Danielle
Stocker. How can I write about her without sounding like I idolize this
breathtaking bombshell? As a mom, I aspire to be like her in so many ways. When
I was teaching, I was able to go over to the Stocker home on Monday afternoons.
The conversations, company, and coffee were always impeccable. Simply having
the opportunity to live life alongside her, watching her joyfully love and
serve her husband and two small children, was such a blessing to me. Danielle
was open, honest, and vulnerable about the struggles of being a mom. I knew
from these sweet Monday afternoons that bitterness had once clouded her
perception of motherhood, but I also knew that our gracious God had lifted the
clouds and turned bitterness into blessing. I asked her to share her story, and
she kindly obliged. Perhaps you are a mom currently wrestling with resentment
toward the children you are rearing. Even if you are reveling in every moment
as a mom, my hope is that this post will point our hearts to the perfect Parent
who always lavishes love on His children.
Background
How did you and TJ meet?
TJ and I met at our old church, now known as Calvary Chapel
Charlotte. This dream boat was running sound and helping with all the random
man things that the church needed.
Why did you two decide to start dating?
Our friends awkwardly introduced and reintroduced and
reintroduced us… Until we decided (read: caved) to see what all the fuss was
about. I did pull a Ruth and Boaz eventually though, because he was just not
quite engaging at the, um, speed(?) that I felt things should be progressing.
Please hold your gasps at my uncharacteristic impatience.
How long did you date before TJ proposed? How long was your
engagement?
I feel like this requires a longer conversation since there were
some real consequences to these decisions, but we dated for a few months,
decided together that we wanted to get married as soon as possible, and were
married within 7 months of the beginning of our relationship.
How old were you when you got married? How old was TJ?
I was 23 and TJ was 24.
Describe the season of life each of you were in as newlyweds.
I was attending college at Winthrop and working part time for my
parents. TJ was a college graduate, and additionally, a young and handsome
construction project manager at his dad’s business. We were living in the house
that we live in now, but before the renovations, so, humble digs. We both loved
Jesus but had an infinite amount of growing to do. I mean. We got schooled-
quickly.
What were your thoughts about having children before you and TJ
got married? Did you always want children? When did you want the children to
come? Did you want to have your children close together?
We wanted children, in fact, we knew everything about how we
were going to raise children, more specifically, how we weren’t going to raise
them. <<young and proud though>> Since we had such a short
dating/engagement, we wanted to wait a few years. But, yes, the plan was to
have them close together, eventually. We even knew we wanted to name our first
son Judah Michael.
Did your thoughts about having children change? If so, how did
they change?
Nope, we wanted them, still wanted to wait, but we were shocked
when we got pregnant 7 months after our wedding. So, that was really tough.
Mainly for me. TJ was cheesy excited.
What dreams/goals/accomplishments did you and TJ want to achieve
before having children? Were there any dreams/goals/accomplishments that had to
be delayed? What were your feelings about this? Have those feelings changed?
This is a big question so cut this if you want. But I wanted to
finish my teaching degree and spend at least one summer in Barcelona immersing
myself in the gorgeous language and culture. We wanted to save a bunch of
money. We wanted to enjoy each other and all that newlywed-dom meant… Obviously
this was all delayed.
Looking back at my bitter sentiments I feel like I have a
renewed perspective. I see now that the Lord used Gabriella to essentially save
our marriage. I was in a really tough place, dealing with a ton of emotion
about the candidness of marriage. I couldn’t hide anymore. TJ knew me.
Entirely. And that scared me. But I matured a ton in those 9 months, and
obviously even more so since then. I see the value in what my kids have offered
me. They are my Achilles heel. God has shown me my ugliest sin through them.
Which is a gift, right? They are my olive press. TJ too, obviously. But he is
much gentler with me.
Baby Blessing #1
How long were you married before finding out you were pregnant
with Gabriella?
7 months.
What was your initial reaction toward pregnancy and a coming
baby?
I was, honestly, bitter. I mourned for a good part of my
pregnancy. I regret that. But I was crushed because I was so close to the
college degree-and career start finish line. I know now that these feelings
were deeply rooted in proving myself to my family and even myself. I felt like
I was failing.
