Cultivating a Marriage beyond Children: An Interview with Cheryl Reynolds

Cultivating a Marriage beyond Children: An Interview with Cheryl Reynolds

The past nine years have been so good for my soul as a friendship with Cheryl was established and has grown. Cheryl has been a wealth of wisdom for all aspects of life, offering encouragement and support during each new stage of my journey.

Since becoming a mom, I have thought and heard numerous moms say something to the effect of, “So much energy is directed towards our kids. Our marriage doesn’t always get the time it should. I hope that we have something of substance after the kids have moved out of the house.”

Gary and Cheryl have a marriage worthy of emulation, but there is intentionality and hard work they have put into cultivating their marriage. Cheryl kindly agreed to sit down with me and give me the opportunity to glean as much information as possible about nurturing the marriage relationship in such a way that after the kids have moved out, there is still a bond and intimacy that have been strengthened during the trials and triumphs.

Background

How did you and Gary meet?

We met singing together in a college age group at church. We traveled to different area churches and events to sing. Gary and I shared a microphone. I was dating someone else at first, and we were friends for a year. One day after I had broken up with my boyfriend, Gary and I were singing onstage. I looked over at him and thought, “He’s kind of cute.” I began to see him differently. Eventually we started dating, but I made the first move.

When did you and Gary get married? How old were you when you got married? How old was Gary?

Our first date was June 6, 1983. We got engaged on October 23, 1983.  Our wedding day was May 19, 1984. I was almost 21, and Gary was 25 when we got married.

Describe life as newlyweds. What surprised you the most about marriage?

We loved life as newlyweds most of the time. We lived in a one bedroom apartment in a complex that was filled with young couples from church. It was like a college Christian dorm, and we had so much fun. We had great friends there, and we always saw people we knew. Gary was a young engineer, working his way up, and he worked a lot of hours. I worked at a local bank. One of my favorite memories from this time in our lives was eating dinner at our card table. We didn’t have a dining room table. We only had a card table with 2 folding chairs. The card table was so wobbly we had to cut our meat in unison. That is still such a sweet memory for me!

I was most surprised by the things we brought into our marriage from our past. We brought with us different experiences, family cultures, and expectations. Gary brought a suitcase of his past experiences, and I brought probably a much larger suitcase of my own.  We had to work through those things together for God’s glory. There were serious things we had to work through, but a silly example took place in the days before free soda refills. We went out to dinner, which was rare because we were poor. I wanted a refill (which for all you millennials means we had to pay for 2 sodas).  Gary said no as we couldn’t afford it. I was upset and told him, “My dad always bought me two sodas!”

Can you share one example of a mountain and a valley from your marriage? How did you see God work in those times?

An example of a mountain in our marriage was our 20^th anniversary trip to Hawaii. We went to Hawaii for our honeymoon, and Gary promised me then that we would come back for our 20^th anniversary. When our anniversary arrived, we didn’t have the money for the trip. Gary was so convicted to keep his word that he prayed for the Lord to provide the money. He booked our trip on faith, trusting that God would provide.  Later that week we received in the mail a reimbursement check from our insurance company. It was the exact amount we needed for the tickets.  A trip to Hawaii is definitely NOT a need, but seeing God’s loving provision was truly amazing!  He honored Gary’s desire to honor me and keep his word.

An example of a valley was when we were trying to sell our home in California during the housing crisis of 2008. The market had all but collapsed in CA.  After moving here, our home was on the market for a very long time. We wanted to honor God and honor our commitments, but humanly speaking it was very discouraging. We were paying for college tuition for 2 kids, as well as 2 house payments every month.  During this time, God was teaching us the principle of tithing and first fruits. It would be easy to justify not tithing so we could allocate more towards our financial responsibilities. We were reading in Malachi 3:6-12. The Lord put this on our hearts. In what we saw as a time of financial desperation, the Lord led us to these verses to show us that we should not rob God of His first fruits. It’s one of the only times, if not the only time, in Scripture where God invites us to test Him.  We needed to give God our first fruits and then trust Him to open the storehouses and provide for our financial needs. We saw that He is faithful, and we CAN trust Him, even when it doesn’t make sense on paper. Everything we have is His, and we are just called to steward it well for His glory. The Lord faithfully and lovingly used the 2008 mortgage crisis to humble us, make us more compassionate towards others experiencing financial difficulties, and teach us how to joyfully give our first fruits, trusting Him to provide for our needs. HE IS ABLE!

