The Year of Exhaustion

Stephen and I dubbed 2018 The Year of Exhaustion. We spent 2018 depleted in all the ways. I hesitate to share our story from this past year for two reasons. Primarily, I don’t want anyone to feel slighted, unappreciated, or like a burden. My intentions are to be transparent while avoiding adverse impacts. If my words do incur negative consequences because they are damaging, I am sorry and would welcome the opportunity to make amends. Also, other people are hurting in much more obvious ways, and I don’t want to dismiss or diminish their agony while focusing on myself and my family in this post. But anguish isn’t a competition, and we are all wounded in one way or another. Rather than keep silent about the ways I was driven to the brink of destruction, revealing my struggles can unite people to bear the burdens of one another while seeking healing and wholeness.

Recap

Last year, we bit off more than we could chew while adjusting to life with a newborn. One month into 2018, with a 3 and a half month old, 1 and a half year old, and newly turned 3 year old, we started a 7 month journey sharing our home with a beautiful family, totaling 10 people in our three bedroom house. The family was part of our small group, and God called us to open up our home as a solution to their needs. The other family included a brand new baby, born one week after move in, a 2 year old, a 4 year old, and a 6 year old. We didn’t realize how much we had altered our lives until after they moved into their own place. We had transported everything from our office to the spare bedroom of the apartment where some cherished friends live so that we could transform the office into a room for us and Levi. This opened up the master bedroom with the large closet and separate bathroom for the three older kids in the other family. Everything from the master bedroom and closet found a new home with another friend for 7 months. Our older two kids commenced sharing a room and loved it, though naptime presented challenges I was not always prepared to handle. By moving Emma Kate to Joshua’s room, this opened up the guest room for the new baby and our friend.

Within the first week, most of us got the flu. Germs were readily exchanged, and sickness ensued regularly, including a couple of bouts of a stomach bug that even infected little Levi. I’m ashamed to admit the hygiene of the Pappas family plummeted as it was not a top priority. A clogged toilet led to a $100 bill from the plumber. Preparing dinner for two families most nights of the week, as I wanted and asked to do, proved to be a much more difficult task than I anticipated. Laundry for 10 people was a terrifying sight to behold. Knowing the routine and personalities of the kids in the other family meant needing to be home or rearrange plans to stay home, even with little notice, to assist the incredible friends who stepped in as baby-sitters to rotate through our house every couple of hours each time our friend had to work or was called in to work. We quickly learned that my introverted husband had limits we had not yet discovered. My achiever personality could never get ahead, which I was acutely aware of and drove deep depression as I was continually confronted with my inabilities to do more and be more. To top it all off, Stephen and I had the worst argument of our marriage the last night our friends lived with us, and I grabbed my pocketbook and keys, slammed the door to the Honda, and disappeared into the night at 2:00 in the morning after telling Stephen he could take care of our kids by his damn self, determined to start an independent life.

I poured myself out, trying to give my very best to everyone, and things didn’t always proceed as I hoped they would. I don’t offer up information from the past year for others to think I am great, because I am not. I never did anything radical by biblical standards regarding the life of a believer, and I failed many times. I served, but not always joyfully. Sometimes it was with great groaning, and no one wants to be with someone who only gives assistance because she feels obligated and makes that known through body language, actions, and/or words. I am human and limited in my time, energy, and resources. I am a sinner with such pervasive flaws that quickly come to light when I am in close proximity to others. Serving those around me wasn’t easy, as sacrifice never is, but obedience to what God is prompting is always the right action. Further, when you love people, you lay things down to lift them up and demonstrate you want their flourishing. I didn’t follow God’s leading to get anything. No one owes me. I just trusted my good Father and walked by faith.

God may not ask us to open our home in 2019. We may be asked to do less than this or far more. Inevitably, though, it will involve opening wide our wallets, our hands, and our hearts, with no strings, but all the feelings, attached. This is what following Christ entails.

