Our Wild Card

Our midwife, Lori Gibson, referred to the third pregnancy as “the wild card.” I can testify that my third pregnancy was definitely a wild card. I was pregnant for 41 weeks and 6 days. For the last three weeks, I was convinced that the pregnancy would never end. I’m pretty sure I processed every possible emotion those last three weeks. In an effort to say that one of the last meals I ate was from Chick-fil-A, I desperately consumed copious amounts of chicken. (As a side note, I had Chick-fil-A for dinner before J was born and breakfast from Chick-fil-A before EK was born.) No matter how much Chick-fil-A I ate, I remained hopelessly pregnant.  

I experienced prodromal labor throughout the last three weeks, which is why that last stretch felt like it lasted forever. Each time the contractions started, I would get excited and think that a baby would be born some time that night or the next morning. I would fall asleep having mild contractions and wake up the next morning disappointed that I was still pregnant. Bitterness and anger were common each time the prodromal labor didn’t result in a baby. After crying and talking with Stephen, I would calm down and appreciate the time I still had with just J and EK.  Lori also offered so much support and encouragement as I battled fears and frustrations. Whether by text or in person at my appointments, Lori gently reminded me that my body was designed to have my baby and my baby was designed to be born. (As another side note, everyone should have a midwife like Lori! Or better yet, have Lori as your midwife! Seriously, she is phenomenal.)

The first round of contractions started on September 29^th during the fourth quarter of Northwestern High School’s Homecoming game against Fort Mill High School. The contractions were mild and continued for a couple of hours before stopping. The next evening, I was driving our family to Columbia to celebrate Stephen’s brother turning 40. On the way, I began having contractions. They lasted for a little over an hour but stopped as I walked around at the restaurant. We ordered our food to go just in case we needed to jump in the car and drive back to Rock Hill. Since the contractions didn’t keep going, we were able to stay. As we headed home that night, the contractions started again. Even when I got in bed, I had a few more contractions before falling asleep. The next afternoon, our chiropractor, Dr. Chad Frisch, met me at his office and gave me an adjustment. (If you’re familiar with EK’s birth story, you know that I experienced some contractions the morning before she was born and that she was born less than 24 hours after I had an adjustment.) I just knew that baby P number 3 would be born within 24 hours after Dr. Frisch adjusted me. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen.  

I had more contractions on October 5^th, 10^th, 16^th, and 17^th. (On the 10^th, my contractions started a little after 10:00 pm, and one of our smoke detectors started going off around 11:00. I got out of bed to see what was happening. I only had a few more contractions, and I cried as I got back in bed because I knew that the baby wasn’t coming that night. I woke up the next morning and cried some more. There was so much crying.)

On October 16^th, I scheduled a Biophysical Profile for 7:30 pm at the end of the week. I made the appointment as far out as I could hoping to have the baby before then so that I could cancel the appointment.  I went to Dr. Frisch two days in a row. At the end of the week, I had an appointment with Lori at 10:00. As we talked, I shared how the contractions in October always started when I was lying on my right side. Even if they lasted for an hour or longer, I would only have a few more once I got up and started moving. Lori wondered if the baby had a hand tucked under the chin, making it difficult to engage the pelvis. A little bit later, Lori examined me. I was dilated 5 centimeters, and she could feel the baby’s head. She let me know that my body was ready if I wanted to go ahead and drink the castor oil smoothie Thursday instead of waiting until the next day. I didn’t even think twice about it. I told her I would have Stephen come home and drink the smoothie that afternoon.

As soon as Lori left, I called Stephen at work and told him the ingredients to pick up on his way home. He also bought me a delicious salad from Chick-fil-A to eat prior to drinking the smoothie. As soon as he got home, I scarfed down my lunch and then mixed the smoothie. I had to drink it in 10 minutes or less, and even though the first few sips were shockingly tasty, chugging what remained was quite difficult. I took the last sip at 2:08 and texted Lori to let her know.

I walked around outside for about 15 minutes before needing to visit the restroom. Then, I went to lie down in bed. My contractions started around 3:30 as I was in bed. I tried to fall asleep, but the contractions kept coming. At one point, I decided that if I had five more contractions, I would get up, move around, and eat something to see if they continued. I honestly thought they would just stop again. I texted Lori at 5:00 because the contractions weren’t stopping.

Around 5:45, we started timing my contractions in our closet as I bounced on the birthing ball. Over the next hour, the contractions got stronger. I doubted if we should call Lori because the contractions were only lasting 40-45 seconds, but they were three minutes apart. Stephen learned from EK’s birth experience and told me he would just do whatever I told him to do. I knew Lori wanted to get to our house when I was still able to have a conversation with her. I told Stephen that since I didn’t think I would be able to talk for much longer, he should go ahead and call. He called Lori at 6:53.

Lori arrived a little after 7 and got everything set up as the intensity of my contractions increased. We talked a little bit between contractions. Lori told me Pam, the midwife assisting her, was on the way. She said she would leave me and Stephen alone to enjoy the last moments of being pregnant and that she and Pam would be out in the living room when we needed them. I labored in the quiet of our room and bathroom with Stephen by my side. Stephen said he knew when I was about to hit transition because I was no longer singing or humming as I had been in early labor. Instead, I began making a low groaning sound. He let Lori and Pam know that the contractions were getting even more intense. He then helped me get to our bed, where I started violently shaking before I relaxed. This was quickly followed by the urge to push. Stephen came back out into the living room to let Lori and Pam know that I felt like I needed to push. Even though each push meant my baby was closer to being in my arms, I literally had the thought that the baby would never be born. It only took two more pushes before the baby’s head was on the way out, so I’m glad I kept pushing! Just as Lori suspected, there was a hand tucked under the baby’s chin. Lori was able to provide counter-pressure to try to prevent tearing. A couple more pushes, and LJ was here! The relief I felt was indescribable as I uttered, “Thank you, dear Lord Jesus” and settled in with my sweet baby. The pregnancy that was never going to end came to an end at 9:08 pm that night, exactly 7 hours after I had the last sip of the castor oil smoothie.