“For I the LORD do not change; therefore you, O children of Jacob, are not consumed. From the days of your father, you have turned aside from my statutes and have not kept them. Return to me, and I will return to you, says the LORD of hosts. But you say, ‘How shall we return?’ Will man rob God? Yet you are robbing me. But you say, ‘How have we robbed you?’ In your tithes and contributions. You are cursed with a curse, for you are robbing me, the whole nation of you. Bring the full tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. And thereby put me to the test, says the LORD of hosts, if I will not open the windows of heaven for you and pour down for you a blessing until there is no more need. I will rebuke the devourer for you, so that it will not destroy the fruits of your soil, and your vine in the field shall not fail to bear, says the LORD of hosts. Then all nations will call you blessed, for you will be a land of delight, says the LORD of hosts.” Malachi 3:6-12

Why do you and Gary persevere in your marriage?

There’s a great quote in a book called Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas that says, “What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?” Say whaaat? Our marriage isn’t primarily for our happiness but for our holiness. God uses our marriage to sanctify us and make us less selfish. It’s the place where our ugly sin stares back at us in the bathroom mirror. As Gary and I are maturing in Christ, we are beginning to learn this principle. We are learning that we can’t do it in our own strength.  We must be filled with the Spirit, filled with grace and forgiveness, working to confess and kill our sin.  Marriage is a reflection of Christ and His Church.  We desperately want our family, friends, co-workers, and the world to see the Gospel of Christ in and through our marriage. This is why we persevere. And guess what? The more I pursue holiness, the happier I am in our marriage!

How do you and Gary guard against bitterness towards one another?

“Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender hearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:29-32

Corrupting talk DOES come out of my mouth at times. I hate it. If I feel disappointment or bitterness towards Gary, it is usually because I feel I have been wronged or he has failed to meet my expectation in some way.

 Unmet expectations focus on self, breed bitterness, and can kill marriages!

Instead God gently calls me to lay down my unmet expectations on the altar of sacrifice and practice Biblical humility in putting Gary’s needs before mine. I am reminded of Tim Keller’s quote in The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness that says, “The essence of Gospel- humility is not thinking more of myself or less of myself.  It is thinking of myself less.” (Philippians 2:3)

This has taken years, and I am still working on it because it’s a process. I am learning that Gary makes a terrible god. It’s a lot of pressure to put on him to meet all my expectations and needs; only God can do this. God has also shown me something remarkable! When I lay my unmet expectations on the altar of sacrifice before God, it is a sweet aroma to Him. In my experience, either He meets that expectation or need in my life OR He changes my heart about it.

Baby Blessing 1

How long were you married before finding out you were pregnant with Melissa?

We were married for 4 years.

What thoughts and reactions did you experience prior to Melissa’s arrival?

We had taken some awesome, Biblically based parenting classes and a “what to expect when you’re expecting” class. We were excited and felt fairly confident going in. Then, she came. We were fooled! We did have an awesome support system, though. My due date was August 4^th, and my birthday is August 14^th. At 4:00 in the morning on my birthday, I started labor and was in labor all day on my birthday. I thought, “Out of all 365 days, she’s going to come on my birthday.” After 26 hours of labor, she came on the 15^th because naturally she wanted her own day. She was the best birthday gift ever!

Describe your adjustment to motherhood.

My adjustment to motherhood was difficult. I experienced some nasty post-partum depression. It’s a real thing! My hormones were so wacky and messed up; that combined with Melissa’s nearly constant ear infections the first year and a half brought a lack of sleep and lots of stress. I had to work hard during this season to capture every thought captive to the obedience of Christ (2Cor. 10:5). I would have lots of negative thoughts due to the depression. A thought would enter my mind, and I had the choice to indulge it and ponder it or kick it out of my mind immediately. I had to really work on this and practice this every day. I had to be intentional and in the Word to help push the negative thoughts out my head and focus on Jesus. I spent a lot of time singing worship songs and hymns, which was helpful. There were some dark days during that time.

Did having a baby affect your marriage? If so, in what ways?

Having Melissa did affect our marriage. It has to, right? All of a sudden, I had this new calling, and I felt great joy in my calling. I was in absolutely in love with my baby girl! It was easy to focus all my energy on her and accidently neglect my husband. Scripture is clear that the husband/wife relationship is a covenant, and it takes precedence over the parent/child relationship. I found myself wanting to pour everything into this little bundle of joy that needed me. God reminded me during this time that the best gift we could give Melissa is a solid, Gospel-centered marriage. I was convicted that I wasn’t nurturing my husband the way I should and desired to give myself back to him. This required pulling off my mommy hat some days, getting on my knees, and digging around under the bed for my wife hat, dusting it off, and putting it back on. When I made that a priority, it meant so much to Gary!

Baby Blessing 2

How old was Melissa when you found out you were pregnant with Morgan?

Melissa was 3 and a half.

What emotions did you experience during your second pregnancy?

