Cultivating a Marriage beyond Children: An Interview with
Cheryl Reynolds
The past nine years have been so good for my soul as a
friendship with Cheryl was established and has grown. Cheryl has been a wealth
of wisdom for all aspects of life, offering encouragement and support during
each new stage of my journey.
Since becoming a mom, I have thought and heard numerous
moms say something to the effect of, “So much energy is directed towards our
kids. Our marriage doesn’t always get the time it should. I hope that we have
something of substance after the kids have moved out of the house.”
Gary and Cheryl have a marriage worthy of emulation,
but there is intentionality and hard work they have put into cultivating their
marriage. Cheryl kindly agreed to sit down with me and give me the opportunity
to glean as much information as possible about nurturing the marriage
relationship in such a way that after the kids have moved out, there is still a
bond and intimacy that have been strengthened during the trials and triumphs.
Background
How did you and Gary meet?
We met singing together in a college age
group at church. We traveled to different area churches and events to sing.
Gary and I shared a microphone. I was dating someone else at first, and we were
friends for a year. One day after I had broken up with my boyfriend, Gary and I
were singing onstage. I looked over at him and thought, “He’s kind of cute.” I
began to see him differently. Eventually we started dating, but I made the
first move.
When did you and Gary get married? How old were you when you got
married? How old was Gary?
Our first date was June 6, 1983. We got
engaged on October 23, 1983. Our wedding
day was May 19, 1984. I was almost 21, and Gary was 25 when we got married.
Describe life as newlyweds. What surprised you the most about
marriage?
We loved life as newlyweds most of the
time. We lived in a one bedroom apartment in a complex that was filled with
young couples from church. It was like a college Christian dorm, and we had so
much fun. We had great friends there, and we always saw people we knew. Gary
was a young engineer, working his way up, and he worked a lot of hours. I
worked at a local bank. One of my favorite memories from this time in our lives
was eating dinner at our card table. We didn’t have a dining room table. We
only had a card table with 2 folding chairs. The card table was so wobbly we
had to cut our meat in unison. That is still such a sweet memory for me!
I was most surprised by the things we
brought into our marriage from our past. We brought with us different
experiences, family cultures, and expectations. Gary brought a suitcase of his
past experiences, and I brought probably a much larger suitcase of my own. We had to work through those things together
for God’s glory. There were serious things we had to work through, but a silly
example took place in the days before free soda refills. We went out to dinner,
which was rare because we were poor. I wanted a refill (which for all you
millennials means we had to pay for 2 sodas).
Gary said no as we couldn’t afford it. I was upset and told him, “My dad
always bought me two sodas!”
Can you share one example of a mountain and a valley from your
marriage? How did you see God work in those times?
An example of a mountain in our marriage
was our 20th anniversary trip to Hawaii. We went to Hawaii for our
honeymoon, and Gary promised me then that we would come back for our 20th
anniversary. When our anniversary arrived, we didn’t have the money for the
trip. Gary was so convicted to keep his word that he prayed for the Lord to
provide the money. He booked our trip on faith, trusting that God would
provide. Later that week we received in
the mail a reimbursement check from our insurance company. It was the exact
amount we needed for the tickets. A trip
to Hawaii is definitely NOT a need, but seeing God’s loving provision was truly
amazing! He honored Gary’s desire to
honor me and keep his word.
An example of a valley was when we were
trying to sell our home in California during the housing crisis of 2008. The
market had all but collapsed in CA.
After moving here, our home was on the market for a very long time. We
wanted to honor God and honor our commitments, but humanly speaking it was very
discouraging. We were paying for college tuition for 2 kids, as well as 2 house
payments every month. During this time,
God was teaching us the principle of tithing and first fruits. It would be easy
to justify not tithing so we could allocate more towards our financial
responsibilities. We were reading in Malachi 3:6-12. The Lord put this on our
hearts. In what we saw as a time of financial desperation, the Lord led us to
these verses to show us that we should not rob God of His first fruits. It’s
one of the only times, if not the only time, in Scripture where God invites us
to test Him. We needed to give God our
first fruits and then trust Him to open the storehouses and provide for our
financial needs. We saw that He is faithful, and we CAN trust Him, even when it
doesn’t make sense on paper. Everything we have is His, and we are just called
to steward it well for His glory. The Lord faithfully and lovingly used the
2008 mortgage crisis to humble us, make us more compassionate towards others
experiencing financial difficulties, and teach us how to joyfully give our
first fruits, trusting Him to provide for our needs. HE IS ABLE!