Stresses

While I deeply appreciated all the help we did receive, being consistently met with the same handful of generous and kind people often led to fending off bitterness. I also internalize what others are feeling, yearning to carry the weight and take it to Jesus with them. My friend was faithfully persevering and reminded us to consider how she felt if we were experiencing burn out with the two of us and others coming to our aid. This fueled resentment toward the multitude who knew the circumstance but weren’t offering any level of support. I was reluctant to communicate all of this with others because I didn’t want to seem ungrateful or to discourage them from making drastic changes in their lives to love the men, women, and children they encountered. I also wanted to avoid the generally unhelpful judgments and critiques that were readily given without request.  Instead of humbling myself, I continued letting my self-reliance and independence play integral roles in influencing me to bottle everything up and just push through. As genuine interactions became increasingly scarce, apathy and indifference became close companions. Were it not for my tender husband and the memories I could recall of the steady friends who checked in on us, brought Starbucks, dropped off groceries, prepared dinner, folded laundry, and cheerfully attended to our needs, darkness would certainly have enveloped me during the battles I was fighting against depression. 

2018 also included a continued discerning of the need to deconstruct nearly three decades of indoctrination in the propaganda of white supremacy, toxic masculinity, and purity culture. The iniquities I was instructed in were subtle, but they have shown themselves to be deadly, as all sin is. The current political climate also ushered in a wave of sexual allegations against numerous influential individuals. I witnessed people who claim to know Christ devalue victims, smear their characters, and mock their pain, which painted a bleak picture of the Church for me, confirming that there are few people who can be trusted with the details of the sexual violence I experienced throughout the first two decades of my life. Posts and reactions on Facebook about sexual violence were harmful to me and other survivors and verified that I was expected to relive the most traumatic times of my life in hushed whispers and behind closed doors, only with those who didn’t place their comfort over my need to be heard and healed. I was simultaneously diving deeply into the Enneagram pool and engaging in self-reflection and introspection, which don’t come naturally to me. The results the first time I completed the test led to questioning, searching, and doubting. As I researched the Enneagram more, I unearthed my type and didn’t receive it well. Motivations that I didn’t know about lurked beneath my performing and surfaced while I faced my image consciousness and need for validation. I was unlearning much of what was core and foundational to my existence while wrestling with being unsure of who I was. I felt numb and confused, while trying to piece back together some semblance of the life I once knew, trying to make sense of the chaos in light of the character of the God who never left me.

Add to all of this tough conversations and harsh accusations coupled with the loss of or strain on several friendships for various reasons, and I was cynical. Why was I expected to repeatedly subject myself to the disdain and contempt of others? What is the point of pretending like problems don’t persist when humility is needed to pursue true unity? Why should I invest in people who seem to just use me and discard me when I no longer serve a purpose for them? When should I answer a fool so that he is not wise in his own eyes versus not answering lest I become like him? Do I give up on people who disagree with me if they are willing to insult my intelligence and threaten me? What did I do to cause some of the people I most admired to lash out at me, withdraw from me, or entirely ignore my presence? Confusion marked my mind and spilled over into every aspect of my life. “Clarity” became my anthem the second half of the year as I desperately sought God for wisdom.

Periods of intense despondency gave way to depression, and I contemplated suicide several times. I needed therapy (and still do), which I’m not at all ashamed to admit because, truth be told, we all do. I also recognize all of this may sound overly dramatic to some people. It is a privilege for these to be the stresses of 2018 for me as others fought for survival the whole year in dire conditions. I am tempted to refrain from splurging the details of the paths I navigated, but I remain hopeful that these words can minister to others, inspiring them to reach out and find refuge for their weary souls.

Joys

By God’s immeasurable and undeserved kindness, I gained depth with those closest to me while forming new relationships. God exposed my pride as I realized how hindered I was from only accepting spiritual input from people in similar circumstances as me. I am humbled that I have been part of authentic and vulnerable conversations with some of the wisest people I know. The people of color in my life have opened up and patiently challenged me with weighty facts accompanied with their perspectives. In small group the past couple of months, some of my dear single sisters and brothers in Christ have trusted me and blessed me with their insights and experiences. Women in my life who are married without children also helped broaden my understandings. Friends who persisted through difficulties pointed me to Christ. Women and men welcomed me into their homes and hearts and have functioned as therapy while nurturing empathy in me. God brought together a squad of beautiful people to pursue peace and justice with in the world around us. People from diverse walks of life were unified in “Your Kingdom come” moments last year, and God allowed me to partake in what He is accomplishing in His Bride.  