What other thoughts and reactions did you experience prior to
Gabriella’s arrival?
Anxiety. I thought I was going to mess her up. I knew I had so
few things figured out from my own childhood, I was just so concerned about how
to do all the mom-things. I read A TON of books. All the books. Seriously. If
you need a book on anything baby related. Call me.
Describe your adjustment to motherhood.
Girl. It felt, roughly, like that scene from the Wizard
of Oz when Dorothy smacks her head just as the tornado takes up her house and
she watches #allthescary whirl wildly past her window. Like that. (But still,
have kids. It gets better, promise.)
Did having a baby affect your marriage? If so, in what ways?
It did. We were also
living with TJ’s parents (they're sincerely the sweetest and most generous
people) at the time because we had started to work on the house. But it was a
really hard time for our marriage. We had done so little life together, I
remember many whispering arguments. Also, postpartum recovery was unbelievable
with Gabriella. I was broken for so long after she was born.
Baby Blessing #2
How old was Gabriella when you found out you were pregnant with
Judah?
7 months.
What was your reaction toward your second pregnancy?
Shock. Again. Ha! We do
know how babies are made. I think. But I was all, “Hey, we’re already in this
thing pretty deep. What’s one more?”
Describe your adjustment to life with two little ones.
I feel like reflecting
this way is bringing to light just how tough the first 3 years of our marriage
were, because having Gabs and Judah 16 months apart was very hard on us. Hard
on my body. Hard on our marriage. Seriously, it felt like we got sanctified in
a microwave. Jesus taught us so much through the house renovations, through
living with family with a newborn, through 2 kids only 16 months apart. But we
built up a pool of some great stories. It was hysterical at times. Gabs was a
handful. She had me busy. Thankfully, Judah slept for the first 6 months of his
life. So I had the two hands I needed to keep her out of extra trouble. I still
missed a few classic moments though, like that time that she clumsily pumped
the hand sanitizer into her mouth, and then the time she drank the laundry
stain remover. Or the time she literally painted her bedroom with Boudreaux’s
Butt Paste. I promise she wasn’t neglected, she was just crazy fast.
I eventually just saved Poison Control’s number into my phone.
Baby Blessing #3
How old was Gabriella and how old was Judah when you found out
you were pregnant with Luca?
We slowed down. Gabs was
4 and Judah was 3.
What was your reaction toward your third pregnancy?
Actually, Luca was
planned, so I was super relieved and excited once we were finally pregnant.
How did you help prepare Gabriella and Judah for Luca’s arrival?
Gabriella had been
begging us for another sibling for the longest time, so she was game
immediately. Judah took some time to warm up to the idea. But we kept talking
about the baby and all of his needs and how busy mommy would be once he
arrived.
How have Gabriella and Judah responded to Luca?
Gabriella has completely
fallen for the chubby love. She is adorably affectionate and attentive toward
him. She has been such an amazing and unexpected help through the transition.
But Judah has taken much longer to warm up to Luca. In his own way Judah takes
care of him too. He always reminds me that he needs to eat or he will walk by
and pat the baby’s head and say things like “I love our baby” or he shows him
off and asks people if they would “like to see our baby.” And then I
melt.
Even though Luca is super chill, he still requires extra
attention, energy, and time. What have you and TJ been able to do to make sure
Gabriella and Judah don’t feel excluded.
Well, foolishly we signed
Judah up for soccer this past Spring just because I was so upset with how
distant and lost he seemed to be in the shuffle and adjustment. He was having a
hard time. He wouldn’t cuddle with me. That was so painful. I don’t think I
realized how hard it would be on them. Like, I needed to fill their little love
buckets while recovering from childbirth, taking care of a newborn and then
recovering from the surprise appendectomy. It was a challenging and emotional 4
months. But I have made a habit of asking the kids to participate in baby care
now, though. Partly out of necessity but also because they seem to light up
when they are needed. We do try to give them one on one time when we can,
especially at bed time.
Describe your “typical” day (even though every day can be
different).