“For I the LORD do not change; therefore
you, O children of Jacob, are not consumed. From the days of your father, you
have turned aside from my statutes and have not kept them. Return to me, and I
will return to you, says the LORD of hosts. But you say, ‘How shall we return?’
Will man rob God? Yet you are robbing me. But you say, ‘How have we robbed
you?’ In your tithes and contributions. You are cursed with a curse, for you
are robbing me, the whole nation of you. Bring the full tithe into the storehouse,
that there may be food in my house. And thereby put me to the test, says the
LORD of hosts, if I will not open the windows of heaven for you and pour down
for you a blessing until there is no more need. I will rebuke the
devourer for you, so that it will not destroy the fruits of your soil, and your
vine in the field shall not fail to bear, says the LORD of hosts. Then all
nations will call you blessed, for you will be a land of delight, says the LORD
of hosts.” Malachi 3:6-12
Why do you and Gary persevere in your marriage?
There’s a great quote in a book called Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas that says,
“What if God designed marriage to make us
holy more than to make us happy?” Say whaaat? Our marriage isn’t primarily
for our happiness but for our holiness. God uses our marriage to sanctify us
and make us less selfish. It’s the place where our ugly sin stares back at us
in the bathroom mirror. As Gary and I are maturing in Christ, we are beginning
to learn this principle. We are learning that we can’t do it in our own
strength. We must be filled with the
Spirit, filled with grace and forgiveness, working to confess and kill our
sin. Marriage is a reflection of Christ
and His Church. We desperately want our
family, friends, co-workers, and the world to see the Gospel of Christ in and
through our marriage. This is why we persevere. And guess what? The more I
pursue holiness, the happier I am in our marriage!
How do you and Gary guard against bitterness towards one
another?
“Let no corrupting talk come out of your
mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it
may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit, by whom
you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and
anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be
kind to one another, tender hearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ
forgave you.” Ephesians 4:29-32
Corrupting talk DOES come out of my mouth
at times. I hate it. If I feel disappointment or bitterness towards Gary, it is
usually because I feel I have been wronged or he has failed to meet my
expectation in some way.
Unmet expectations focus on self, breed bitterness, and can kill marriages!
Instead God gently calls me to lay down my unmet expectations on the altar of sacrifice and practice Biblical humility in putting Gary’s needs before mine. I am reminded of Tim Keller’s quote in The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness that says, “The essence of Gospel- humility is not thinking more of myself or less of myself. It is thinking of myself less.” (Philippians 2:3)
Unmet expectations focus on self, breed bitterness, and can kill marriages!
Instead God gently calls me to lay down my unmet expectations on the altar of sacrifice and practice Biblical humility in putting Gary’s needs before mine. I am reminded of Tim Keller’s quote in The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness that says, “The essence of Gospel- humility is not thinking more of myself or less of myself. It is thinking of myself less.” (Philippians 2:3)
This has taken years, and I am still
working on it because it’s a process. I am learning that Gary makes a terrible
god. It’s a lot of pressure to put on him to meet all my expectations and
needs; only God can do this. God has also shown me something remarkable! When I
lay my unmet expectations on the altar of sacrifice before God, it is a sweet
aroma to Him. In my experience, either He meets that expectation or need in my
life OR He changes my heart about it.
Baby Blessing 1
How long were you married before finding out you were pregnant
with Melissa?
We were married for 4 years.
What thoughts and reactions did you experience prior to
Melissa’s arrival?
We had taken some awesome, Biblically
based parenting classes and a “what to expect when you’re expecting” class. We
were excited and felt fairly confident going in. Then, she came. We were
fooled! We did have an awesome support system, though. My due date was August 4th,
and my birthday is August 14th. At 4:00 in the morning on my
birthday, I started labor and was in labor all day on my birthday. I thought,
“Out of all 365 days, she’s going to come on my birthday.” After 26 hours of
labor, she came on the 15th because naturally she wanted her own
day. She was the best birthday gift ever!