We tried to get pregnant for a year before finding out we were expecting Morgan. We were overjoyed! Because I had a 3-year old, I had little time to indulge my emotions as I attempted to just get through the day. I was exhausted all the time. Melissa got tubes at 18 months for her ear infections, so the first 18 months of her life I got very little sleep. We had time to rest before having Morgan, which proved to be a sweet time of refreshment from the Lord.

Describe your adjustment to life with two little ones.

It took longer to get out the door! I adjusted my schedule around naptimes and feedings. I was big on protecting naptime and made it a priority at our house. I would run errands either in the morning before naptime or in the afternoon after naptime. Morgan was such a joy from day one. He was easy, compliant, and fun. It was really fun to have him in our house. He and Melissa were great together. They shared a bedroom. We had a rule that they were not allowed to come out of their room until 7:00am, so if Morgan would wake up before 7:00, Melissa would climb into his crib and keep him company until I came to get them. She was very sweet with him.

Did having a second baby affect your marriage?

God taught us so much with Melissa (growing pains and adjustments) that Gary and I knew better what to expect when Morgan came along. Things were easier the second time around. He brought a lot of joy to our marriage and our family.

I remember you talking during one of the Titus 2 studies about training weaknesses in your kids to turn those into strengths for God’s glory. Can you share some concrete examples of this?

God has uniquely gifted each of our kids. These gifts often appear to be weaknesses when our kids are young, but God has designed them to be used for His kingdom and glory as they mature. I was surprised to find that those same weaknesses that drove me crazy when they were young, were actually useful gifts that God was maturing in them. Instead of getting frustrated by these “weaknesses”, I needed to help them learn and work through these gifts. 

 When Morgan was young he got his feelings hurt- a lot. He often cried if he felt someone had wronged him. As he grew, I worked to redirect his sensitive heart to be others-focused rather than self-focused. I remember having a conversation with him when he was 12 or 13 years old. I said, “God has created you with a big personality. You are outgoing and funny. You are basically your own party! You can easily walk into any room and be the center of attention, saying, ‘Here I am. Look at me!’ OR you can walk into a room and look for insecure or hurting people, and say ‘Here you are. Let’s look at you. You matter.’” Work to turn sensitivity away from self and towards others. God gifted Morgan with a sensitive, compassionate heart, and He was faithfully maturing that gift in him to use it one day to love, encourage, and influence many folks for Christ.  

Melissa was not overly sensitive as a child. She was at times a tough cookie. In her youth, I saw that as a weakness. She told it like it was, and I often encouraged her to be more sensitive with her words. But now that she is a mom of a special-needs child, I can see that God gifted her with a strong countenance because He knew that she was going to need it one day. Someone with a sensitive heart would really struggle with finding your baby blue during a seizure and having to revive her. Melissa is amazing in these situations! I am totally freaking out in the corner, begging God to let her breathe, but my girl is as cool as a cucumber, administering rescue breaths to her own child. I can’t even imagine! God gave her that sweet gift. She now uses her strong countenance to bless other families as she goes into hospital rooms where babies are stillborn or have passed away after birth. She takes beautiful photos of these precious little ones that their grieving families will treasure forever.

Look at your children and study their apparent weaknesses. Then ask yourself, “Can this be God’s gifting that just needs time to mature?” As a mom, redirect it and help mature it to be a useful gift, fit for the Kingdom of God.

Another aspect that stuck out to me during the Titus 2 study was the concept of first time obedience. Can you expound on this (why is it important) and provide examples of how to achieve it?

In 1 Samuel 3, we see an example of first time obedience. Samuel is living with Eli, and he hears the Lord call him while he is lying down. He immediately goes to Eli and says, “Here I am.” The second time, he immediately gets up, too. I love that example of first time obedience from Samuel. He goes to the man raising him and says, “Here I am. What do you need?”

First time obedience is important for two reasons. It may save your child’s life one day. I remember hearing the story of a missionary and his family who lived in the jungle. One day, the father took his young son on a walk in the jungle. Like many small boys who love to explore, his son ran up ahead of him. The dad suddenly yelled to him to sit down quickly. The son immediately listened because he had been trained in first time obedience. The boy had failed to notice the large snake that was making its way down the tree directly above him. By immediately obeying his father and sitting down, his dad had time to get to the boy before the snake could, and the boy was not injured.

Another more common example might be playing outside in the front yard with your child.  What if your sweet child accidentally knocks the ball into the street and you can see a car coming? If you call to him will your child obey immediately?  If he has not been trained in first time obedience he may get hit by a car. First time obedience is important for physical safety, and there are times our children need to immediately obey without asking why.