Opportunities, Not Interruptions

Most moms I know have a [rough] plan each day, with some moms being more flexible about changes throughout the day than others. There are days packed with engagements, relaxed days, and every kind of day in between. Even those “lazy days” can be full of unplanned circumstances that can lead moms to bitterness and frustration as their expectations for the day are altered.

I want to share a radical story of what some may call an interruption to one mom’s day with the hope of showing that each “intrusion” can be an opportunity for God to work in and through us for His glory if we submit to Him.

There was a mom named Claire. She was going about her mundane day, carting her little ones home from a doctor’s appointment, trying to beat the clock to get them home for naps before they transformed into the monsters they become as a result of sleep deprivation. [All the moms said, “Amen.”] A woman walking on the side of the road, hunched over with her head down, caught Claire’s attention. She couldn’t explain it, but she felt drawn to this woman. The only explanation she could think of was the Holy Spirit prompting her to stop and offer a ride. This isn’t like her. She lives very cautiously, especially when her kids are with her. She called her husband to talk to him about it but found she was already turning the car around and telling him she was going to pick up this stranger. She stopped in the median and called out to the woman. Relief washed over the woman’s face as she ran to Claire’s car and climbed inside, asking if Claire knew where a certain road was in order to get this woman to her destination. Claire told the woman she was familiar with the area where the woman needed to go as she settled into the passenger’s seat. That’s when Claire noticed the dried blood on the woman’s face and shirt. She tenderly asked, “Are you ok?” The woman broke down, unable to speak. Claire told her, “It’s ok. I’m going to get you where you need to go. I’m Claire.” The woman looked up and, through the tears, said, “I’m Eliza.”

Claire turned the car back around and glanced over at Eliza when they stopped at the next traffic light. She told Eliza, “We can talk if you want to, but you don’t have to.” Eliza began to open up about the pattern of her life in meeting a guy, thinking he is wonderful, and having him turn out to be an abuser. The evening before, her boyfriend Kurt of four years hit her for the second time, leading to the blood on her face and clothes and her arrest when he called the police and his brother backed his story of Eliza hitting him first and him having to defend himself. Eliza now has two criminal domestic violence charges, though it is clear she is the victim, as evidenced by her black eye, bruised arm, and the dried blood. (She is also all of 100 pounds, and though Claire hadn’t seen the guy yet, she figured he was larger than Eliza.) Claire asked if Eliza was planning to go back to the house where Kurt was. She said yes, and Claire immediately offered to take Eliza to her home instead. Eliza felt going back to her boyfriend was her only option as her dog was there, and her dog is the only positive thing in her life. Claire continued driving, her heart growing heavier with each passing mile as she thought about leaving Eliza in this situation.

When they pulled into the semicircle driveway, Kurt was outside waiting, dialing the police to report her coming to his property, wanting them to arrest her again because he felt threatened, and sharing about how she hit him in the face the night before, though there was no indication of an altercation. Claire looked at Eliza and said, “If all you want is your dog, you can get your dog and get back in the car if you want to.” Eliza looked shocked and said yes, followed by, “What are you going to do with me, though?” Claire told her, “We’ll figure it out.” Eliza jumped out of the car and tried to get her dog from Kurt, who was holding the dog’s leash. Claire stepped out of the car and told Kurt he could let go of the leash now, and he did. Eliza dashed back to the car with her dog. Kurt, still on the phone with the police, stepped in front of the car. Claire, not one to think quickly on her feet, continued receiving wisdom from the Lord as she backed out of the gravel driveway, stirred up dust, and floored it before Kurt could make out the letters and numbers on the license plate. As soon as they were on the main highway, Claire started praying out loud what she had been praying silently: Lord, please give wisdom and discernment. Please protect us. Please bring much glory to Yourself.

Claire didn’t have anything figured out, so she decided she would go to her husband’s work to talk with him and determine how to proceed. On the way, Eliza opened up some more, giving Claire the privilege of seeing more of her tender and compassionate heart. Eliza was determined not to go back to Kurt this time. Eliza had a sister close by she was sure she could go stay with if she needed to, but she hadn’t been able to get in touch with her sister yet.

Claire’s husband Dan spoke with Eliza, and Eliza said that though she had heard everything before, the way he communicated was different as he told her many truths, including, “Kurt is a grown man; he can figure things out for himself. He will be fine. You don’t have to feel guilty. It is not your responsibility to fix him. Yes, he is a controlling and manipulative psychopath, but his biggest problem is that he is a sinner, and you cannot save him or change him.”

By the end of the conversation, Eliza took her dog to walk around while Claire and Dan spoke privately about what to do to help Eliza. With no reservations, Claire was ready to take Eliza back to their home and let her stay with them until she could get a job and secure her own apartment and phone while also paying off or working with a debt management company to cancel some of the debt Kurt racked up in her name on countless credit cards as another means to make her feel stuck with him. Dan, being even more cautious than Claire, hesitated as he said, “We don’t know her. Are you sure about this? What if something happens?” All Claire could think about was that as Christians, they were called to live sacrificially, even if it’s risky or foolish in the world’s eyes. She was reminded of an interview with Francis Chan on Focus on the Family about opening your home to those in need and saw this as an opportunity to be obedient and trust the Lord.

Eliza came home with Claire and her kids. Claire was given the chance to share with Eliza that she is created in the image of God and has dignity, value, and worth because God has said so. She shared about the love of God with Eliza, a love that resulted in action when Christ died and rose again on her behalf, a love that brings peace, hope, joy, and abundant life. Eliza was safe. Kurt had no idea where she was. She could rest and be renewed without worry, fear, or shame. She took a shower, put on clean clothes, and spent the afternoon outside with Claire, the kids, and her dog. She arranged with her sister to meet Claire later in the evening because she thought it would be best for her to stay with her sister and not be an intrusion any longer. When she said that, Claire’s heart stung as she thought about all the times she had seen “inconveniences” as interruptions or intrusions, instead of seeing opportunities.

After eating dinner with Claire’s family, Claire drove Eliza to a gas station where Eliza’s sister was waiting. Claire and Eliza exchanged phone numbers, and Eliza hugged Claire tightly, thanking her again for stopping to pick her up earlier in the day.