Describe your adjustment to motherhood.
My adjustment to motherhood was
difficult. I experienced some nasty post-partum depression. It’s a real thing!
My hormones were so wacky and messed up; that combined with Melissa’s nearly
constant ear infections the first year and a half brought a lack of sleep and
lots of stress. I had to work hard during this season to capture every thought captive to
the obedience of Christ (2Cor. 10:5). I would have lots of negative
thoughts due to the depression. A thought would enter my mind, and I had the
choice to indulge it and ponder it or kick it out of my mind immediately. I had
to really work on this and practice this every day. I had to be intentional and
in the Word to help push the negative thoughts out my head and focus on Jesus.
I spent a lot of time singing worship songs and hymns, which was helpful. There
were some dark days during that time.
Did having a baby affect your marriage? If so, in what ways?
Having Melissa did affect our marriage.
It has to, right? All of a sudden, I had this new calling, and I felt great joy
in my calling. I was in absolutely in love with my baby girl! It was easy to
focus all my energy on her and accidently neglect my husband. Scripture is
clear that the husband/wife relationship is a covenant, and it takes precedence
over the parent/child relationship. I found myself wanting to pour everything
into this little bundle of joy that needed me. God reminded me during this time
that the best gift we could give Melissa is a solid, Gospel-centered marriage.
I was convicted that I wasn’t nurturing my husband the way I should and desired
to give myself back to him. This required pulling off my mommy hat some days,
getting on my knees, and digging around under the bed for my wife hat, dusting
it off, and putting it back on. When I made that a priority, it meant so much
to Gary!
Baby Blessing 2
How old was Melissa when you found out you were pregnant with
Morgan?
Melissa was 3 and a half.
What emotions did you experience during your second pregnancy?
We tried to get pregnant for a year
before finding out we were expecting Morgan. We were overjoyed! Because I had a
3-year old, I had little time to indulge my emotions as I attempted to just get
through the day. I was exhausted all the time. Melissa got tubes at 18 months
for her ear infections, so the first 18 months of her life I got very little
sleep. We had time to rest before having Morgan, which proved to be a sweet
time of refreshment from the Lord.
Describe your adjustment to life with two little ones.
It took longer to get out the door! I
adjusted my schedule around naptimes and feedings. I was big on protecting
naptime and made it a priority at our house. I would run errands either in the
morning before naptime or in the afternoon after naptime. Morgan was such a joy
from day one. He was easy, compliant, and fun. It was really fun to have him in
our house. He and Melissa were great together. They shared a bedroom. We had a
rule that they were not allowed to come out of their room until 7:00am, so if
Morgan would wake up before 7:00, Melissa would climb into his crib and keep
him company until I came to get them. She was very sweet with him.
Did having a second baby affect your marriage?
God taught us so much with Melissa
(growing pains and adjustments) that Gary and I knew better what to expect when
Morgan came along. Things were easier the second time around. He brought a lot
of joy to our marriage and our family.
I remember you talking during one of the Titus 2 studies about
training weaknesses in your kids to turn those into strengths for God’s glory.
Can you share some concrete examples of this?
God has uniquely gifted each of our kids.
These gifts often appear to be weaknesses when our kids are young, but God has
designed them to be used for His kingdom and glory as they mature. I was
surprised to find that those same weaknesses that drove me crazy when they were
young, were actually useful gifts that God was maturing in them. Instead of
getting frustrated by these “weaknesses”, I needed to help them learn and work
through these gifts.
When Morgan was young he got his feelings
hurt- a lot. He often cried if he felt someone had wronged him. As he grew, I
worked to redirect his sensitive heart to be others-focused rather than
self-focused. I remember having a conversation with him when he was 12 or 13
years old. I said, “God has created you with a big personality. You are
outgoing and funny. You are basically your own party! You can easily walk into
any room and be the center of attention, saying, ‘Here I am. Look at me!’ OR
you can walk into a room and look for insecure or hurting people, and say ‘Here
you are. Let’s look at you. You matter.’” Work to turn sensitivity away
from self and towards others. God gifted Morgan with a sensitive, compassionate
heart, and He was faithfully maturing that gift in him to use it one day to
love, encourage, and influence many folks for Christ.