Typically, up at 6, 6:30-
in the kitchen, prepping coffee and breakfast, Gabs and Judah have just started
kindergarten and preschool, so we leave the house for school around 7:20- and
then I get to come home, sometimes walk with a friend, and then I have some
coffee and quiet time. Mostly I spend the day with Luca, eating him up and
embracing every ounce of distraction he offers. And finally, after 3 kids, I
found a baby wrap that I love, so often I am wearing Luca while I do all the
things. In between his naps we do house chores, run errands, usually are doing
something for or with somebody, plan whatever party/trip is coming up next (we
are eternally hosting or planning something), and then I try to have dinner
ready before I pick up the kids at 2:15. I spend a little while hearing about
their day, getting them snacks and settled at home. They (sometimes) help me
empty the dishwasher, put away their laundry (if I got that far), watch a
couple cartoons, and then eat dinner around 5. Luca gets a little demanding in
the evening so I have to hold him more and then feed him a veggie or fruit when
we sit down for dinner. At this point the kids smell like damp puppies so they
get a bath, and TJ is usually home by 6 so we read to them and pray and cuddle
and put them all to bed, staggered between 6:45-7:45. Then we clean up the
kitchen, prep for the next day, sit down and talk, read, or do some work on the
random house things that are falling apart, or sometimes nothing at all,
because exhaustion.
What are comments, positive or negative, you hear as a mother of
three little ones?
I think the most
challenging commentary is the one that would suggest that my children are or
will be neglected in one way or another… Because I guess I have a philosophy
now that is in conflict with our culture. But God calls the fruit of your youth
a blessing- and that they are like arrows in the hand of a warrior. So sure, we
have 3 kids, our budget is tight, our car is bursting at the seams. But I just
don’t think that it’s wise for kids to think that they are the center of the
universe. It’s untrue. I want them to learn to share, to do with less, to live
well- with people.
How do you respond to negative comments?
I just do my best to
accept that people are full of opinions. I was/am full of opinions. I like when
people agree with me so it’s frustrating sometimes when they don’t see the
beauty in our chaos.
What would you want to say to someone who makes negative
comments?
I guess I would like to
say that our choices- all of them, just because we chose them- that doesn’t
mean that I think loving Christ and raising a family only looks one way… For
us, this is what we have been given and this is how we are doing it, always
prayerfully and carefully, stewarding our resources. Be intentional about
yours, enjoy the freedom you have there, be diverse, look different, and seek
out ways to embrace and even enjoy the spectrum.
What sacrifices have you made in order to stay at home with your
children? How do you feel about making those sacrifices?
Obviously one income
means less finances. So we don't have the most luxurious life. We are home,
cooking in our kitchen, in the house that I love, the one that my husband and our
fathers built, or with our family and friends in their homes most of the time.
We have to wait a while, well at least from an American perspective, for the
better and the new and the more. But the older I get, the more excited I get
about contentment with this lifestyle. Because it means Jesus has done work
here. I see something sweet about the inability to constantly pacify our
material dreams. It’s character building. And truthfully, I feel like I live
like royalty most days. My pantry is always full. My children are always
dressed in beautiful clothes, mostly bought by their generous grandparents,
clothes that we use until they are too tight and I have had to patch the holes.
My car's gas tank has never run dry. There's always fresh ground coffee in the
French Press. I mean, what more could a girl want? If He clothes the lilies,
won't He clothe me? And even if those things dwindled or dried up, God is our
real sustenance, and I trust that He would make provisions, whatever that would
look like.
Additional Advice and
Encouragement
What is the most important lesson you have learned as a mother?
Maybe so far I would say
that I’ve learned that when I fall on my face, when I break and lose it and
snap at my family, and I do, that there is so much beauty in how God redeems
those moments. Every time that I repent in front of my children, they get to
see the gospel. It’s one of the few perks of being so broken- because these
children get to see what repentance looks like regularly and also, they get front
row seats to the anchoring joy in knowing Christ.
How has God used your children to change your heart? Describe
how He has changed you and is changing you.