As she headed home, Claire kept playing over in her head statements Eliza made: “I wouldn’t have stopped to help someone who looked like me.” “You saved a life today. You really did.” “I will never forget you. Thank you for being the brave woman you are.” Claire didn’t feel like anything she did was brave or out of the ordinary, really. She knew that other people have the same desire to help people and, if they knew the circumstance, they would have intervened in Eliza’s situation. She knew some people would still consider what she did to be unwise, but she thought about James 1:5: “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.” She thanked God for His protection and for the wisdom he supplied as she reflected on true wisdom. “The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and the knowledge of the Holy One is insight.” Proverbs 9:10 

For the past two years, almost daily, Claire had been petitioning the Lord to give her wisdom and discernment, and He generously granted both in this situation. There is no way to know what may have happened if Claire hadn’t stopped, but she knows that for now, Eliza is safe. She is still praying that Eliza will not return to the dangerous situation out of which the Lord brought deliverance.

Claire is also praying that the Lord will continue changing her heart to view even the slightest interruption as an opportunity. Moms, each blow out diaper, skipped nap, unannounced visit from a neighbor, prolonged encounter at the store, stranger who needs help on the side of the road, Sunday morning meltdown getting ready for church, and forgotten item on the grocery list can be used to sanctify us as we lay down our desires and see the things that may inconvenience us as a means to make us more like Christ. Every day is full of opportunities if we believe that God has prepared good works for us to walk in (Ephesians 2:10).

As a disclaimer, I am not advocating that we must stop and assist each person we pass, but I do think that we can trust the Spirit to lead us to live in more “radical” ways. I want to end this post with a quote from David Platt’s book Radical. On page 216, Platt writes, “As Elisabeth Elliot points out, not even dying a martyr’s death is classified as extraordinary obedience when you are following a Savior who died on a cross. Suddenly a martyr's death seems like normal obedience. So what happens when radical obedience to Christ becomes the new normal? Are you willing to see? You have a choice. You can cling to short-term treasures that you cannot keep, or you can live for long-term treasures that you cannot lose.” 

A Pillar of Patience: An Interview with Kate Jaco

The Lord has used Kate to impact my mothering in such a significant way, specifically in how she is a pillar of patience. Kate transitioned into motherhood 16 months before me, and I was able to learn from her as she grew in her new role. One story I think of often occurred the summer I was pregnant, due to have my first baby in November. I went to Walgreens with Kate and Logan, who was around 1 year old. Instead of rushing through the store and telling Logan to hurry up as he took his time inspecting items on each bottom shelf, Kate enjoyed watching Logan explore. It was the most relaxing trip into a store with a toddler, and I remember making a mental note to reflect on this Walgreens shopping spree in the future when I was tempted to rush through life with my little one. Kate has been a steady source of encouragement in my life, even before I became a mother. The past 7 years of friendship have been such a blessing as I’ve been a newlywed, college student, teacher, and mother with Kate supporting me in each stage of life.

I asked to hear more of her heart as a mother, and she has graciously agreed to allow me the opportunity to bask in her motherly wisdom and share it with others. I know that anyone who reads this will be incredibly blessed by this faithful woman of God.

Background

How did you and Brantley meet?

We met in college through mutual friends our freshman year and started dating our sophomore year. I was attending CSU at the time, and Brantley was at The Citadel.

How long did you date before Brantley proposed? How long was your engagement?

We dated for almost 2 years before getting engaged and were engaged for 14 months.

How old were you when you got married? How old was Brantley?

I was 22, and Brantley was 23.

Describe life as newlyweds. What surprised you the most about marriage?

We got a puppy after being married about 3 weeks. We were living in an apartment in Rock Hill and attending church in Charlotte. Rock Hill was new to us, and we didn’t know anyone. I was commuting to Columbia for my job, and Brantley delivered medical supplies throughout North Carolina, South Carolina, and Georgia so he was on the road all day, too. I was most surprised by the amount of compromise in marriage and by how difficult marriage was. We are such different people and living together really highlighted that.

What were your thoughts about having children before you and Brantley got married? Did you always want children? When did you want the children to come? Did you want to have your children close together?

On our first “date”/hangout/lunch, as we were getting to know one another, I shared with Brantley how I’ve always wanted to be a stay at home mom. We both wanted kids, but we didn’t really talk about it. We didn’t have any career goals we wanted to achieve prior to having kids or a timeline for kids, but we did want to be married a few years. I hadn’t given it much thought, but I assumed I wouldn’t want to have kids close together. 

I remember the night you told me you and Brantley were planning to have a baby. What influenced this decision? What thoughts ran through your mind during the months leading up to getting pregnant?

This story demonstrates how we aren’t really planners. When we had been married for almost 3 years, Brantley said he was ready for kids. There was hesitation on my part, but I didn’t know if I’d ever feel ready ( I hate making decisions of any kind). I read a lot of blogs and stories and knew people who had a hard time getting pregnant, so I thought it could be the same for us, but we were unexpectedly surprised with getting pregnant quickly.

Baby Blessing #1

How long were you married before finding out you were pregnant with Logan?

We found out in October, and our 3 year anniversary was also in October.

What was your initial reaction toward pregnancy and a coming baby?

I suspected I was pregnant prior to taking a pregnancy test, so I wasn’t too shocked when the result was positive. With it being my first pregnancy, I thought I needed to immediately begin planning everything for a baby and buying every supply for a newborn.

What other thoughts and reactions did you experience prior to Logan’s arrival?

I was anxious because I read blogs and heard so many stories of the worst events and outcomes, so my thoughts were often focused on something being or going wrong in my pregnancy. Like every pregnant woman, I felt like I was going to be pregnant forever. With Logan being the first grandchild on both sides of the family, there was a lot of shared excitement. I was eager to see what he would look like and how he would act.

Can you describe the difficulties of the first days of Logan’s life outside the womb? How did you feel in the midst of all the challenges? How have these experiences affected your motherhood?