There’s also a spiritual principle for first time obedience. When our children are trained to listen for and respond to their earthly father’s (and mother’s) voice the first time, it becomes much easier to transition them, as they mature, to listen for and respond to their Heavenly Father’s voice the first time. Gary and I longed for our kids to be quick to hear and respond in obedience to their Heavenly Father. We tried to model it for them by us being quick to hear and obey God.  Of course, we failed at times, just like they will. There is to be much grace that accompanies first time obedience.

Here is a practical example. Please know that what we did is not exhaustive or the only way to parent Biblically. We certainly don’t have the corner on the market of first time obedience, but I will share with you how we tried to train our children in this principle. 

If we were going to go out somewhere, I would tell them where we were going, clearly and lovingly communicate my expectations for their behavior, and remind them of the important principle of blessing and consequences. For example, if we were going to Chick-fil-A, I might say, “If you choose to obey mommy the first time by sitting and eating your food, then you will have the blessing of playing in the play area after lunch. If you choose to disobey and get up from the table or walk around the store to eat, there will be a negative consequence. We will have to go home, and you won’t get to play. Please make a wise choice.” Then I had to be sure to follow through! We want to train our children to obey us the first time, but we also want to teach them how to make a wise choice and allow them to make their own decisions, whenever appropriate. My kids knew the expectations and consequences ahead of time, and it was up to them to choose to obey the first time or not. I remember saying while hugging my child, “I am so sorry you chose to disobey. Now we have to leave. I love you so much, and I really wanted you to be able to enjoy playing in the play area. I hope that next time you will make a wise choice.” We would tell them ahead of time what we expected and remind them of the principle of making a wise choice which leads to blessing versus a foolish choice that leads to consequences. This Biblical principle is found all over the book of Proverbs.

Sometimes a negative consequence would be a spanking. (Everyone has different views on spanking.  Gary and I chose to spank for acts and attitudes of rebellion only, rooted in the principle taught in Proverbs 13:24). Other negative consequences were logical consequences, like having to leave the restaurant without getting to play. 

Additional Advice and Encouragement

When did the Reynolds family make the move from California to South Carolina? Why did you move? How did the move affect your marriage and family?

We moved to South Carolina in July 2006 because Gary’s company was moving and we relocated with the company. We both felt strongly this was where the Lord was leading. We packed our kids, our stuff, and the two dogs and drove across the country. Melissa had just graduated from high school and had been accepted to her number one college choice, so she wasn’t excited about moving. Morgan had just finished middle school and was up for a new adventure. I remember Melissa not wanting to come. Gary and I prayed hard about it, and we finally said, “Will you give it one year? If after one year, you hate it, we will find someone you can stay with so you can go to college in California.” She came back to us later and said, “I don’t see God’s hand in this move, but I trust that you do, so I will go for a year.” The first week we lived here, we visited Lakeshore Christian Fellowship where Melissa and Morgan met a young Cameron Keith. He asked for their cell numbers and immediately they were part of the gang. They got plugged in right away. God was so faithful in that first year. Melissa and Morgan both set down some roots, and Melissa decided not to move back to CA for college. (Mom and dad finally exhaled.) The move didn’t really affect our marriage because we both felt God leading us.

How has your mothering changed over the years?

During the formative years, I felt like I was on the field, training my kids daily in good habits and Biblical obedience. I left my blood, sweat, and tears on that field at the end of the day. I am reminded of a couple of my favorite Charlotte Mason quotes, “The habits of the child produce the character of the man,” and “Th­e mother who takes pains to endow her children with good habits secures for herself smooth and easy days.” This carries the idea of mom doing the hard work of laying down the train tracks (good habits) for your children (usually ages 0-10). It takes a lot of strength, many years of consistent work, and occasionally feeling like a failure (anyone?), BUT once it is built the train will run smoothly over the tracks for years to come. It is an initial investment with a huge payback! If we as moms are not intentional about laying down the tracks, it can cause our kiddos confusion and us years of exasperation.

As they grew into teenagers, I became more of a coach on the sidelines. I moved back and watched them make choices based on the training they received during the formative years. I tried to give them the freedom to fail in a safe and secure environment so they could not only learn to fail correctly, but also how/what to learn from it. I was there to give encouragement and listen carefully to their hearts. If I felt they were going the wrong direction and I needed to step in, I would call a foul on the play and redirect them.

As adults, we have moved into being friends. The parenting looks different. I am just support staff. I’m not even coaching. Now that they are both married, they have their own new teams. They know we are here for them and they can come to us for advice whenever they need it. I try to offer lots of encouragement, affirmation, and practical help (from painting to babysitting). 