Melissa was not overly sensitive as a
child. She was at times a tough cookie. In her youth, I saw that as a weakness.
She told it like it was, and I often encouraged her to be more sensitive with
her words. But now that she is a mom of a special-needs child, I can see that
God gifted her with a strong countenance because He knew that she was going to
need it one day. Someone with a sensitive heart would really struggle with
finding your baby blue during a seizure and having to revive her. Melissa is
amazing in these situations! I am totally freaking out in the corner, begging
God to let her breathe, but my girl is as cool as a cucumber, administering rescue
breaths to her own child. I can’t even imagine! God gave her that sweet gift. She
now uses her strong countenance to bless other families as she goes into
hospital rooms where babies are stillborn or have passed away after birth. She
takes beautiful photos of these precious little ones that their grieving families
will treasure forever.
Look at your children and study their
apparent weaknesses. Then ask yourself, “Can this be God’s gifting that just
needs time to mature?” As a mom, redirect it and help mature it to be a useful
gift, fit for the Kingdom of God.
Another aspect that stuck out to me during the Titus 2 study was
the concept of first time obedience. Can you expound on this (why is it
important) and provide examples of how to achieve it?
In 1 Samuel 3, we see an example of first
time obedience. Samuel is living with Eli, and he hears the Lord call him while
he is lying down. He immediately goes to Eli and says, “Here I am.” The second
time, he immediately gets up, too. I love that example of first time obedience
from Samuel. He goes to the man raising him and says, “Here I am. What do you
need?”
First time obedience is important for two
reasons. It may save your child’s life one day. I remember hearing the story of
a missionary and his family who lived in the jungle. One day, the father took
his young son on a walk in the jungle. Like many small boys who love to
explore, his son ran up ahead of him. The dad suddenly yelled to him to sit
down quickly. The son immediately listened because he had been trained in first
time obedience. The boy had failed to notice the large snake that was making
its way down the tree directly above him. By immediately obeying his father and
sitting down, his dad had time to get to the boy before the snake could, and
the boy was not injured.
Another more common example might be
playing outside in the front yard with your child. What if your sweet child accidentally knocks
the ball into the street and you can see a car coming? If you call to him will
your child obey immediately? If he has
not been trained in first time obedience he may get hit by a car. First time
obedience is important for physical safety, and there are times our children
need to immediately obey without asking why.
There’s also a spiritual principle for
first time obedience. When our children are trained to listen for and respond
to their earthly father’s (and mother’s) voice the first time, it becomes much
easier to transition them, as they mature, to listen for and respond to their
Heavenly Father’s voice the first time. Gary and I longed for our kids to be
quick to hear and respond in obedience to their Heavenly Father. We tried to
model it for them by us being quick to hear and obey God. Of course, we failed at times, just like they
will. There is to be much grace that accompanies first time obedience.
Here is a practical example. Please know
that what we did is not exhaustive or the only way to parent Biblically. We
certainly don’t have the corner on the market of first time obedience, but I
will share with you how we tried to train our children in this principle.
If we were going to go out somewhere, I would tell them where we were going, clearly and lovingly communicate my expectations for their behavior, and remind them of the important principle of blessing and consequences. For example, if we were going to Chick-fil-A, I might say, “If you choose to obey mommy the first time by sitting and eating your food, then you will have the blessing of playing in the play area after lunch. If you choose to disobey and get up from the table or walk around the store to eat, there will be a negative consequence. We will have to go home, and you won’t get to play. Please make a wise choice.” Then I had to be sure to follow through! We want to train our children to obey us the first time, but we also want to teach them how to make a wise choice and allow them to make their own decisions, whenever appropriate. My kids knew the expectations and consequences ahead of time, and it was up to them to choose to obey the first time or not. I remember saying while hugging my child, “I am so sorry you chose to disobey. Now we have to leave. I love you so much, and I really wanted you to be able to enjoy playing in the play area. I hope that next time you will make a wise choice.” We would tell them ahead of time what we expected and remind them of the principle of making a wise choice which leads to blessing versus a foolish choice that leads to consequences. This Biblical principle is found all over the book of Proverbs.
Sometimes a negative consequence would be
a spanking. (Everyone has different views on spanking. Gary and I chose to spank for acts and
attitudes of rebellion only, rooted in the principle taught in Proverbs 13:24).