Logan was born on a Friday. By the time he was born, I had been awake for 51 hours. I was exhausted from the long labor that included a lengthy amount of time dedicated to pushing. By the time I fell asleep, I had been awake for 60 hours. We were worried Saturday and Sunday because Logan wasn’t eating or being responsive. We weren’t getting much rest with family coming to visit. We went to the hospital Monday to get Logan admitted for jaundice. This was followed by lots of medical conversations and decisions. My body was still sore from having a baby Friday, and the walking around the huge hospital made everything worse. Brantley and I left the hospital Tuesday to go home and shower. I finally had space to process. I cried and couldn’t stop. I felt so guilty for all Logan was going through and questioned every decision. This was the complete opposite of the peaceful and restful recovery I thought I would have. All these experiences led to me not having much confidence in my abilities as a mom. I was questioning the decisions I made as a mom and felt like others were, too. Doubt characterized my early parenting.

Describe your adjustment to motherhood.

I didn’t feel attached at first. Instead, it seemed more like I was baby-sitting. The adjustment was stressful, and I felt like everyone was judging me. It was so hard when he was crying, and I was trying to comfort him, but I didn’t know why he was crying. Life was completely different.

Did having a baby affect your marriage? If so, in what ways?

It did. All of our attention was on the baby. Life revolved around the baby. I was on his schedule. For our anniversary that year, someone kept Logan so we could go out to dinner. I wanted the normalcy of going out on a date but all I could think about was getting back to the baby.   

Baby Blessing #2

How old was Logan when you found out you were pregnant with Lucy?

Logan was 9 months old.

I love the story of how you found out you were pregnant with Lucy. Would you mind sharing it?

One night at small group, some friends shared they were pregnant with their second baby. Brantley and I were very excited for them but could not imagine having kids so close together. We both agreed we wanted to wait longer before having another baby…little did we know I was already pregnant. So a few weeks prior to finding out I was pregnant, I felt nauseous, but I thought it was due to the diet food I was eating. One Saturday I was folding laundry and watching Parenthood. Amber found out she was pregnant and that’s when it occurred to me my symptoms could be pregnancy related, so thank you, Amber! I went to the store that afternoon and bought a couple of pregnancy tests. They were positive!

What was your initial reaction toward your second pregnancy? What other emotions did you experience during your pregnancy?

I was surprised and overwhelmed. I felt like I couldn’t have two babies. I wanted to take advantage of every moment with Logan and do special things with him. Excitement and curiosity did grow about the new baby.

Describe your adjustment to life with two little ones.

Labor, physical recovery, and initial adjustment were all much easier than with Logan. I had prepared for the adjustment to be more difficult, but it was easier than expected. Logan was a sweet big brother from the first moment he saw Lucy.

We adjusted quickly, but Lucy was a needier baby than Logan, specifically needing me. She refused bottles. I tried pumping and various formulas, but she was stubborn. She only slept on or near me. She wanted to be held all the time. I couldn’t be gone long, so I didn’t get a break her first year. I placed expectations on her that I didn’t even realize, assuming she would be an easy baby because the adjustment was easy, but she wasn’t.

Describe your “typical” day during the school year.

Logan is in half day preschool Monday-Thursday, and Lucy goes Mondays and Wednesdays. Every other Monday I have MOPs (I am in charge of hospitality for that), and on Wednesdays I try and not do anything so I can have a few hours to rest and recharge. On the Mondays I don’t have MOPs and other days, I do the normal household chores and errand running, have playdates, have MOPs steering meetings, help with other people’s kids, and occasionally have to help Brantley with something for his work. During naptime I usually clean, get dinner ready, and read. We have small group on Tuesdays and then I work every other Thursday, Friday, and Monday night and Saturday during the day.

What are comments, positive or negative, you hear as a mother of two little ones so close in age?

I hear the classic, “You’ve got your hands full.” There’s the slightly more creative, “They keep you busy?” People ask if we planned to have our kids so close. Sometimes people’s tones are condescending about how close in age they kids are. I’ve been asked if they are twins. We do get many comments on how cute they are, too. Now that they are getting older I don’t get as many negative comments, so hang in there. J

How do you respond to negative comments, if you have received any?

Depending on the comment, I either try to laugh it off or say, “Yeah, she was a surprise, but God knew what He was doing.”

What would you want to say to someone who makes negative comments?

God is the One who opens and closes the womb, and He does what’s best for me and our family. I’m thankful they are close in age and that they’re friends. They have a lot in common because of their age, and I think it’s a good thing. Also, could you come up with something original?

What sacrifices have you made in order to stay at home with your children? How do you feel about making those sacrifices? Can you share about your current work experience?

In some ways, I feel like I haven’t sacrificed anything because it would be so much harder for me to be away from them during the day, and I’m so thankful I am able to be at home with them. Day to day, I’ve sacrificed sleeping in or sleeping all night, my own desires in life, doing what I want and going where I want, and my comfort (especially in awkward situations with the kids). Financially we aren’t able to do or buy things we would be able to if we had two full-time incomes. Sometimes in the moment, it’s hard and I don’t want to sacrifice. Ultimately, for my marriage, my kids, and others, I’m called to lay down my life and die to my own desires, just as Jesus laid down His life, and think in light of eternity to see I’m really not sacrificing anything. Currently, I am working for Columbia Charlotte Shuttle as a Reservation Specialist, which requires lots of talking on the phone. I work every other Thursday, Friday, and Monday evening and Saturdays from 9-3.

How do you feel about the upcoming school year when both kids will be in school? What do you plan to do when they’re gone?

Lucy will go Monday and Wednesday from 9-1, and Logan will go Monday-Thursday from 9-1. As of now, I will have MOPS every other Monday. I’m excited for Lucy to go because she has wanted to go ever since Logan started. I’m a little sad about Logan going, but he did so well this past year and learned so much. I know it will be good. I’m not a planner, so I don’t have elaborate plans for when they’re gone. I imagine some weeks will be spent at home more. Ideally, I’ll be able to get in some reading at coffee shops, but in reality, I will probably be cleaning the house.

Additional Advice and Encouragement

You exude patience in all circumstances, even if you aren’t feeling patient on the inside. How do you cultivate this characteristic?  

Well, I think I may look more patient on the outside than I am feeling on the inside. J One way I stay patient is by not being a planner. If I don’t plan ahead, my plans can’t get interrupted or changed. I also seek to keep an eternal perspective and think about the length of time the kids will be under our roof because it’s such a short time. At the end of the day, if something didn’t get done because the kids wanted me to watch them play, it’s not a big deal. Our kids are blessings, and I shape their views of the world and God. God is so patient with me, so I can be patient with my child who is trying to dress herself.