I once heard Elisabeth Elliott speak at a conference.  She shared that she and her 7 siblings were all in full time ministry. She credits that to their family breakfasts each morning. Her dad would go around the table and pray aloud over each child. He prayed character qualities over each that he wanted to see God grow in them. For Gary and me, praying over our kids was important so they knew what character traits we wanted to see God grow in them. I am still praying for them and will continue until I can’t anymore. I pray Scripture over them as I believe there is power in praying God’s words rather than my own. Sometimes I text them Scriptural encouragement, or just a short note that I love them and am praying for them today. Matt Chandler says that only God can change a child’s heart. Our job as parents is to lay down great kindling and trust God to light the fire in their hearts. Even now that my kids are adults walking with the Lord, I continue to put down “prayer kindling”.

What aspect of motherhood has been the most surprising?

I have been surprised by the immensity of God’s grace and mercy in our children’s lives despite all the times I failed as a mom, which was a lot. They’re both great, doing well, love Jesus, and I am proud of them. I am so thankful to the Lord for showing up in their lives despite my tears, frustration, and feelings of inadequacy. I have also been surprised by how quickly my kids were to forgive me when I failed them. They still are quick to forgive. I would go to them and apologize when I failed them, admit I sinned, and ask for their forgiveness. They were always so quick to forgive and hug it out. God used them to be an example to me.

What has been your greatest joy in motherhood?

Now that they are grown and I am an empty nester, it brings me so much joy to see them step into the roles God designed for them before they were born. Seeing them use the gifts and talents that God gave them to influence their circles for Christ is amazing!

What are the most important lessons you have learned as a mother?

Motherhood is a marathon, not a sprint. It isn’t for the faint of heart. God has used motherhood in my life to humble and sanctify me, cause me to cling to Him and be on my knees before him, and to bring me great joy. I was after their hearts for Jesus Christ. When I saw my child making a decision that wasn’t Christ-like, I chose to prioritize the relationship over that individual choice because I wanted to be able to speak into their lives when the window of their heart opened because that is what Jesus does for me.

How has God used your children to change your heart? Describe how He has changed you and is changing you.

Early on as a mom, I was a control freak. This is part of my personality. I think I have great ideas and everyone should just relax and follow me! LOL! In the preschool years, I tried to control their outward behavior so that it would reflect well on me- which is pride. (This is a terrible way to teach first time obedience, by the way.) God graciously used my children to reveal my heart of pride. Over time, the Lord graciously convicted me that I lacked grace in my parenting. I needed to balance first time obedience with grace. I confessed my control issues, with pride as the root. I confessed my sin to the Lord, Gary, and my kids, and they were quick to forgive. I asked the Lord to teach me how to pursue Biblical parenting and balance loving and consistent training with lots of grace, forgiveness, and hugs. As I began to implement this, my relationship with my kids flourished. I still sinned against them at times, but I always went back and confessed, and we grew together. I desired perfectly behaved children, and that was pride. They have pointed me to the Gospel in their quick forgiveness of me. I can’t be on my motherhood mission without the Gospel. I didn’t have it in me to do it well; I needed the Spirit to lead me and direct me.

What did you and Gary do to invest spiritually into the lives of your children?

We gave them a combination of opportunities for them to meet and see Jesus, ranging from the Awana program at church, to Sunday School, to Christian School, to Home School, to short-term mission trips.

We gave them the freedom to fail, as we offered forgiveness, grace, and compassion without gloating about their failure.
We prayed for them consistently.
We often sang worship songs and prayed with them before bed.

We sought to practice “interdependency” in our family. We were not four individuals, each doing his/her own thing in the family.  We were four members of one family that worked together for the good and growth of our family, and towards a common goal. We let our children know they were respected as members of the family and we, as their parents, cared about their contributions to the family. We did not live independently of one another but rather interdependently. This is how Christ’s Church is designed.

We worked to create a strong family identity. We taught our kids that we are Reynolds. Reynolds don’t tell people they are dumb. When someone hurts our feelings, Reynolds respond in kindness, etc…

We prayed over them and out loud the qualities we wanted God to develop in them.

We made efforts to model the Gospel before them in real life situations. When we failed, we talked about it and how Jesus forgives us.

We confessed our sin (usually of losing our temper with them) toward them and asked them for forgiveness to demonstrate respect as a fellow member of the family and to point us all to the Gospel.