Other negative consequences were logical consequences, like having to leave the
restaurant without getting to play.
Additional Advice and Encouragement
When did the Reynolds family make the move from California to
South Carolina? Why did you move? How did the move affect your marriage and
family?
We moved to South Carolina in July 2006
because Gary’s company was moving and we relocated with the company. We both
felt strongly this was where the Lord was leading. We packed our kids, our
stuff, and the two dogs and drove across the country. Melissa had just
graduated from high school and had been accepted to her number one college
choice, so she wasn’t excited about moving. Morgan had just finished middle
school and was up for a new adventure. I remember Melissa not wanting to come. Gary
and I prayed hard about it, and we finally said, “Will you give it one year? If
after one year, you hate it, we will find someone you can stay with so you can
go to college in California.” She came back to us later and said, “I don’t see
God’s hand in this move, but I trust that you do, so I will go for a year.” The
first week we lived here, we visited Lakeshore Christian Fellowship where
Melissa and Morgan met a young Cameron Keith. He asked for their cell numbers
and immediately they were part of the gang. They got plugged in right away. God
was so faithful in that first year. Melissa and Morgan both set down some roots,
and Melissa decided not to move back to CA for college. (Mom and dad finally
exhaled.) The move didn’t really affect our marriage because we both felt God
leading us.
How has your mothering changed over the years?
During the formative years, I felt like I was on the field, training my kids
daily in good habits and Biblical obedience. I left my blood, sweat, and tears
on that field at the end of the day. I am reminded of a couple of my favorite
Charlotte Mason quotes, “The habits of the child produce the
character of the man,” and “The mother who takes pains to endow her children with good habits secures for
herself smooth and easy days.” This carries the idea of mom doing the hard work of
laying down the train tracks (good habits) for your children (usually ages
0-10). It takes a lot of strength, many years of consistent work, and
occasionally feeling like a failure (anyone?), BUT once it is built the train
will run smoothly over the tracks for years to come. It is an initial
investment with a huge payback! If we as moms are not intentional about laying
down the tracks, it can cause our kiddos confusion and us years of
exasperation.
As they grew into teenagers, I became more of a coach on the sidelines. I moved back
and watched them make choices based on the training they received during the
formative years. I tried to give them the freedom to fail in a safe and secure
environment so they could not only learn to fail correctly, but also how/what to
learn from it. I was there to give encouragement and listen carefully to their
hearts. If I felt they were going the wrong direction and I needed to step in,
I would call a foul on the play and redirect them.
As adults,
we have moved into being friends. The parenting looks different. I am just
support staff. I’m not even coaching. Now that they are both married, they have
their own new teams. They know we are here for them and they can come to us for
advice whenever they need it. I try to offer lots of encouragement,
affirmation, and practical help (from painting to babysitting).
I once heard Elisabeth Elliott speak at a
conference. She shared that she and her
7 siblings were all in full time ministry. She credits that to their family
breakfasts each morning. Her dad would go around the table and pray aloud over
each child. He prayed character qualities over each that he wanted to see God
grow in them. For Gary and me, praying over our kids was important so they knew
what character traits we wanted to see God grow in them. I am still praying for
them and will continue until I can’t anymore. I pray Scripture over them as I
believe there is power in praying God’s words rather than my own. Sometimes I
text them Scriptural encouragement, or just a short note that I love them and
am praying for them today. Matt Chandler says that only God can change a
child’s heart. Our job as parents is to lay down great kindling and trust God
to light the fire in their hearts. Even now that my kids are adults walking with
the Lord, I continue to put down “prayer kindling”.
What aspect of motherhood has been the most surprising?
I have been surprised by the immensity of
God’s grace and mercy in our children’s lives despite all the times I failed as
a mom, which was a lot. They’re both great, doing well, love Jesus, and I am
proud of them. I am so thankful to the Lord for showing up in their lives
despite my tears, frustration, and feelings of inadequacy. I have also been
surprised by how quickly my kids were to forgive me when I failed them. They
still are quick to forgive. I would go to them and apologize when I failed
them, admit I sinned, and ask for their forgiveness. They were always so quick
to forgive and hug it out. God used them to be an example to me.
