A Pillar of Patience: An Interview with Kate Jaco

The Lord has used Kate to impact my mothering in such a significant way, specifically in how she is a pillar of patience. Kate transitioned into motherhood 16 months before me, and I was able to learn from her as she grew in her new role. One story I think of often occurred the summer I was pregnant, due to have my first baby in November. I went to Walgreens with Kate and Logan, who was around 1 year old. Instead of rushing through the store and telling Logan to hurry up as he took his time inspecting items on each bottom shelf, Kate enjoyed watching Logan explore. It was the most relaxing trip into a store with a toddler, and I remember making a mental note to reflect on this Walgreens shopping spree in the future when I was tempted to rush through life with my little one. Kate has been a steady source of encouragement in my life, even before I became a mother. The past 7 years of friendship have been such a blessing as I’ve been a newlywed, college student, teacher, and mother with Kate supporting me in each stage of life.

I asked to hear more of her heart as a mother, and she has graciously agreed to allow me the opportunity to bask in her motherly wisdom and share it with others. I know that anyone who reads this will be incredibly blessed by this faithful woman of God.

Background

How did you and Brantley meet?

We met in college through mutual friends our freshman year and started dating our sophomore year. I was attending CSU at the time, and Brantley was at The Citadel.

How long did you date before Brantley proposed? How long was your engagement?

We dated for almost 2 years before getting engaged and were engaged for 14 months.

How old were you when you got married? How old was Brantley?

I was 22, and Brantley was 23.

Describe life as newlyweds. What surprised you the most about marriage?

We got a puppy after being married about 3 weeks. We were living in an apartment in Rock Hill and attending church in Charlotte. Rock Hill was new to us, and we didn’t know anyone. I was commuting to Columbia for my job, and Brantley delivered medical supplies throughout North Carolina, South Carolina, and Georgia so he was on the road all day, too. I was most surprised by the amount of compromise in marriage and by how difficult marriage was. We are such different people and living together really highlighted that.

What were your thoughts about having children before you and Brantley got married? Did you always want children? When did you want the children to come? Did you want to have your children close together?

On our first “date”/hangout/lunch, as we were getting to know one another, I shared with Brantley how I’ve always wanted to be a stay at home mom. We both wanted kids, but we didn’t really talk about it. We didn’t have any career goals we wanted to achieve prior to having kids or a timeline for kids, but we did want to be married a few years. I hadn’t given it much thought, but I assumed I wouldn’t want to have kids close together. 

I remember the night you told me you and Brantley were planning to have a baby. What influenced this decision? What thoughts ran through your mind during the months leading up to getting pregnant?

This story demonstrates how we aren’t really planners. When we had been married for almost 3 years, Brantley said he was ready for kids. There was hesitation on my part, but I didn’t know if I’d ever feel ready ( I hate making decisions of any kind). I read a lot of blogs and stories and knew people who had a hard time getting pregnant, so I thought it could be the same for us, but we were unexpectedly surprised with getting pregnant quickly.

Baby Blessing #1

How long were you married before finding out you were pregnant with Logan?

We found out in October, and our 3 year anniversary was also in October.

What was your initial reaction toward pregnancy and a coming baby?

I suspected I was pregnant prior to taking a pregnancy test, so I wasn’t too shocked when the result was positive. With it being my first pregnancy, I thought I needed to immediately begin planning everything for a baby and buying every supply for a newborn.

What other thoughts and reactions did you experience prior to Logan’s arrival?

I was anxious because I read blogs and heard so many stories of the worst events and outcomes, so my thoughts were often focused on something being or going wrong in my pregnancy. Like every pregnant woman, I felt like I was going to be pregnant forever. With Logan being the first grandchild on both sides of the family, there was a lot of shared excitement. I was eager to see what he would look like and how he would act.

Can you describe the difficulties of the first days of Logan’s life outside the womb? How did you feel in the midst of all the challenges? How have these experiences affected your motherhood?

Logan was born on a Friday. By the time he was born, I had been awake for 51 hours. I was exhausted from the long labor that included a lengthy amount of time dedicated to pushing. By the time I fell asleep, I had been awake for 60 hours. We were worried Saturday and Sunday because Logan wasn’t eating or being responsive. We weren’t getting much rest with family coming to visit. We went to the hospital Monday to get Logan admitted for jaundice. This was followed by lots of medical conversations and decisions. My body was still sore from having a baby Friday, and the walking around the huge hospital made everything worse. Brantley and I left the hospital Tuesday to go home and shower. I finally had space to process. I cried and couldn’t stop. I felt so guilty for all Logan was going through and questioned every decision. This was the complete opposite of the peaceful and restful recovery I thought I would have. All these experiences led to me not having much confidence in my abilities as a mom. I was questioning the decisions I made as a mom and felt like others were, too. Doubt characterized my early parenting.

Describe your adjustment to motherhood.

I didn’t feel attached at first. Instead, it seemed more like I was baby-sitting. The adjustment was stressful, and I felt like everyone was judging me. It was so hard when he was crying, and I was trying to comfort him, but I didn’t know why he was crying. Life was completely different.