We listened to them. When they were ready to open up and share the hidden places of their hearts, we were ready to listen. (Observe when your child typically opens up the window of his/her heart to you, then be ready to really listen. One of my child’s times was always after midnight!)
We memorized Scripture together, sometimes in the form of a song.
We guided them to discover their passions and gifts and taught them how to use those to love others well.
We sought to parent from Biblical principles, not rules. They knew that if they chose to ignore the Biblical principles, they forced us to set rules. We taught our children Biblical principles and led them in those and modeled them so we didn’t have to set as many rules.
I sought out mentoring relationships with older, Godly mothers whom I respected.
I prayed Scripture for them because there is power released when I pray God’s words over them instead of own.
I sought to be honest and transparent before them about my own spiritual shortcomings and how much I needed Jesus to be a good mom.
 We became students of our children, and strived to parent them according to their own bents.
We sought to capture their hearts for Christ, not just behavioral modification. In The Mission of Motherhood, Sally Clarkson wrote, “I don’t just want my kids to be moral. I don’t just want them to know all the Biblical rules for behavior. I don’t just want them to make it through my home with good grades, no drug addiction, and no premarital sex. I want them to leave my home with a hunger and passion to know God personally and to be used by Him to accomplish great things for His Kingdom. I want them to personally hear God’s voice and have His Sprit’s gentle touch and impression on their hearts as they read the Scriptures and struggle with the issues of their lives.” This was always the goal.

What advice would you give to new moms?

I would ask new moms to look at the big picture. Until your child is about 5 years old, the training in good habits and Christian character is heavy. This is an important, yet exhausting season. Ask yourself why you are parenting the way you are. Look at the big picture. It will definitely be easier to let things go when you have multiple young children than to be consistent. But if you have a big picture view, you realize you are doing the hard work of laying down train tracks now. Once those good habits are learned and practiced, your children’s trains will glide smoothly across the tracks for years to come, offering mom much less stress. What you do during the first 5 years builds good character, and it’s the foundation for when your children are teenagers. If your 3 year old talks back and you let it go consistently, this bad habit will come out during the teenage years, only much worse. You’re able to turn weaknesses into strengths and guide your children in this when you are looking at the big picture. Remind yourself of all that God is going to do in their lives (Phil. 1:6). These are HIS children. We are called to steward them well for HIS glory. Let your character building be done in a grace-filled home in a way that is Gospel-centered and characterized by Biblical humility.

Lastly, I know there is a lot of controversy surrounding spanking and there are strong views either way.  We did implement spanking as ONE form of discipline in our home, but it wasn’t the only discipline we used. The goal of spanking was always loving correction. Gary and I decided to spank for acts and attitudes of rebellion only. If our children did something childish or foolish but not rebellious, we would not spank. I remember when Morgan was young, and he was playing with his hockey puck and stick in the house. He hit the puck, and it went through our window. I never told him not to hit his puck in the house, so he wasn’t rebelling. This was just an example of childishness as he didn’t think through what would happen. He didn’t get a spanking because he wasn’t disobeying, but he did have a consequence. He had to save up his allowance and help us repair the window. We like to call this form of discipline “logical consequences”.

How has your marriage changed over the years?

I would say, for me, I have been able to quit looking at Gary to be my god as I have grown and matured. Early in our marriage, I expected him to fulfill my every need, and he couldn’t because he isn’t God. I learned about unfulfilled and unmet expectations. These are big killers of marriages, and the enemy knows this. I had many unfulfilled expectations early on that always seemed to lead to an argument. As I grew in Christ, I learned to release Gary from those expectations and lay things down on the altar of sacrifice. I learned to trust Christ to work in my life by either fulfilling or changing my expectations. I am not owed for all my expectations to be met. One piece of life-changing advice a Godly older woman once gave me was, “Turn your eyeballs around.” I had to quit looking at what (I thought) Gary wasn’t doing for me. Instead, I needed to look at what I wasn’t doing and the areas where I was failing. I asked God to lead me as I saw the ways I wasn’t loving Gary as I needed to. Practicing Biblical humility is the basis for this. (Phil. 2)

How did you and Gary protect and grow your marriage in the midst of raising your children?

We firmly believed the best gift we could give our kids was a solid, Biblical marriage that reflected the Gospel, so we worked to protect our marriage and keep it a priority. We got away for the weekend 2 or 3 times a year. We also tried our best to have date nights. When Gary got home from work every day, we would take 5 to 10 minutes to sit on the couch together and just talk.  We called it “couch time”.  The kids needed to play quietly during this time and not interrupt us. We told them that when we were done, daddy would play with them. Our kids needed to understand that our marriage relationship is a covenant relationship with God, so it was a priority over the parent and child relationship. Whenever we would be affectionate, they would pretend to hate it, but I know they loved it.

What are some practical ways to cultivate a marriage that brings God glory when a husband and wife have to dedicate exponential amounts of time and energy to their children?