The pinnacle of the year was becoming besties with the wonderful man I began a relationship with ten years ago. I’ve always enjoyed my time with him, but in the month of May, as we celebrated eight years of marriage, we reached a turning point. During our anniversary dinner, we engaged in candid conversation after reading some commentary on Genesis 3:16. That night propelled us into six months of dialog about gender and growing together in such intimacy with a renewed sense of wonder as I soak in innovate ways to love this guy and laugh with him. My appreciation for Stephen has exponentially increased as I realize that he is so rare in his ability to humbly converse with me even when we disagree because he isn’t threatened by me and my opinions. I didn’t capture every moment on camera with him that I wish I would have, but the ones I did will suffice.

                

For all the losses and pain, God has been oh so faithful. I don’t want to reduce the very real sorrow that characterized moments of 2018, but the bright spots that shone through were such glimmers of hope and joy that reminded me that I am not defined by the defeat I felt. God graciously taught me through grief, and I suspect I would not appreciate the grace and the teaching apart from the anguish.

Memorable Moments, Events, and Trips
* Bestowing kisses on us, rolling, giving high fives, growing new teeth, clapping, saying simple words, eating solid food, crawling, walking, and dancing were the highlights of the year for Levi
* Yelling “Steve” from across the house, pretending to be a dog with Joshua, quickly and efficiently solving problems, functioning as a back-up dancer for Joshua, picking the noses of other people, potty training, expanding her vocabulary, stuffed animals (pink bunny, blue bunny, and reindeer), dancing to the “Spirit” theme song with her beloved Daddy, and ponytails sum up Emma Kate’s year
*  Joshua spent the year imagining he was a dog and that he owned several dogs, singing “Angels We Have Heard on High” loudly, introducing himself as Gilroy and Emma Kate as Gil Girl, asking to watch TV before Daddy got home, correcting common mispronunciations while adding new words to mispronounce, learning to read, getting brave in picking up bugs, guessing people’s ages, and being Super Gilroy
* Two rounds of Black Panther in the theaters in February
*  King’s Kaleidoscope and Propaganda in April
* Celebrating eight years of marriage complete with an adorable mug collection in May
* Pulling off a pixie cut, sporting Louise rose water Warby Parker glasses, and The Gospel Coalition Women’s Conference in Indianapolis in June
*  A weekend visit to Charleston to see the Jaco family and meet baby Eleanor (who is birthday buddies with Emma Kate) in August
*  My 29^th birthday in September spent sleeping in, eating all the food, and celebrating with some of my favorite people (There are many others I wish I could have seen on my birthday!)
* Embarking on a Racial Justice Pilgrimage, Truth’s Table Live, and a service at Christ Central Church where tears steadily streamed down my face in October (There were times throughout the service at Christ Central I didn’t even realize my eyes were leaking. The humility of Pastor Howard Brown resonated with me and struck chords in my heart. Intentionally crediting the women of Truth’s Table and other women in his life for teaching him opened the floodgates that didn’t stop flowing.)
* The week of Thanksgiving, I set a goal to finish the four books I was reading and complete six additional books by the end of the year. The four books I finished were Heaven by Randy Alcorn, We Were Eight Years in Power by Ta-Nehisi Coates, The Color of Compromise by Jemar Tisby, and the EJI publication Lynching in America. I utilized the local public library to secure 5 books: The Beautiful Struggle by Ta-Nehisi Coates, Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates, Is the Bible Good for Women? by Wendy Alsup, I’m Still Here: Black Dignity in a World Made for Whiteness by Austin Channing Brown, and Unashamed by Lecrae. When I decided on the tenth book I wanted to read, I was cautious as I told Stephen my choice. I prepared him by saying, “All I want to hear is encouragement if you want to say something.” I told him I wanted to read the whole Bible in the last month of the year. He endorsed the endeavor and supported me the month of December to achieve my goal.  
* The kids and Stephen watched fireworks with our neighbors while I got ready for a New Year’s Eve party some friends were hosting. We had decided that after getting the kids down for bed, I would go to the party for a couple of hours and Stephen would get a head start on sleep. I wanted to celebrate with my bestie, but he likes the slumbering. While at the party, one of the guys asked for my insights on a topic, and we talked for almost an hour. This simple act of seeing me, hearing me, and valuing my perceptions filled me with eager expectation for the new year. After another encouraging conversation with a precious friend, it was 11:30. I called Stephen to see if he was awake and was elated when he answered the phone. I rushed home and rang in 2019 with the one I love so dearly.