Did having a baby affect your marriage? If so, in what ways?

It did. All of our attention was on the baby. Life revolved around the baby. I was on his schedule. For our anniversary that year, someone kept Logan so we could go out to dinner. I wanted the normalcy of going out on a date but all I could think about was getting back to the baby.   

Baby Blessing #2

How old was Logan when you found out you were pregnant with Lucy?

Logan was 9 months old.

I love the story of how you found out you were pregnant with Lucy. Would you mind sharing it?

One night at small group, some friends shared they were pregnant with their second baby. Brantley and I were very excited for them but could not imagine having kids so close together. We both agreed we wanted to wait longer before having another baby…little did we know I was already pregnant. So a few weeks prior to finding out I was pregnant, I felt nauseous, but I thought it was due to the diet food I was eating. One Saturday I was folding laundry and watching Parenthood. Amber found out she was pregnant and that’s when it occurred to me my symptoms could be pregnancy related, so thank you, Amber! I went to the store that afternoon and bought a couple of pregnancy tests. They were positive!

What was your initial reaction toward your second pregnancy? What other emotions did you experience during your pregnancy?

I was surprised and overwhelmed. I felt like I couldn’t have two babies. I wanted to take advantage of every moment with Logan and do special things with him. Excitement and curiosity did grow about the new baby.

Describe your adjustment to life with two little ones.

Labor, physical recovery, and initial adjustment were all much easier than with Logan. I had prepared for the adjustment to be more difficult, but it was easier than expected. Logan was a sweet big brother from the first moment he saw Lucy.

We adjusted quickly, but Lucy was a needier baby than Logan, specifically needing me. She refused bottles. I tried pumping and various formulas, but she was stubborn. She only slept on or near me. She wanted to be held all the time. I couldn’t be gone long, so I didn’t get a break her first year. I placed expectations on her that I didn’t even realize, assuming she would be an easy baby because the adjustment was easy, but she wasn’t.

Describe your “typical” day during the school year.

Logan is in half day preschool Monday-Thursday, and Lucy goes Mondays and Wednesdays. Every other Monday I have MOPs (I am in charge of hospitality for that), and on Wednesdays I try and not do anything so I can have a few hours to rest and recharge. On the Mondays I don’t have MOPs and other days, I do the normal household chores and errand running, have playdates, have MOPs steering meetings, help with other people’s kids, and occasionally have to help Brantley with something for his work. During naptime I usually clean, get dinner ready, and read. We have small group on Tuesdays and then I work every other Thursday, Friday, and Monday night and Saturday during the day.

What are comments, positive or negative, you hear as a mother of two little ones so close in age?

I hear the classic, “You’ve got your hands full.” There’s the slightly more creative, “They keep you busy?” People ask if we planned to have our kids so close. Sometimes people’s tones are condescending about how close in age they kids are. I’ve been asked if they are twins. We do get many comments on how cute they are, too. Now that they are getting older I don’t get as many negative comments, so hang in there. J

How do you respond to negative comments, if you have received any?

Depending on the comment, I either try to laugh it off or say, “Yeah, she was a surprise, but God knew what He was doing.”

What would you want to say to someone who makes negative comments?

God is the One who opens and closes the womb, and He does what’s best for me and our family. I’m thankful they are close in age and that they’re friends. They have a lot in common because of their age, and I think it’s a good thing. Also, could you come up with something original?

What sacrifices have you made in order to stay at home with your children? How do you feel about making those sacrifices? Can you share about your current work experience?

In some ways, I feel like I haven’t sacrificed anything because it would be so much harder for me to be away from them during the day, and I’m so thankful I am able to be at home with them. Day to day, I’ve sacrificed sleeping in or sleeping all night, my own desires in life, doing what I want and going where I want, and my comfort (especially in awkward situations with the kids). Financially we aren’t able to do or buy things we would be able to if we had two full-time incomes. Sometimes in the moment, it’s hard and I don’t want to sacrifice. Ultimately, for my marriage, my kids, and others, I’m called to lay down my life and die to my own desires, just as Jesus laid down His life, and think in light of eternity to see I’m really not sacrificing anything. Currently, I am working for Columbia Charlotte Shuttle as a Reservation Specialist, which requires lots of talking on the phone. I work every other Thursday, Friday, and Monday evening and Saturdays from 9-3.

How do you feel about the upcoming school year when both kids will be in school? What do you plan to do when they’re gone?

Lucy will go Monday and Wednesday from 9-1, and Logan will go Monday-Thursday from 9-1. As of now, I will have MOPS every other Monday. I’m excited for Lucy to go because she has wanted to go ever since Logan started. I’m a little sad about Logan going, but he did so well this past year and learned so much. I know it will be good. I’m not a planner, so I don’t have elaborate plans for when they’re gone. I imagine some weeks will be spent at home more. Ideally, I’ll be able to get in some reading at coffee shops, but in reality, I will probably be cleaning the house.

Additional Advice and Encouragement

You exude patience in all circumstances, even if you aren’t feeling patient on the inside. How do you cultivate this characteristic?  

