healthy, which will mean
removing myself from the people and places that have festered the
sickness in my soul. I don’t have all the details worked out, but I know there
will be professional therapy and that my life cannot remain the same.
2018, you were good to me in ways that I can only see when held up to
the wretched ways I was injured. I will miss you, not in a nostalgic manner,
but only in the way one mourns the loss of what could have been. The glimpses of goodness and flickers of fierce
hope were vital, but I need a panoramic picture and a blazing fire. Here's to a
year of growth, healing, and wholeness.
Even in the midst of
Immense pain and sorrow
I have a sure hope
For today and tomorrow