What aspect of motherhood has been the most surprising?

I’ve been the most surprised by how fast time goes. A lot of days feel like the movie Groundhog Day, but sometimes you look up and ask, “Where did the time go? What happened to my little baby?”  

What has been your greatest joy in motherhood?

My greatest joy has been seeing how much of their own people they are and how God made them. They are so funny and have quirks from such a young age. I get to have a relationship with them. In the newborn days, they didn’t reciprocate and couldn’t do anything for themselves, but as they grow in their independence and I see their personalities, I just enjoy being with them.

What has been your greatest struggle in motherhood?

I would say there are two struggles. 1: feeling tired all the time. 2. Always being unsure if I’m making the right decisions in every facet of motherhood. I wonder if I should have done something differently. Mom guilt is the worst.

What is the most important lesson you have learned as a mother?

The most important lesson I’ve learned is to not compare or judge your kids or anyone else’s. Don’t judge milestones, schedules, behavior of kids in public, the decisions other moms make, etc. I tell other moms, “You are doing a great job. You are doing the best job for your child and family.” I’ve learned to not think that other moms are betting by comparing myself to them or worse by judging them and to keep my thoughts fixed on what is true.

How has God used your children to change your heart? Describe how He has changed you and is changing you.

God has helped my heart to not be so inwardly focused and to be more kind towards others. He has helped me see that I get to parent my kids, not have to, and that it is a privilege. I thought I was self-reliant and self-sufficient, but I see how much I lack on my own and how much I need Him.

Do you have any regrets? Is there anything you would want to do differently or that you would change?

You don’t have enough room to write on the paper. There are things I regret, but I’ve also matured in what I regret. I remind myself that Jesus died for my regrets. If I could change something, I would change Logan’s birth experience and his first week of life. I would’ve made different decisions. I regret not being more focused on the parenting aspect of having kids before they were born. Prior to getting married, we focused on our marriage more than the wedding day. I focused more on birth and newborn care through the books I read and classes we took, and I wish I had read more books on parenting to prepare for that since the newborn days go quickly.

What is your advice to other moms who may not view children as a blessing?  

Pray for God to change your heart and to give you joy when you don’t feel like it. And it’s ok to go lock yourself in the bathroom and take a mental health break for a few minutes. J

What are you and Brantley doing to invest spiritually into the lives of your children?

We are raising them in church, and they go to small group with us so they can see community. We read the Jesus Storybook Bible to them, pray with them and for them, sing worship songs, and try to engage their hearts instead of only addressing or trying to change outward actions.

How do you and Brantley protect your marriage in the midst of raising your little ones?

We pray for ourselves and one another. We spend intentional time together without distractions after the kids go to bed a few times a week.

I know it was difficult to leave Rock Hill and make the move to Charleston. What challenges has your family faced in moving? How have you seen the Lord working? How do you demonstrate support of Brantley? 

Some of the challenges we’ve faced are feeling isolated, not having community, and going places and not recognizing anyone. It’s difficult when everything is new. We had to start over in finding a new church, new grocery stores, new parks, etc. When we first moved, Brantley was working a lot during the day and taking classes at Trident some evenings. I felt lonely and lacked adult interaction. I felt impatient with the kids as I spent time solely with them, and God showed me the gift they are and to not take out my frustration with loneliness on them. My being mad wasn’t about them but about my own heart. God is growing me in gratitude for my kids and in enjoying them. To support Brantley, I’ve grown in understanding when he has to work late or on weekends or if we make plans that have to change because of his work. I know Brantley is working hard for us, and I try not to get mad because this is a season. I’ve also grown in respecting that when he’s working from home, I need to let him work in peace instead of asking him to help with the kids or help around the house.

What do you wish people knew about you as a mother?

I wish people knew that Brantley told me the other day, “Please don’t make our kids sarcastic,” and I told him that I couldn’t help it; they are genetically inclined to have that spiritual gift. J

                                                                                                                                                            

What would your response be to the question, “How do you do it?” in regards to being a mom of two small children?

The obvious “church” answer is “by God’s grace,” and that is so true. I cannot do it in my own strength. When I try to, I am impatient. Practically, I let “good enough be good enough.” Some days I get more done than others. God gives me grace, so I give myself grace and extend His grace to my kids.

Thank you, Kate, for being vulnerable and sharing how God has worked in your heart as a wife and mother. Your patience and perseverance encourage and challenge me in my marriage and motherhood. May God continue to be glorified as you sacrifice moment by moment to point your children to everlasting joy in Jesus.   

So You’re a Parent. Now What?

I want to share two conversations that capture what it’s like to be a parent, especially a parent adjusting to life with a new baby. One of the exchanges was via Facebook messages. The new mom wrote to me, “I think I thought once she was here, she would fit into MY life instead of the reality of a whole new life.” The other took place on Good Friday when my husband went to get Chick-fil-A for us for breakfast. While Stephen was in Chick-fil-A, he saw a friend of ours who was headed to work. Our friend asked if Stephen had the day off; he was shocked that Stephen was already awake since he didn’t have to go into work. Stephen replied, “I’ve got kids.” His response [maybe] begins to uncover the all-consuming nature of parenthood.

I believe that many new parents, myself included, are shocked to experience all the changes associated with being a mom or dad. People seem to gloss over the difficulties of a new baby when talking to expectant parents. No one talks about the realities of involuntarily boarding a hormonal roller coaster, little to no nighttime sleep for an unpredictable amount of time, not having time to take a shower or eat, doubt as every decision is second-guessed, the tough work of breastfeeding, or relearning how to communicate with your spouse, let alone the possibilities of post-partum or paternal postnatal depression, a colicky baby, infections while breastfeeding, and isolation as well-meaning friends stop inviting you to events because they assume you won’t be able to come. Your life is drastically and irreversibly altered. [Side note: Parenthood is extremely rewarding, and I love being a mom. I wouldn’t change my life, but my life was changed when I became a mom.]

Maybe people don’t tell expectant parents about these aspects of parenthood because they forgot (the beautiful parts of being a parent really do make the early challenging phases fade). Maybe they don’t want to steal the glow of the pregnant mom or be seen as a “Negative Nancy.”