What has been your greatest joy in motherhood?
Now that they are grown and I am an empty
nester, it brings me so much joy to see them step into the roles God designed
for them before they were born. Seeing them use the gifts and talents that God
gave them to influence their circles for Christ is amazing!
What are the most important lessons you have learned as a
mother?
Motherhood is a marathon, not a sprint.
It isn’t for the faint of heart. God has used motherhood in my life to humble
and sanctify me, cause me to cling to Him and be on my knees before him, and to
bring me great joy. I was after their hearts for Jesus Christ. When I saw my
child making a decision that wasn’t Christ-like, I chose to prioritize the
relationship over that individual choice because I wanted to be able to speak
into their lives when the window of their heart opened because that is what
Jesus does for me.
How has God used your children to change your heart? Describe
how He has changed you and is changing you.
Early on as a mom, I was a control freak.
This is part of my personality. I think I have great ideas and everyone should just
relax and follow me! LOL! In the preschool years, I tried to control their
outward behavior so that it would reflect well on me- which is pride. (This is
a terrible way to teach first time obedience, by the way.) God graciously used
my children to reveal my heart of pride. Over time, the Lord graciously
convicted me that I lacked grace in my parenting. I needed to balance first
time obedience with grace. I confessed my control issues, with pride as the
root. I confessed my sin to the Lord, Gary, and my kids, and they were quick to
forgive. I asked the Lord to teach me how to pursue Biblical parenting and
balance loving and consistent training with lots of grace, forgiveness, and
hugs. As I began to implement this, my relationship with my kids flourished. I
still sinned against them at times, but I always went back and confessed, and
we grew together. I desired perfectly behaved children, and that was pride.
They have pointed me to the Gospel in their quick forgiveness of me. I can’t be
on my motherhood mission without the Gospel. I didn’t have it in me to do it
well; I needed the Spirit to lead me and direct me.
What did you and Gary do to invest spiritually into the lives of
your children?
We gave them a combination of
opportunities for them to meet and see Jesus, ranging from the Awana program at
church, to Sunday School, to Christian School, to Home School, to short-term
mission trips.
We gave them the freedom to fail, as we
offered forgiveness, grace, and compassion without gloating about their
failure.
We prayed for them consistently.
We often sang worship songs and prayed with them before bed.
We prayed for them consistently.
We often sang worship songs and prayed with them before bed.
We sought to practice “interdependency”
in our family. We were not four individuals, each doing his/her own thing in
the family. We were four members of one
family that worked together for the good and growth of our family, and towards
a common goal. We let our children know they were respected as members of the
family and we, as their parents, cared about their contributions to the family.
We did not live independently of one another but rather interdependently. This
is how Christ’s Church is designed.
We worked to create a
strong family identity. We taught our kids that we are Reynolds.
Reynolds don’t tell people they are dumb. When someone hurts our feelings,
Reynolds respond in kindness, etc…
We prayed over them and out loud the
qualities we wanted God to develop in them.
We made efforts to model the Gospel
before them in real life situations. When we failed, we talked about it and how
Jesus forgives us.
We confessed our sin (usually of losing
our temper with them) toward them and asked them for forgiveness to demonstrate
respect as a fellow member of the family and to point us all to the Gospel.
We listened to them. When they were ready
to open up and share the hidden places of their hearts, we were ready to
listen. (Observe when your child typically opens up the window of his/her heart
to you, then be ready to really listen. One of my child’s times was always
after midnight!)
We memorized Scripture together, sometimes in the form of a song.
We guided them to discover their passions and gifts and taught them how to use those to love others well.
We sought to parent from Biblical principles, not rules. They knew that if they chose to ignore the Biblical principles, they forced us to set rules. We taught our children Biblical principles and led them in those and modeled them so we didn’t have to set as many rules.
I sought out mentoring relationships with older, Godly mothers whom I respected.
I prayed Scripture for them because there is power released when I pray God’s words over them instead of own.
I sought to be honest and transparent before them about my own spiritual shortcomings and how much I needed Jesus to be a good mom.
We became students of our children, and strived to parent them according to their own bents.