He has shown me glimpses
of the eternal value that my children offer my life. And since they are the
first set of unbelievers that I have ever had the opportunity to pursue like
this, I am learning and always trying to consider and reconsider my actions
toward them as opportunities to express the Gospel. (Sometimes realizing how
they're not such a great expression of the Gospel.) Also, God has used my
children as the primary vehicle for my sanctification. Thanks to the persistent
and constant interactions of parenting, I have a very clear picture of how
sinful I am. And I can honestly look back over the past 5 years and see such
tremendous growth. He has done amazing work on this hard heart. I am quicker to
repent and apologize, I have more patience, I am slower to anger, less
frequently overwhelmed and frustrated, more strategic about how I parent, but
still learning to rest in God’s ability to cover my stumbles. I still very much
struggle with showing myself mercy in parenting, I try, so hard, to catch my
mistakes and parent perfectly, which is obviously a laugh. A good laugh. But I
am a recovering perfectionist, and maybe not so far into recovery...
Do you have any regrets? Is there anything you would want to do
differently or that you would change?
Regrets. I am not sure
you have that kind of time. Haha.
What is your advice to other moms who may not view children as a
blessing?
I feel like I spent the
first couple years of parenting with that very perspective. SO my advice is to
keep reading the things that scripture has to say about children, because
honestly that was what changed my heart. Especially Psalm 127:3-5 and 139:13-16
and also John 16:21… I have also started to see the connection and reflection
in how God delights in us and how we are called and given permission to delight
in our children.
What are you and TJ doing to invest spiritually into the lives
of your children?
We are always pouring
into them. I know that’s vague but we really do consider raising our children
the most serious job that we have. So it's constant. We do all that we can to
talk about Jesus casually and also intentionally. We are fighting our sin in
front of them and equally helping them to see their own. And TJ is an awesome
reflection of God’s love to the kids. He is gentle and patient and slow to
anger and he suffers long (bedtime though haha) and he is persistent and
persevering, he truly lays his life down for his family and no job is below
him. My children are getting such a special gift because they are being raised
by my husband- Gabriella has thanked me so many times for marrying him. It's
the sweetest thing.
How do you and TJ protect your marriage in the midst of raising
your little ones?
Thankfully TJ and I are
naturally like a couple of corny magnets. I mean, we have to separate at the
beginning of the day, but by the end, the kids are in bed and we just naturally
enjoy being together. So we do all the things together. We do dishes together.
We pick up the house together. We sit on the couch and talk through our most
current issues together. We watch shows together. We read together. We talk
about my bible study questions together. We just started exercising together. I
mean he is literally the most amazing man I have ever known. And obviously we
have our issues, we have recurring sore spots in our marriage, but the Lord has
given us so many tools to get through those moments, and we genuinely really
enjoy being around one another. I'm so glad that it's so natural, because even
though my kids dominate most of my time, and I would expect nothing less, when
my kids leave home- I want TJ and I to be able to rest within the walls of a
strong and beautiful marriage.
What do you wish people knew about you as a mother?
I feel like I leave so
little mystery about who I am as a mother, especially after this interview, ha!
So I can't imagine that there's anything you don't already know.
What would your response be to the question, “How do you do it?”
in regards to being a mom of three small children?
I pray. I cry out to the
Lord. I ask TJ to hold me. Haha! Mostly I embrace it more now than I used to.
It's kind of like labor in a lot of ways. If you let go and give into the pain
(quote by Jess Mueller), the progress is much smoother and way more efficient.
It feels like that some days. Or pieces of some days. Bedtime, meal time, potty
time. But it's also hilarious, and always changing and so sweet. All of these
small Stockers are good for my heart. Also I find that I laugh more now, I
laugh and then I take pictures, and if needed, then I deal with the discipline.
I think that I pick my battles more now as well. And (this part doesn't always
happen) on the days that my head is clear, I have built a habit of filtering my
frustration through- is this battle-worthy, or is this just my preferences
getting pushed around? That has helped a ton. And amazingly, I have great
friends that pour into my heart and confirm and/or gently correct me when I
need it.
Thank
you, Danielle, for sharing the stresses and joys in your sanctifying journey through
motherhood. I am humbled, encouraged, and challenged by your delight in God and
the blessings He has given to you. May God continue to be glorified as you
sacrifice moment by moment to point your children to everlasting joy in Jesus.
