So You’re a Parent. Now What?

I want to share two conversations that capture what it’s like to be a parent, especially a parent adjusting to life with a new baby. One of the exchanges was via Facebook messages. The new mom wrote to me, “I think I thought once she was here, she would fit into MY life instead of the reality of a whole new life.” The other took place on Good Friday when my husband went to get Chick-fil-A for us for breakfast. While Stephen was in Chick-fil-A, he saw a friend of ours who was headed to work. Our friend asked if Stephen had the day off; he was shocked that Stephen was already awake since he didn’t have to go into work. Stephen replied, “I’ve got kids.” His response [maybe] begins to uncover the all-consuming nature of parenthood.

I believe that many new parents, myself included, are shocked to experience all the changes associated with being a mom or dad. People seem to gloss over the difficulties of a new baby when talking to expectant parents. No one talks about the realities of involuntarily boarding a hormonal roller coaster, little to no nighttime sleep for an unpredictable amount of time, not having time to take a shower or eat, doubt as every decision is second-guessed, the tough work of breastfeeding, or relearning how to communicate with your spouse, let alone the possibilities of post-partum or paternal postnatal depression, a colicky baby, infections while breastfeeding, and isolation as well-meaning friends stop inviting you to events because they assume you won’t be able to come. Your life is drastically and irreversibly altered. [Side note: Parenthood is extremely rewarding, and I love being a mom. I wouldn’t change my life, but my life was changed when I became a mom.]

Maybe people don’t tell expectant parents about these aspects of parenthood because they forgot (the beautiful parts of being a parent really do make the early challenging phases fade). Maybe they don’t want to steal the glow of the pregnant mom or be seen as a “Negative Nancy.”

One of the problems with not being authentic about the struggles is that when those dark clouds roll in and the storm strikes, new parents often feel like they are alone, afraid to reach out for fear of being seen as weak and wondering, “What’s wrong with me?” I see this especially in parents who longed and prayed for a baby. They can’t understand why they aren’t always overcome with thankfulness for the new life that has radically rocked their worlds. This is followed by overwhelming guilt for having any thoughts that don’t express gratitude. I remember a friend texting to ask, “Aren’t you just so in love?” after my first child was born. I certainly wouldn’t use the words “in love” to describe my initial reaction to my baby being out of the womb. Tired and terrified were more like it. Sure, I wanted to hold and hug my little one, and I felt maternal in the sense of, “Don’t even mess with this Mama Bear,” but I “fell in love” with him as I got to know him. Every parent is different and no two newborns are exactly the same, so it makes sense that there is a wide variety of experiences surrounding parenthood. Add to all of this the pressure of everyone giving contradicting advice and spending hours reading blogs and websites, and an emotionally exhausted parent is at the end of the equation. Forget enjoying your baby or sleeping when the baby sleeps. There’s too much to do and not enough time.

The newborn stage is characterized by hardships, though the ways new parents are affected are as varied as the parents themselves. Some parents transition into parenthood with seemingly little effort. They return to church with their baby who is a week old, look well rested, and honestly feel all the love for their little one. There are also parents who take a six week break from church, have bags under their eyes for months, and feel such bitterness and regret at times that they want to run away from the duties and responsibilities of parenthood. Instead of romanticizing life with a newborn, I think we should be bold in sharing the trials with one another, eager to support new parents who are battling tough times and rejoice with parents when things are going well.

No matter where a parent is on their journey, the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases. His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning, and His faithfulness is great (Lamentations 3:22-23). Further, the Father did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us. He will graciously give us all things (Romans 8:32). We can encourage expectant parents with these truths and continue speaking them into the lives of new parents as they adapt to life with a newborn.