We sought to capture their hearts for Christ, not just behavioral modification. In The Mission of Motherhood, Sally Clarkson wrote, “I don’t just want my kids to be moral. I don’t just want them to know all the Biblical rules for behavior. I don’t just want them to make it through my home with good grades, no drug addiction, and no premarital sex. I want them to leave my home with a hunger and passion to know God personally and to be used by Him to accomplish great things for His Kingdom. I want them to personally hear God’s voice and have His Sprit’s gentle touch and impression on their hearts as they read the Scriptures and struggle with the issues of their lives.” This was always the goal.
We memorized Scripture together, sometimes in the form of a song.
We guided them to discover their passions and gifts and taught them how to use those to love others well.
We sought to parent from Biblical principles, not rules. They knew that if they chose to ignore the Biblical principles, they forced us to set rules. We taught our children Biblical principles and led them in those and modeled them so we didn’t have to set as many rules.
I sought out mentoring relationships with older, Godly mothers whom I respected.
I prayed Scripture for them because there is power released when I pray God’s words over them instead of own.
I sought to be honest and transparent before them about my own spiritual shortcomings and how much I needed Jesus to be a good mom.
We became students of our children, and strived to parent them according to their own bents.
We sought to capture their hearts for Christ, not just behavioral modification. In The Mission of Motherhood, Sally Clarkson wrote, “I don’t just want my kids to be moral. I don’t just want them to know all the Biblical rules for behavior. I don’t just want them to make it through my home with good grades, no drug addiction, and no premarital sex. I want them to leave my home with a hunger and passion to know God personally and to be used by Him to accomplish great things for His Kingdom. I want them to personally hear God’s voice and have His Sprit’s gentle touch and impression on their hearts as they read the Scriptures and struggle with the issues of their lives.” This was always the goal.
What advice would you give to new moms?
I would ask new moms to look at the big
picture. Until your child is about 5 years old, the training in good habits and
Christian character is heavy. This is an important, yet exhausting season. Ask
yourself why you are parenting the way you are. Look at the big picture. It
will definitely be easier to let things go when you have multiple young
children than to be consistent. But if you have a big picture view, you realize
you are doing the hard work of laying down train tracks now. Once those good
habits are learned and practiced, your children’s trains will glide smoothly
across the tracks for years to come, offering mom much less stress. What you do
during the first 5 years builds good character, and it’s the foundation for
when your children are teenagers. If your 3 year old talks back and you let it
go consistently, this bad habit will come out during the teenage years, only
much worse. You’re able to turn weaknesses into strengths and guide your
children in this when you are looking at the big picture. Remind yourself of
all that God is going to do in their lives (Phil. 1:6). These are HIS children.
We are called to steward them well for HIS glory. Let your character building
be done in a grace-filled home in a way that is Gospel-centered and
characterized by Biblical humility.
Lastly, I know there is a lot of controversy surrounding spanking and there are strong views either way. We did implement spanking as ONE form of discipline in our home, but it wasn’t the only discipline we used. The goal of spanking was always loving correction. Gary and I decided to spank for acts and attitudes of rebellion only. If our children did something childish or foolish but not rebellious, we would not spank. I remember when Morgan was young, and he was playing with his hockey puck and stick in the house. He hit the puck, and it went through our window. I never told him not to hit his puck in the house, so he wasn’t rebelling. This was just an example of childishness as he didn’t think through what would happen. He didn’t get a spanking because he wasn’t disobeying, but he did have a consequence. He had to save up his allowance and help us repair the window. We like to call this form of discipline “logical consequences”.
How has your marriage changed over the years?
I would say, for me, I have been able to
quit looking at Gary to be my god as I have grown and matured. Early in our
marriage, I expected him to fulfill my every need, and he couldn’t because he
isn’t God. I learned about unfulfilled and unmet expectations. These are big
killers of marriages, and the enemy knows this. I had many unfulfilled
expectations early on that always seemed to lead to an argument. As I grew in
Christ, I learned to release Gary from those expectations and lay things down
on the altar of sacrifice. I learned to trust Christ to work in my life by
either fulfilling or changing my expectations. I am not owed for all my
expectations to be met. One piece of life-changing advice a Godly older woman
once gave me was, “Turn your eyeballs around.” I had to quit looking at what (I
thought) Gary wasn’t doing for me. Instead, I needed to look at what I wasn’t
doing and the areas where I was failing. I asked God to lead me as I saw the
ways I wasn’t loving Gary as I needed to. Practicing Biblical humility is the
basis for this. (Phil. 2)
How did you and Gary protect and grow your marriage in the midst
of raising your children?