Well, I think I may look more patient on the outside than I am feeling on the inside. J One way I stay patient is by not being a planner. If I don’t plan ahead, my plans can’t get interrupted or changed. I also seek to keep an eternal perspective and think about the length of time the kids will be under our roof because it’s such a short time. At the end of the day, if something didn’t get done because the kids wanted me to watch them play, it’s not a big deal. Our kids are blessings, and I shape their views of the world and God. God is so patient with me, so I can be patient with my child who is trying to dress herself.

What aspect of motherhood has been the most surprising?

I’ve been the most surprised by how fast time goes. A lot of days feel like the movie Groundhog Day, but sometimes you look up and ask, “Where did the time go? What happened to my little baby?”  

What has been your greatest joy in motherhood?

My greatest joy has been seeing how much of their own people they are and how God made them. They are so funny and have quirks from such a young age. I get to have a relationship with them. In the newborn days, they didn’t reciprocate and couldn’t do anything for themselves, but as they grow in their independence and I see their personalities, I just enjoy being with them.

What has been your greatest struggle in motherhood?

I would say there are two struggles. 1: feeling tired all the time. 2. Always being unsure if I’m making the right decisions in every facet of motherhood. I wonder if I should have done something differently. Mom guilt is the worst.

What is the most important lesson you have learned as a mother?

The most important lesson I’ve learned is to not compare or judge your kids or anyone else’s. Don’t judge milestones, schedules, behavior of kids in public, the decisions other moms make, etc. I tell other moms, “You are doing a great job. You are doing the best job for your child and family.” I’ve learned to not think that other moms are betting by comparing myself to them or worse by judging them and to keep my thoughts fixed on what is true.

How has God used your children to change your heart? Describe how He has changed you and is changing you.

God has helped my heart to not be so inwardly focused and to be more kind towards others. He has helped me see that I get to parent my kids, not have to, and that it is a privilege. I thought I was self-reliant and self-sufficient, but I see how much I lack on my own and how much I need Him.

Do you have any regrets? Is there anything you would want to do differently or that you would change?

You don’t have enough room to write on the paper. There are things I regret, but I’ve also matured in what I regret. I remind myself that Jesus died for my regrets. If I could change something, I would change Logan’s birth experience and his first week of life. I would’ve made different decisions. I regret not being more focused on the parenting aspect of having kids before they were born. Prior to getting married, we focused on our marriage more than the wedding day. I focused more on birth and newborn care through the books I read and classes we took, and I wish I had read more books on parenting to prepare for that since the newborn days go quickly.

What is your advice to other moms who may not view children as a blessing?  

Pray for God to change your heart and to give you joy when you don’t feel like it. And it’s ok to go lock yourself in the bathroom and take a mental health break for a few minutes. J

What are you and Brantley doing to invest spiritually into the lives of your children?

We are raising them in church, and they go to small group with us so they can see community. We read the Jesus Storybook Bible to them, pray with them and for them, sing worship songs, and try to engage their hearts instead of only addressing or trying to change outward actions.

How do you and Brantley protect your marriage in the midst of raising your little ones?

We pray for ourselves and one another. We spend intentional time together without distractions after the kids go to bed a few times a week.

I know it was difficult to leave Rock Hill and make the move to Charleston. What challenges has your family faced in moving? How have you seen the Lord working? How do you demonstrate support of Brantley? 

Some of the challenges we’ve faced are feeling isolated, not having community, and going places and not recognizing anyone. It’s difficult when everything is new. We had to start over in finding a new church, new grocery stores, new parks, etc. When we first moved, Brantley was working a lot during the day and taking classes at Trident some evenings. I felt lonely and lacked adult interaction. I felt impatient with the kids as I spent time solely with them, and God showed me the gift they are and to not take out my frustration with loneliness on them. My being mad wasn’t about them but about my own heart. God is growing me in gratitude for my kids and in enjoying them. To support Brantley, I’ve grown in understanding when he has to work late or on weekends or if we make plans that have to change because of his work. I know Brantley is working hard for us, and I try not to get mad because this is a season. I’ve also grown in respecting that when he’s working from home, I need to let him work in peace instead of asking him to help with the kids or help around the house.

What do you wish people knew about you as a mother?

I wish people knew that Brantley told me the other day, “Please don’t make our kids sarcastic,” and I told him that I couldn’t help it; they are genetically inclined to have that spiritual gift. J

                                                                                                                                                            

What would your response be to the question, “How do you do it?” in regards to being a mom of two small children?

The obvious “church” answer is “by God’s grace,” and that is so true. I cannot do it in my own strength. When I try to, I am impatient. Practically, I let “good enough be good enough.” Some days I get more done than others. God gives me grace, so I give myself grace and extend His grace to my kids.

Thank you, Kate, for being vulnerable and sharing how God has worked in your heart as a wife and mother. Your patience and perseverance encourage and challenge me in my marriage and motherhood. May God continue to be glorified as you sacrifice moment by moment to point your children to everlasting joy in Jesus.