Lessons

The most impactful lesson I learned firsthand was that the path to power is marked by those who cache control, those who begrudgingly bequeath as little power as possible, and those who joyfully bestow power and honor to the least of these. It requires discernment to tell the difference between them in order to follow the least likely leaders, the ones that don’t look like they are leading at all. The ones who humble themselves to intentionally seek out the overlooked, who listen with soft and receptive hearts and then act on behalf of the marginalized, and who don’t shy away from rebuking those who misuse and abuse power are the ones worth following for they most closely mirror Jesus. Most leaders I have known throughout my life, even faith leaders, are not interested in laying down their lives for those entrusted to them. Self-preservation is more highly treasured than self-deprivation for the good of others. In 2019, I'm going to make conscious decisions to follow those who declare and demonstrate the desire to die to themselves and their preferences to truly count others more significant. Jesus gave up everything, He laid down every privilege and right in order to repair brokenness He was not responsible for, establish unity, and demonstrate that people have value as image bearers. If someone thinks it foolish to do the same, he fails to understand the Gospel.

I also learned: ~I live from the approval of God and not for the approval of man ~truth spoken in love isn’t always met with gratitude but speak anyway ~friends who want to spend time with one another will make the time while simultaneously being gracious when the time is hard to come by ~when idols are attacked I, along with the rest of humanity, tend to get defensive ~achieving biblical community requires great sacrifice ~intentional and rewarding care happens at the most inconvenient times ~living on mission often takes place inside four familiar walls, inviting others in so that you can love and be loved ~silence is not spiritual ~pro-birth is often politicized as pro-life ~the pro-life movement has racist roots as the Religious Right emerged to oppose the ruling of Brown v. Board of Education ~it isn’t enough to not be racist; one must be anti-racist in following the biblical pattern of putting off and putting on ~unconfessed sin evolves ~reparation must accompany true repentance, as evidenced by Zacchaeus ~a broader narrative sketches a more complete history, connects seemingly disconnected facts, and illustrates a logical progression of past events to the present ~the syncretism of nationalism and Christianity is wicked and dangerous ~anti-police brutality is not the same as anti-police ~I reserve the right to research and revise my stances as often as I want to without having to explain myself to others ~there are those who do not want answers but arguments, and they are inclined to “win” the debate at the expense of the relationship ~I don’t want to be that person, no matter how convinced I am of my views ~we can’t all sacrifice the same way, but we can all sacrifice in some way ~reading the stories of others fosters empathy ~all the commandments can be summed up in the exhortation to love  ~love God and love others.

The Wrap-Up

I am anxiously (re)embracing how God created me and the ways I reflect His image, aspects I have stifled in recent years due to the belief that they were unacceptable attributes for me to display. “Three”  was an instrumental catalyst, and the best memories of last year were made when I was with people who appreciated and cultivated my gifts, talents, and skills. Changes are coming, and some people won’t understand my decisions, but I pray productive conversations can transpire. I am going to get healthy, which will mean removing myself from the people and places that have festered the sickness in my soul. I don’t have all the details worked out, but I know there will be professional therapy and that my life cannot remain the same.

2018, you were good to me in ways that I can only see when held up to the wretched ways I was injured. I will miss you, not in a nostalgic manner, but only in the way one mourns the loss of what could have been. The glimpses of goodness and flickers of fierce hope were vital, but I need a panoramic picture and a blazing fire. Here's to a year of growth, healing, and wholeness.

Even in the midst of

Immense pain and sorrow

I have a sure hope

For today and tomorrow