We firmly believed the best gift we could
give our kids was a solid, Biblical marriage that reflected the Gospel, so we
worked to protect our marriage and keep it a priority. We got away for the
weekend 2 or 3 times a year. We also tried our best to have date nights. When
Gary got home from work every day, we would take 5 to 10 minutes to sit on the
couch together and just talk. We called
it “couch time”. The kids needed to play
quietly during this time and not interrupt us. We told them that when we were
done, daddy would play with them. Our kids needed to understand that our
marriage relationship is a covenant relationship with God, so it was a priority
over the parent and child relationship. Whenever we would be affectionate, they
would pretend to hate it, but I know they loved it.
What are some practical ways to cultivate a marriage that brings
God glory when a husband and wife have to dedicate exponential amounts of time
and energy to their children?
I have two words for you: babysitting
co-op. Make your marriage a priority by taking advantage of a babysitting
co-op. We did this when our kids were young with other couples at our church.
We jumped on the bandwagon and got involved in it. We loved it! There were
about 15 like-minded moms, and we took turns being the secretary each month. We
had a book where we tracked points, and you would call up other moms to use
your points for date nights. It didn’t cost us anything to do this, and we had
reciprocating benefits. All the parents and kids became good friends.
Lastly, some people say marriage is
50/50. Others say that it is 100/100. (If each spouse gives 100% to one another,
both will be taken care of.) We chose to operate on the 100/0 principle. There
are times in marriage when you may not be able to give anything, but your
spouse will still need to give 100% and vice versa. Maybe your husband is
working on a deadline and is unable to do his chores around the house. I am
called to take over his chores temporarily without complaint. Rather than
getting bitter, I am still called to give 100% when he cannot. Why? We are
called to give to one another just like Jesus gives. We don’t love expecting
the other to give anything in return, and we remember that love doesn’t keep a
record of our wrongs. (I Cor. 13) Of course, we both fail in this at times, but
it is the desire of our hearts.
What does it look like for you to abide in Christ during this
time in your life?
I am an empty nester, and as such I have
more time with God to read the Word, practice His presence, and listen for His
voice throughout the day. Things are not as hectic as they were when our kids
were little. The Lord is teaching me about Sabbath rest. I don’t mean just
resting in a human way but taking time to rest intentionally with Him. I don’t
have it down yet, but I am excited for Him to lead me in this.
Is there any other advice or encouragement you would offer to
moms with kids who are still in the home?
This advice came from me observing an
older godly mom I knew in California. She showed me that it is okay to say,
“No” or “Not right now.” Don’t feel like you have to say yes to every ministry
you are asked to do. In this season, your primary ministry before God is to
nurture your husband and nurture and train your children. Take advantage of the
teachable moments, and model Spirit-filled parenting. This takes time and
intentionality. When we are busy going from one ministry to another, it’s easy
to miss these moments. I strongly recommend finding a “Titus 2 older woman” and
maybe even a younger woman. Establish relationships with them and ask if you
can meet together to share Gospel encouragement with one another. Pray
together. Mentor and be mentored. Say yes to the best thing, not everything,
for the glory of God.
Recommended Books
Shepherding
a Child’s Heart
by Tedd Tripp
The
Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness
by Tim Keller
Sacred
Marriage by Gary Thomas
Praying
God’s Will for My Son
by Lee Roberts
Proverbs
for Parenting: A Topical Guide for Child Raising from the Book of Proverbs by Barbara Decker
The
Mission of Motherhood
by Sally Clarkson
The
Ministry of Motherhood
by Sally Clarkson
Seasons
of a Mother’s Heart by
Sally Clarkson
Thank
you, Cheryl, for opening up and allowing me and others the opportunity to hear
your heart. As a wife and mother to three little ones, I was encouraged and
challenged to continually depend on Christ in my marriage and motherhood. May
God continue to be glorified as you sacrifice moment by moment to point your
adult children along with their spouses and children to everlasting joy in
Jesus.