I have two words for you: babysitting co-op. Make your marriage a priority by taking advantage of a babysitting co-op. We did this when our kids were young with other couples at our church. We jumped on the bandwagon and got involved in it. We loved it! There were about 15 like-minded moms, and we took turns being the secretary each month. We had a book where we tracked points, and you would call up other moms to use your points for date nights. It didn’t cost us anything to do this, and we had reciprocating benefits. All the parents and kids became good friends.

Lastly, some people say marriage is 50/50. Others say that it is 100/100. (If each spouse gives 100% to one another, both will be taken care of.) We chose to operate on the 100/0 principle. There are times in marriage when you may not be able to give anything, but your spouse will still need to give 100% and vice versa. Maybe your husband is working on a deadline and is unable to do his chores around the house. I am called to take over his chores temporarily without complaint. Rather than getting bitter, I am still called to give 100% when he cannot. Why? We are called to give to one another just like Jesus gives. We don’t love expecting the other to give anything in return, and we remember that love doesn’t keep a record of our wrongs. (I Cor. 13) Of course, we both fail in this at times, but it is the desire of our hearts.

What does it look like for you to abide in Christ during this time in your life?

I am an empty nester, and as such I have more time with God to read the Word, practice His presence, and listen for His voice throughout the day. Things are not as hectic as they were when our kids were little. The Lord is teaching me about Sabbath rest. I don’t mean just resting in a human way but taking time to rest intentionally with Him. I don’t have it down yet, but I am excited for Him to lead me in this.

Is there any other advice or encouragement you would offer to moms with kids who are still in the home?

This advice came from me observing an older godly mom I knew in California. She showed me that it is okay to say, “No” or “Not right now.” Don’t feel like you have to say yes to every ministry you are asked to do. In this season, your primary ministry before God is to nurture your husband and nurture and train your children. Take advantage of the teachable moments, and model Spirit-filled parenting. This takes time and intentionality. When we are busy going from one ministry to another, it’s easy to miss these moments. I strongly recommend finding a “Titus 2 older woman” and maybe even a younger woman. Establish relationships with them and ask if you can meet together to share Gospel encouragement with one another. Pray together. Mentor and be mentored. Say yes to the best thing, not everything, for the glory of God.

Recommended Books

Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp

The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness by Tim Keller

Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas

Praying God’s Will for My Son by Lee Roberts

Proverbs for Parenting: A Topical Guide for Child Raising from the Book of Proverbs by Barbara Decker

The Mission of Motherhood by Sally Clarkson

The Ministry of Motherhood by Sally Clarkson

Seasons of a Mother’s Heart by Sally Clarkson

Thank you, Cheryl, for opening up and allowing me and others the opportunity to hear your heart. As a wife and mother to three little ones, I was encouraged and challenged to continually depend on Christ in my marriage and motherhood. May God continue to be glorified as you sacrifice moment by moment to point your adult children along with their spouses and children to everlasting joy in Jesus.   

Tips for Surviving Life with a Newborn

I asked a group of moms how to survive this transition to life with three little ones. I am so very thankful for the community of mothers the Lord has placed around me and for their willingness to encourage and support our family. A shout out to all the wonderful mommas who provided tips to help me keep my sanity during this time. As I soaked in the wisdom of these amazing moms, I thought that if I benefited from their insights, others with newborns may benefit as well. I asked for tips for how to handle the kids by myself, helping the older kids with the transition, making life easier during this adjustment, advice for Stephen, and any other counsel they thought would be beneficial. I am glad I inquired and glad they obliged. 