One of the problems with not being authentic about the struggles is that when those dark clouds roll in and the storm strikes, new parents often feel like they are alone, afraid to reach out for fear of being seen as weak and wondering, “What’s wrong with me?” I see this especially in parents who longed and prayed for a baby. They can’t understand why they aren’t always overcome with thankfulness for the new life that has radically rocked their worlds. This is followed by overwhelming guilt for having any thoughts that don’t express gratitude. I remember a friend texting to ask, “Aren’t you just so in love?” after my first child was born. I certainly wouldn’t use the words “in love” to describe my initial reaction to my baby being out of the womb. Tired and terrified were more like it. Sure, I wanted to hold and hug my little one, and I felt maternal in the sense of, “Don’t even mess with this Mama Bear,” but I “fell in love” with him as I got to know him. Every parent is different and no two newborns are exactly the same, so it makes sense that there is a wide variety of experiences surrounding parenthood. Add to all of this the pressure of everyone giving contradicting advice and spending hours reading blogs and websites, and an emotionally exhausted parent is at the end of the equation. Forget enjoying your baby or sleeping when the baby sleeps. There’s too much to do and not enough time.

The newborn stage is characterized by hardships, though the ways new parents are affected are as varied as the parents themselves. Some parents transition into parenthood with seemingly little effort. They return to church with their baby who is a week old, look well rested, and honestly feel all the love for their little one. There are also parents who take a six week break from church, have bags under their eyes for months, and feel such bitterness and regret at times that they want to run away from the duties and responsibilities of parenthood. Instead of romanticizing life with a newborn, I think we should be bold in sharing the trials with one another, eager to support new parents who are battling tough times and rejoice with parents when things are going well.

No matter where a parent is on their journey, the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases. His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning, and His faithfulness is great (Lamentations 3:22-23). Further, the Father did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us. He will graciously give us all things (Romans 8:32). We can encourage expectant parents with these truths and continue speaking them into the lives of new parents as they adapt to life with a newborn. 

Caring for a Full Quiver: An Interview with Christie Chambers

Throughout my life, the Lord has richly blessed me by surrounding me with godly mothers who share their wisdom and lives with me. Christie is one of those moms who has been present for me, encouraging me and speaking truth, since the Lord first brought her into my life. When I met Christie nine years ago, she was the sweetest mom to three little ones. Now, she and Phud are expecting their seventh baby blessing. Her kids range in age from 17 weeks gestation to 13 years old. I’ve long wanted to sit down with Christie and get her advice on all things mothering to help me and other moms in this sanctifying role. My heart was so blessed to soak in her presence and hear her heart, especially as I prepare to welcome baby #3. I hope your heart is blessed, too.

Background

How did you and Phud meet?

We met when Phud transferred to Charleston Southern University. We actually met on his first day in January of 1996 during the second semester of my freshman year. Phud’s friend Jughead had convinced him to transfer to CSU for youth ministry, and I was friends with Jughead’s girlfriend.

How long did you date before Phud proposed? How long was your engagement?

We started dating in March of 1996, and he proposed May of the next year. We got married in June 1998.

How old were you when you got married? How old was Phud?

I was 20, and Phud was 23.

Describe life as newlyweds. What surprised you the most about marriage?

We lived in married housing at CSU. I was doing my student teaching, and Phud was working for CSU as an enrollment counselor. He was also working part-time at a church in their youth ministry. Being newlyweds was fun. It was great to just be together and get to hang out with our friends who provided a support system for us. One of the biggest challenges was balancing our new life as a family and figuring out what that looked like with our parents. Putting our new life together first and how our families worked in that was difficult. I was most surprised by the role of working in a church and how that affected us during holidays. I wasn’t able to be a part of holidays with my family in the same way I was before getting married because we were needed at the church.

What were your thoughts about having children before you and Phud got married? Did you always want children? When did you want the children to come? Did you want to have your children close together?

We both wanted a lot of kids. We had a plan, in our own minds, for me to finish school and get my Masters and Phud to finish seminary prior to having kids. Phud was thinking long-range at the time. I was ready to begin having kids right away. I think that if we could go back, we probably would have kids sooner. We didn’t really talk about having our kids close together.

What influenced your decision to begin trying to have children? What thoughts ran through your mind during the months leading up to getting pregnant? Can you share your experience?

During Phud’s first year in seminary while I was teaching, he took an ethics class that influenced our decision for me to stop taking my birth control. I was taking birth control because of a ruptured ovary and polycystic ovary syndrome. I was medically advised not to stop my birth control until I was ready to start fertility treatments because when I had stopped taking my birth control a few years before, I had developed more cysts. I wasn’t supposed to be able to naturally conceive, but when we decided that I would stop taking my birth control, we didn’t start fertility treatments. It took us a year to get pregnant. We were actually going to schedule an appointment with a fertility specialist the month we found out we were expecting our first baby. During this time, there were many fears running through my mind. I feared what would happen medically, not being able to get pregnant, and having to be hospitalized again. We had to fight for patience and trust.

Baby Blessings

How long were you married before finding out you were pregnant with Jaycie?

We were married 5 years when we found out we were pregnant for the first time.

What was your initial reaction toward pregnancy and a coming baby?

There was extreme excitement, and I was completely overcome with gratefulness.

What other thoughts and reactions did you experience prior to Jaycie’s arrival?

I experienced normal fears. I also went into preterm labor 3 months early and was put on bedrest for 2 months. The medication I had to take made me shake. Fear of losing Jaycie was present throughout this time.  

Describe your adjustment to motherhood.

The adjustment was really hard. I had post-partum depression, was scared, didn’t know what I was doing, and didn’t want to do anything that would hurt Jaycie. She was colicky and screamed all the time, in addition to other problems she had. I was often home alone, especially at night, because Phud was working third shift at UPS, he had school, and he was volunteering as a youth minister at a church. I developed recurring mastitis and had to have surgery. I was also reading books that I now regret reading because they caused me more stress as I tried to follow the book instead of doing what was best for Jaycie.

Did having a baby affect your marriage? If so, in what ways?

Having a baby definitely strengthened our marriage as we had to depend on each other more. Phud saw sides of me he hadn’t seen before and handled it beautifully. We were scared together. There was certainly an added strain on our marriage, but it brought us closer through it. We also had a community group pushing us toward Christ.