Tips for Surviving with a Newborn
· You’re at one day at a time mode. Be ok with survival mode.
· Just make it to naptime.
· A strategy for the day helps. And there’s always VeggieTales if mommy needs a break.
· Don’t expect to get anything done for the first six months.
· The 4^th trimester is a real thing. Babies change so much in their first three months that expecting the same predictability over 1-2 weeks is probably not going to be realistic, just coming from a developmental standpoint. Think of it as 3 months where you’re learning, enjoying each other, and growing into and building rhythms and routines (noticing the natural rhythms of your family and your kids and your own strengths, weaknesses, and needs).
· Let go. Release as much control as you can. Control’s an illusion anyway.
· Rest yourself. Think of a few self-care things to slowly work back into your routine. Think of something that brings you life and try to find a way to do a little something that makes you feel like fully you once a week. This is one of the ways to not get to the built up frustration and bitterness that can make us feel like we’re just a tool to be used and drained and not a real person.
· Keep your expectations for yourself, the kids, Stephen, your house, and your schedule really low. Ask, “Is this going to bring life to me or my family?” and “Can we do this with peace, margin, etc.?” This is the time to not try any big projects or commitments. Slowly add things back into your schedule.
· Don’t overbook yourself. It’s totally ok to say no. Wrangling three into clothes, into the car, and into a crowd can quickly become a nightmare, especially alone.
· A grocery shopping trip alone is also sanity saving when you can manage and so is having Stephen stop on the way home so you don’t have to take all three babies.
· Get the older kids to help by bringing diapers, wipes, etc. It makes them feel like the big kid and helps them adjust.
· Routinely emphasize baby safety with the older kids so they will be more sensitive to how fragile the baby is with hopes of them developing an early bond and awareness of him as someone who is a part of your family who has different and specific needs.
· Try to get the older kids on the same nap and bedtime schedule. That way, you can rest and enjoy cuddles with the baby when they are asleep; after a few months, you can help baby join their schedule.
· Give them all a bath at once. Wash, wash, wash, rinse, rinse, rinse… bam, it’s done. And then get them out oldest to youngest. Bring their jammies and diapers into the bathroom so you can change them quickly.
· Maybe have one thing you’re definitely going to do that day besides keeping the babies alive and fed. That sense of accomplishment is encouraging. But if it doesn’t happen, it’s ok.
· Ask Stephen to take over a few of your household chores in the evening and don’t feel guilty about it.
· Ask for help and accept help when people offer; any help is good help.
· Keep an ongoing list of things people can help with, like laundry, errands, etc. When they ask, if they do even one of those things, it’s a major help.
· Use the weekends when Stephen is home to prepare for the week. Get clothes ready for the week and do anything you can so that you can grab and go when you’re on your own.
· Think about how long it took before the third baby was born to get ready. Now double it.
· Keep as much as you can as simple as you can.
· Take the big kids somewhere, like the park or for ice cream, while Stephen stays home with the baby. Nurse him and then leave. Pump some milk to have just in case. This will give you quality time with the big kids, a break from the baby, and Stephen some quality bonding time.
· Fresh air and naps do wonders those first few months.
· Don’t be hard on yourself, especially when it comes to spiritual disciplines and what you think it means to be a good wife, mother, and Christian.
· Test each “I should” with the Word. So many are rooted in cultural expectations of what we think a good fill in the blank should be or in the devil exploiting our fears and weaknesses. Who does Jesus say you are? Go and live from there.
· Strive to stay rooted and grounded in the Word of God, however that looks for you. Some suggestions: print out some Scriptures and post them on the fridge or listen to sermons while getting ready before the kids wake up or while cleaning or cooking.
· Wear your baby. You can cook and clean and when baby is crying it can help soothe him as you pace the house.
· Keep a basket of activities wherever you spend most of your time nursing and rocking the baby that the other kids like to do (coloring books, story books, Play-Doh, little cars to push around, etc.).  
· Keep snacks everywhere for you and the kids. Go for snacks that are easy to grab so you have them if breakfast or lunch are getting delayed or you’re hungry from nursing but too tired and busy to stop and fix something. Prepping the snacks is something Stephen can help do on nights or days off. Meal prep in general is a huge help and something the kids can help with (putting veggies in bags) and this helps them feel included.
· A backpack style diaper bag is where it’s at.
· Shower early before the kids get up.  If the baby is awake, let him hang out in the bouncer seat while you shower.
· Plan shopping trips around meal times. Right after breakfast or lunch works best since everyone has a full tummy. Pack extra snacks in case you’re out later than anticipated. Attempt to park as close to a cart return as possible. Put everyone in the shopping cart for faster shopping. Work in a trip to the bathroom either before leaving the house or before shopping for kids who are potty training.
· To get meals made with less stress, designate that time for TV or some kind of activity that doesn’t require much supervision.
· If you’re on a tight schedule, it’s ok to feed the kids finger foods, ready made meals, etc.
· Intimacy can feel hard to come by. Talk to each other about it.
· Play worship music throughout the day. It can set the tone of your home and the kids learn the words at such a young age.
· Enjoy it! Cuddle your baby together. Make up silly songs, take short walks, take one of the older kids one on one to the grocery store, watch movies together, and drink hot cocoa.
· Have your eyes fixed on Jesus, asking Him daily, moment by moment, to give you a Kingdom perspective as you mother His little miracles. As your eyes are fixed on Him, you receive His grace and can extend it to yourself and your sweet babies.
· Trust that the Lord will meet you where you are and give you what you need for today…and then tomorrow…and next Wednesday. Think of the day and the grace, wisdom, and peace you need as manna. You can’t really store up today’s to save for tomorrow. You need today’s grace today. The Lord’s going to give it to you as you need it. He’s faithful to provide. 

I am two and a half months in now, and the Lord has used the advice of the moms around me to sustain me. I hope that these tips can help another mom transition to life with a new baby, whether she is a first time mom or a more "seasoned" mom.