What has been your initial reaction toward each pregnancy? What other emotions have you experienced during your pregnancies?

With Charis, Aiden, and Mackalla, we were shocked but excited. Then came Liam. Haha. We wanted to get finished with Phud’s PhD so this wasn’t in our timing. I had also been put to sleep for a medical procedure before knowing I was pregnant, so I was worried about the baby. I also had a disc rupture in my back when I was 20 weeks pregnant and couldn’t move. When I got pregnant with Tristan, we were again shocked but excited. Finding out about Evangeline was a little more difficult for me. I wasn’t ready to be pregnant again because I’m old and my body is tired. Selfishly I also wanted to lose some more weight, and I wanted to get my varicose veins fixed to prevent this risk of blood clots in a future pregnancy. With each pregnancy, I’ve experienced fears and anxieties. 

How would you describe each adjustment to a new child?

There are hard things about adjusting to a new child each time, but they are quickly overcome. For the most part, the kids have always adjusted well. They get more dependent on daddy, which is good for him. Also, reading Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child helped me tremendously in each subsequent adjustment to a baby after Jaycie. This book aided me in understanding the chemical makeup of our bodies and how to naturally establish healthy sleep routines. I trust myself more to feed the baby when the baby needs to be fed and this had made the transitions easier. Ensuring the baby is fed, happy, and well rested and simply being comfortable with the decisions I make instead of comparing myself to others or feeling like a failure for not doing what the authors of a book say have made the adjustments smoother.

How far apart are your kids?

They are all 2 years apart except Mackalla and Liam who are a little over 3 years apart.

How much sleep do you get?

It depends. I get anywhere from 5-7 hours of sleep a night. Right now, I am getting the most sleep I ever do because Phud sends me to bed. I go to sleep between 11 and 12, get up to use the restroom throughout the night, and wake up around 5 and try to go back to sleep until 6 when Tristan wakes up each morning.

How have you been challenged or encouraged with your current pregnancy as you are expecting your seventh baby blessing?

We had a test done at 12 weeks. The ultrasound revealed extra fluid on her neck. The midwife was so upset that she couldn’t even tell us what was going on as this was an indicator that something was wrong. She told us it could be a heart defect or an indication of special needs. She told us to pray that Jesus would heal her, and we did. We had faith that He would while trusting Him even if He didn’t and believing that He is good and in control and will carry us no matter what. 6 days later, we had an appointment with Maternal-Fetal Medicine, and Evangeline is seemingly healed. The doctor said she still could be born with problems, but nothing measured incorrectly. We were so overjoyed. The specialist didn’t even understand. He pulled up our original ultrasound to check and couldn’t explain what happened. All of this was a huge encouragement to see Jesus’ healing hand and the power of prayer.

How do the older children assist with housework?

When I was pregnant with Liam and the disc in my back ruptured, Jaycie was around 9. She had to step up. She started helping with cooking as I instructed her from the couch. Phud started giving the kids little chores to do, such as clean their own rooms and work together to clean the school room. As they got older, he gave them more responsibilities. Now, the four oldest kids all have specific kitchen chores after every meal and at 3:30, the kids do daily house pick up chores. This includes them cleaning their own rooms, the hallways and stairs, the loft, the school room, and Tristan’s room. We recently implemented “deep clean Friday.” The kids vacuum, clean the bathrooms (toilets, showers, counters, and mirrors), and empty the garbage cans throughout the house. I still do the laundry, but they put it away. I have to keep on top of them to make sure their chores are done correctly, but they do a good job. When they do their chores begrudgingly or complain, we remind them that we are a family and this is what it means to be part of a family, and we pay for their food, housing, and clothes, so they can certainly help keep the house clean.

Describe your “typical” day during the school year.

There is a lot of trial and error to figure out what works especially since things are always changing. Right now, if the kids are up before 9, they start their school work. I wake up with Tristan at 6, and at 7:30, I go for a walk with Tristan and Aiden. Liam sometimes comes with us. When we get back, I cook breakfast, and we eat at 9. At 9:30, the kids clean the kitchen. We officially start school at 9:45 in the school room. I work with the kids and rotate as needed. Tristan wreaks havoc! We have lunch at 12, and the kids clean up the kitchen at 12:45. From 1-3, the kids finish school. When they finish, they can go outside and play. At 3:30, the kids complete their daily house pick up chores. At 4:00 Monday-Thursday, I take whoever has ballet. The kids play outside until it is time for dinner. We eat dinner around 5:30 or 6. The kids clean up the kitchen again. One of us picks up the girls from ballet. Some nights we pick up at 8 and other days are different. Technology is reserved for the weekends. This, of course, is a perfect day, but let's be real... not every day goes perfectly. (At all! Haha!!). As my college professor, Dr. Lynda Karges-Bone, used to tell us, "Monitor and adjust!" Haha!! 

What are comments, positive or negative, you hear as a mother of seven?

I mostly hear, “Woah, that’s a lot of kids” or “I could never have that many kids.” Recently, a young woman pregnant with her first child said, “What a blessing!” I’ve also heard, “You do know what causes this?” or “There are things you can do to prevent that.” We’ve also been told, “One of y’all needs to get fixed.”

How do you respond to negative comments, if you have received any?

I just smile and say, “Yep, it’s a lot” or “Yes, we do” when someone asks if we know what causes pregnancy. I always say, “They’re a blessing.”

What would you want to say to someone who makes negative comments?

The comments don’t bother me. I have just never cared and expect it.

What sacrifices have you made in order to stay at home with your children? How do you feel about making those sacrifices? Can you share about your current work experience?

When we were engaged, a married couple advised us to live off one income so that when we had kids, one of us could stay home and it wouldn’t be a shock. We’ve always been wise with the income God has given us and are used to frugal living. We learned to not have things, buy things, or go places. We rarely take vacations. We try not to take on new debt, and we save up for what we want. We sacrifice spontaneous outings, rarely dine out, and don’t have new items. Sometimes it’s hard because I want to be able to spontaneously have fun with the kids, like going to an amusement park or going out for ice cream, but I’ve gotten used to it. The kids have also learned to save their own money if they want to purchase items. Recently, Aiden bought a bike for himself. I am still working for The Cordial Churchman. It can be unpredictable since it depends on the number of orders, but typically Phud and I start working on bowties after the two little ones go to bed. I usually sew from 7:30 to midnight. Some mornings, I have to finish bowties before making breakfast if an order needs to be mailed out that day. 

How has your mothering changed over the years?

I’ve gained more wisdom the older I’ve gotten and the more experience I’ve had. I have learned to give grace to the kids, understanding they are all different, need to be disciplined differently, and things need to be handled differently. My mothering includes more relying on Jesus to carry me through instead of doing and solving things on my own. I am on my knees more and trusting more that He will give the wisdom and strength. I also pray the kids will forget what I say and do when I’m not parenting by the strength and grace of Jesus.

What does parenting a teenager look like?

Oh, bless it. Parenting a teenager requires a lot of patience. We have good moments where we do well navigating through the emotions. Then there are times I don’t do well, but we talk when we both are calm. I pray for God to give me His words and His wisdom. It really is a lot of fun, too. Teenagers can understand things on a different level, but it is challenging because they are still children in a lot of ways and need guidance. Neither teenagers nor I know how to deal with their hormones. We are learning to roll with the moods and shepherd in this in a different way than we’ve ever had to.  

What is it like having a baby in the womb all the way up to a teenager?

Lots of tired- ha! I am exhausted, but the older kids are so sweet. They massage my feet and take care of me. The hard part is I can’t do a lot of things with the kids because I’ve got to focus on the baby. I miss out on fun things and Phud takes them. It is sweet and fun watching the older kids interact with the younger ones and seeing how they love one another.

Additional Advice and Encouragement

When did Phud plant Remedy? Describe the church planting experience for the Chambers family. What is it like being a pastor’s wife? How can we be praying for you?

Remedy started in August of 2008 and officially launched in January 2009. The church planting experience was a bag of mixed emotions. It was so challenging and exhausting, but it was also exciting to see what God would do through us and in us. There were encouraging and discouraging moments. There were bouts of being overwhelmed and questioning, “What have we done?” God used it to bring us closer to Him and to one another. Being a pastor’s wife is probably one of the loneliest places I’ve ever been. There are moments of great reward, watching God work in people’s hearts and lives, and great sadness at seeing the hurt and anguish in people’s lives. It’s difficult trying to keep our family focused, cared for, and together. I think there’s also a misconception that everyone else is caring for the pastor’s family, while expecting us to meet everyone’s needs in the church. I want to be there for everyone, but I can’t. There is so much pressure to always be available. There’s also the side of meeting new people and welcoming them, which results in not knowing what is going on with old relationships. It’s difficult to love everyone well and like I want to. You could pray that the Lord will protect and strengthen us and give wisdom in raising our children well and in leading the church well. Also, pray for older people to share their wisdom with us and invest in us.

Tell me about everything your family has going on right now? How has your family seen God working in the midst of this busy time in your lives?

Phud is the Lead Pastor at Remedy. He is still working on his PhD. He is writing his dissertation and has to be done in the next year and a half. He is also part of the Acts 29 assessment committee, writing for a blog that a professor at CSU started, teaching at CSU every Monday, and coaching flag football. After flag football is over, he will coach basketball. The girls do ballet. We make bowties for The Cordial Churchman. I am homeschooling the kids. I also cook dinner for corporate prayer once a month. We have seen God giving us strength, patience, and perseverance because we get tired. He is also providing for us in ways that blow our minds. It’s rare but means a lot when people give us sweet notes and encourage us.

What does it look like to live missionally in the Chambers house?

Living missionally means being out and on sports teams that aren’t Christian sponsored, living in ways that people can see that Christ has changed us. We get to build relationships with people through commonalities and spend time with other families, loving on them and living out being a witness of Christ. We get to share Jesus and talk about Him and what He has done. We also read the Word with the kids and equip them to have conversations with their friends.

What aspect of motherhood has been the most surprising?

I’ve been most surprised by how fast everything goes by with the kids.

What has been your greatest joy in motherhood?

Just being with the kids, watching them laugh and enjoy one another, and seeing the little ones learn brings me great joy.

What has been your greatest struggle in motherhood?

The greatest struggle is battling fear when the kids get sick or hurt.

What is the most important lesson you have learned as a mother?

I’ve learned to treasure every day with them as if it was my last, savor every fleeting moment, slow down, and enjoy them.

How has God used your children to change your heart? Describe how He has changed you and is changing you.

God has used my kids to show me my sin. He humbles me greatly when I see my sin come out in them. He has helped me give more grace to others and myself.

Do you have any regrets? Is there anything you would want to do differently or that you would change?

I have lots of regrets. I would want to change how I disciplined Jaycie. If I could change my parenting back then, there would be more grace, more relying on God to give me strength, and more talking her through things.

What does it look like for you to abide in Christ during this time in your life?

Abiding in Christ means praying continually, begging for His words and His wisdom, begging for control of my tongue, and reading and memorizing the Word to fight against satan.

If you could give new moms one piece of advice, what would you tell them?

Stay in the Word, stay on your knees, and trust God to give you the wisdom you need to parent and nurture your child. Confidently implement the wisdom He gives.

What are you and Phud doing to invest spiritually into the lives of your children?

We are praying for them, reading the Word to them, teaching them truths, and disciplining and instructing them in the Lord.

How do you and Phud protect your marriage in the midst of raising your children?

Phud reiterates to the kids that we are a team and our marriage relationship comes first. At night, we spend time together and talk. Now that Jaycie is older, she can watch the other kids sometimes for us to do things. We pray for our marriage and for God to keep it strong.

What would your response be to the question, “How do you do it?” in regards to being a mom of seven?

Only by the grace of God! And it’s true! I need to live in His forgiveness, grace, and strength. There are really hard days and really awesome days, and His grace is sufficient for both.

Thank you, Christie, for opening up about what life looks like caring for a full quiver. I am challenged and encouraged by your faith in Christ in every season as God changes you as a wife, mom, friend, disciple, and maker of disciples inside and outside of your home. May God continue to be glorified as you sacrifice moment by moment to point your children to everlasting joy in Jesus.